Finding Love Online

We’ve all seen the ads on the internet, television and magazines. Join the premiere dating website, meet your soul mate and live in bliss the rest of your lives. Unless it’s 2:00 a.m. on a Saturday and you have less than half of that bottle of wine left that you started, a red flag should be flapping in your face about now.

Feeling a little lonely in those wee hours of the morning, you give some serious thought to taking a look at what they have to offer. You’re alone, for Pete’s sake, it’s not like anyone will see what you are doing. So you take the plunge into the dark, mysterious world of internet matchmaking and click on the link that hold the promise to change your life.

Wow! The home page has pictures of women and a few men. They look like they just got the check from Ed McMahon for the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes. Big ear to ear smiles and everyone has perfect teeth, every single one of them. This should be another red flag. Not only the smiles and perfect teeth, but no one is overweight by a pound. Through the magic of the internet, you have been transported to the land of perfect people and you can be accepted as one of them. Provided you have a Master Card, Visa or American Express.

Go ahead, you know you want to join them all romping on the beach, women in bikinis, men hauling coolers of beer, and you. Don’t let the fact that you live in Milwaukee and it’s January stop you. You have a right to pay the small monthly fee and buy your share of happiness. You are guaranteed to be accepted as one of the beautiful people, as long as your Visa card is accepted.

Another glass of wine and you pull that American Express out of your wallet and order the supreme membership and pay a year in advance. Now you are a part of something bigger. You can feel the difference. You sit up straighter in your chair. Now that your credit card has been approved, you aren’t quite sure what happens next. Does that cute little redhead know that she’s just a minute away from meeting the man of her dreams? How would she know? You have not created that all important profile yet.

It starts out innocent enough, what screen name do you want to use, do you want to hear from people 50 miles away, or anywhere in the Milky Way? You confidently start clicking away, feeling closer to your loved one with every answer. Suddenly the questions start to get a little more complex. What is your age? Oh my. How old is the cute little redhead? I’m her soul mate, I have to be the perfect age. She looks 25. Would 45 sound ancient to her or is she secretly looking for a father figure? I’ll put down age as 35. After all, once we gaze into each other’s eyes, age won’t matter. It will all be perfect.

Got past that one, this is easy. Yikes! Weight, height, hair color. What color is no hair?? What is with these questions, are they trying to keep me from my soul mate, the perfect one? All you have to do is see her in person and fall into each other’s arms. None of this will matter.

One more glass of wine to make it through this interrogation. Hobbies, interests, career, what you think, religion, drinking, smoking, do you want kids, the list goes on forever. If you had the answers, you wouldn’t be sitting up all night looking at pictures of strangers on the web, you’d have your mate!

So when all else fails, lie. Weight? Body type? 175 and athletic, of course, while you’re sitting there stuffing Doritos in your mouth and washing them down with a Bud left over from yesterday. You continue down this path happily working your way to the cute little redhead. By the time you’re done, Brad Pitt couldn’t compete with you. A word of advice, don’t submit a picture. You hit the submit key and another window pops up. Do you want your profile on the fast track to the top of the eligible guys list? Of course you do, so pull out that American Express or Visa card and pay an additional amount. No problem, your true love is worth it. Wait 30 seconds, credit card approved, again.