Anyone who claims that they’ve never been in a troubled relationship is either lying or too young to have had more than a single high school sweetheart. Let’s face the facts- the line between love and insanity is a razor’s edge, and it isn’t always easy to tell which side someone is on. Here’s a quick and simple guide to some traits shared by mentally unbalanced women. Just give your girl one point for each thing that applies to her. Don’t forget the bonus points for the most extreme examples.

1. She has your schedule down so well that the second you open the door after coming home from work, school, or wherever you were scheduled to be, the phone rings. Bonus point if she verbally rips you a new one if you get stopped at a light, stop for gas, or anything else that throws her timing out of whack, thus requiring her to call more than once. 
2. She is constantly checking out other guys, but throws a huge fit if you so much as glance in the vague direction of another girl. Not only is this hypocritical, but can be a serious strain if you’ve got female friends. Bonus point if she not only does this, but always tells you she wished you were whoever she’s looking at at the moment.
3. She breaks up with you on a regular basis. Some relationships are fraught with strife, some even thrive on it. But if it’s a weekly occurrence, it goes beyond that and into the realm of lunacy. Bonus point if this occurs in direct conjunction with either of the above traits.
4. When you meet her parents and siblings, instead of getting the standard “don’t hurt my daughter” speech, you get a heartfelt plea to “save yourself and run while you still can.” It’s never a good sign when parents are more concerned about the well-being of the guy their daughter brought home than their own daughter. Bonus point if they can cite “accidents” that happened to previous boyfriends who didn’t heed their warnings.
5. She calls you after a huge argument, in which you said you wanted to break up with her, to let you know she just got off the phone with a doctor and she’s pregnant, even though she hasn’t made one mention of it before then. Bonus point if she does it when you never did anything with her that could have gotten her pregnant in the first place. It sounds ridiculous, but there are girls out there dumb enough to pull this.

Have a nice tally going? Okay, lets look at your results

0 points – If you read all that, and didn’t have to give your girl a point for any of them, you’ve either got yourself a keeper or you’re in denial. Keep an eye out, though, because these warning signs aren’t always noticeable right from the beginning.

1-2 points – You’re walking a fine line. Your relationship may be salvageable at this point, if you think it’s really worth it. Keep an eye out for other signs, though. You never know if it’s going to turn into a downward spiral.

3-8 points – Run away, and never look back. Continuing in a relationship under these terms is just asking for serious emotional damage, and possibly even years of therapy down the line. It doesn’t matter how good the good times are.

9-10 points – At this point, you’re more or less doomed. The only clear exit you’re going to get from a basket-case of this magnitude is to fake your death, change your name, and move out of the state.

I hope this helps someone out there, as these sorts of relationships can be brutal. I’ve known three full blown cases that would have rated a 9 or 10 on this scale, and was unfortunate enough to have been on the receiving end of two of them. It ruined every relationship I was in for years afterward. I wish I had been smart enough to get out early and save myself the therapy.

Until next time, braaiiins…