Five Simple Ways to Help You “Fight” Better

 Being in a relationship with anyone is difficult.  Whether it’s with your spouse, your children, your mother, or even your gardener, there will come a point in time when you don’t see things eye to eye.  I don’t enjoy getting into arguments with anyone, in fact I try to avoid those at all costs, which I attribute to my mother who is exactly the same way.  But I have found that inevitably, if I am a human being who interacts with other human beings, an argument will arise.  Sometimes I make it through unscathed, pretty proud of myself for how I handled it, and other times I look back and think….why the heck didn’t I just say that to begin with?  After many years and many arguments I have come up with a few ways to help that “fight” along.

1. Know who you are “fighting” with – I know this sounds ridiculous, like hello, I know it’s my spouse that is driving me crazy, and if that is what I meant I wouldn’t have written it.  No, what I mean is, do you know the person you are fighting with?  Have you fought with them before?  If so what happened, was it a good fight or did it end with both parties licking their very deep wounds?  History is not around just to be another funny story; no history is there to tell us something!  Know the boundaries you have with this person and don’t cross them, believe me it will keep things from spiraling out of control.
2. Don’t pretend nothing is wrong – This probably is one of my biggest problems; I pretend that nothing is wrong, until it gets out of control.  It then takes a better part of an hour for someone to finally get me to tell them what has been bothering me the whole time.  And because the person I am arguing with has taken so much time to get it out of me, it usually frustrates them even more, causing an ever bigger fight than before.  I know it’s hard, but really, straight up say what is bothering you, I promise you won’t regret it.
3.  Stop focusing on yourself – This is so easy to do, especially if you are the one taking the heat in this “fight.”  As soon as you get the finger pointed at you it is so easy to start defending yourself and pointing the finger right back at the other person.  And maybe your feelings are completely valid, but this is not the time to bring those up.  Instead, listen, hey that’s a novel idea, and focus on what is being said to you.  Address the problem at hand, and then, if you feel that other issues need to be discussed, bring them up after the first issue was resolved.  Shifting the focus on you will only make the other person more upset, and less likely to want to resolve things.
4. Use logic – I know most people probably don’t think about logic when launching into an exploding firestorm of emotions, but logic can be your friend when confronted with an unstable competitor.  When lawyers defend or prosecute logic is always used.  It makes for sound arguments rather than linking ideas that have nothing to do with the other.  If you are able to link your ideas in a logical way, so that there is no room for penetration from the other side, whether you are right or wrong, you will win your case.  Believe me, you can get the raise at work, it just takes a little logic.
5. Don’t back down – I’m not saying that you should never end an argument, what I mean is if you aren’t finished with how you feel, if you have left something out, don’t back down from saying it.  Leave it all out on the table.  If you don’t, whatever happens to be bothering you that was left unsaid, will find its way into another argument, only time you’ve had much more time to build up frustration about it, meaning you’ll probably get more upset than necessary over it.  Get out what you need to get out, let the other person know where you stand, and then let it go. 

I know all arguments can’t be handled so easily, but after being in quite a few I’ve come to realize that lashing out and purposely trying to hurt the other person is not the way that anyone wins.  Being calm, knowing what I want to say, and using these little tips have helped me get through my fair share of “fights.”