Don’t Fart on Your Wife and Other Relationship Tips

As a man I know that women are unfathomable creatures that are usually unpredictable, but I have discovered a few things that will go a long way towards keeping your relationship alive.

One of the most important things in any relationship is communication. Let’s face guys, women just don’t understand grunts and one syllable utterances like other guys do, so therefore it is important for us to learn how to speak complete sentences when we are talking to our significant other. If your significant other asks you about your day, “fine,” “good,” or “crappy” are not good answers unless they are followed up by a more expanded explanation of why it was like that. Remember, they aren’t asking because they want to be ignored or that you might randomly spout out the winning numbers for the lottery, they are asking because they want to know about your day. Ya know, so you can bond and get closer as a couple. Isn’t that why are you in a relationship in the first place?

Another important part of a relationship is don’t fart on your significant other. I know, it got a whole bunch of laughs from the other guys, but let’s face it, they stink. Research has proven that although women are turned on by the smell of a sweaty man, they are not turned on by a stinky man. Maybe if it is a rare thing and done in a joking manner it will slide by with no significant impact, but make a daily ritual and you can say goodbye to her faster than a monkey on fire*. Surprisingly, it took me a few months to find this out on my own. At first it was just a comfort thing that I did out of habit. Then one day she mentioned that they were gross. This goes back to the communication thing. You will never be done learning about your significant other, so when you learn something new about them, commit it to memory forever! I know that I am asking a lot on this point, but trust me, if you can remember even half of the things about her, it will be well worth it in the long run.

Which brings me to the next important thing in a relationship. Remember as much as you can about your significant other, but most importantly the important things. Things like birthdays, anniversaries, what she is deathly allergic to. These things may seem small to you, but to her they are more important than anything you hold dear…like your Xbox 360 (or PS3, car, 57′ DLP flat screen TV, etc.). Have a hard time remembering these facts? Write it down, put it in your phone, have someone scream them at you, whatever you need to do to remember these things! For one thing, this proves to her that you don’t think of her as just some person that spends a crap ton of time with you. For another, it shows her that you have allocated a section of your memory that usually stores sports scores, Halo 3 stats, or how to rebuild a tank engine (you never know when that will come in handy). These are things that you may think are beneath your notice, but are really important to her. Also remember that any small part of your relationship that has happened, been said, or noticed at all by her will be remembered and brought back to haunt you at any random time and usually in the middle of a fight. Which makes me wonder…