Fear of Commitment or Common Sense?

Dear Crabby Abby,
My girlfriend says that I have a commitment problem. We have been engaged for 3 years, dating for 2 prior to that. We’ll get married someday.

When we try to plan a wedding, things get complicated. We start to price it out and then get discouraged at the cost of it and that stops us from moving ahead with it, or we have worries over our individual job security and that makes looking ahead a bit frightening.

Last week she suggested that we elope and save the expense. I don’t want to do that because I know that she really wants a wedding and I told her that.

She threw her arms in the air and says that I’m afraid to get married and that being engaged would suit me just fine for the rest of my life.

What do YOU think about this? I’m showing her both my letter to you and (hopefully) your reply.

Sincerely,
Misunderstood
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Dear Misunderstood,

Sounds to me like your “Miss” understood.

You refer to the woman you have been engaged to for 3 years as your girlfriend. She is actually your fiancee. And, while I’m not a nit pick for words, I think that in this case it’s appropriate to be.

Your actions are telling her that standing still is okey dokey with you, pokey. It’s like a movie that keeps getting to the middle and beginning again. It’s time to roll. Some thought about expense or job security isn’t a bad thing, but it can also be there like a friend when you need it, to give you that reason why you haven’t taken the plunge.

Your FIANCEE (did you wince?) kicked both you and your “friend” to the curb when she suggested eloping. And whether she did so because she’s not interested in being “almost married” for the rest of her life, (you can’t be that hot) or she really has given it some thought and decided that the fairytale wedding isn’t what’s meaningful here for her, your response SCREAMS…”I know what you want girlfriend (er, um, I mean fiancee) , and until I can give it to you (10 or 15 years from now….maybe), we’ll stay engaged, k??

“I am not willing to compromise what YOU want”, is a really messed up way to address eloping. You are not in charge of her wants. She wants to marry you, not because she’s possessive or trying to suck the life out of you, but because that’s what engaged people do.

How about you stick to what’s happening with your insides (even if it feels like an egg scramble in there) instead of redirecting her attention to HER? She’s frustrated with a 3 year engagement and no set date in sight and has a right to be.

You are a scaredy pants. Fess up. Set a date if you want this woman to be your wife. Don’t forget that requires you to be a husband too.

GET ON WITH IT. And, if you find that you are unable to, be honest and tell her.

You are stuck in muck. YUCK.

Good luck.

Crabby Abby