Falling in Love Again

I hadn’t done a lot of laughing for several years. Doesn’t that sound pathetic? I wasn’t sad, just controlled and low-key. There aren’t any really useful books about how to do with the loss of a long-term partner, and, by being really controlled and sensible I had escaped the worst ravages of loss by putting my emotions away. It works, too. I had barely cried, never felt lonely, and expected to go on, alone, like this, for the rest of my life. Because the event was public and everyone else was dressing up, I had too. I was wearing something which made me feel good, and had even put a little makeup on. I was feeling fairly gorgeous – which for a woman past 60 seems a bit vain and silly.

I must have looked good-ish, because this lovely man came to get a drink and lingered long enough to make me laugh a lot. When the refreshment duties were over I went and talked some more to him, still assuming him to be someone’s partner. He made me laugh again and I returned the compliment, causing him undue merriment. Then, without really thinking what I was doing, I hugged him.

Now, to shorten the story, it turns out that he was not part of a pair, but another widowed person, more recent than I in his loss. And he fell for me in a delightful way. I was not immediately available to meet him; with holiday time coming up I was virtually booked up for the ensuing month. Thanks be for the inter-net. We were able to talk through the ether, and when six weeks later we met again, he was delightfully taken with me. I was horribly overwhelmed, though I had thought a lot about him during our time apart.

He worked really hard to make me change my unbending position on relationships, and, I am delighted to say, had persuaded me to let go and enter a new, late-life, relationship. I do not remember ever being happier. He is kind and lovely and tender, and very funny, and I feel that there is, now, something worth living a long life for. I know that I must, eventually, suffer that terrible loss again, because the women in my family practically live forever, but I am prepared to take that chance in order to enjoy that wonders of how I feel at the moment.

We hold hands in public, and spend every moment we can together. It’s wonderful, and probably somewhat ridiculous, and great. I am loved and appreciated and cherished. I am learning to lean on another person for the first time in years. In a little corner of my mind there is the thought that this cannot last. I am prepared to leave the thought there, just in the corner, and enjoy what is happening now. Tomorrow is just that – tomorrow. My today is better than I had ever dared to hope, and I am not spoiling it by worrying about what the morrow brings. I’ll live for the day and learn to be happy. When I need to I’ll learn how to do without him, but for now, he’s mine and I’m going to love him right back and enjoy my life. So there!