Five Tips for Fighting Fair in a Marriage
by This article covers what should not be done when married couples disagree.
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Most marriages fight over 3 key issues, power, money, and sex. Occasionally, extended family issues bleed over into the marriage, but most of those center on one of these 3 issues. Because fighting can extend far beyond standing toe to toe and screaming at each other, the ground rules need to be established within the relationship of what constitutes a fair fight. Some ingredients should be a part of any conflict while others should not be allowed.
A disagreement should be allowed to hold both partners accountable for his or her actions.
The question of why something was done or not done should be permissible in a marriage dispute. It is alright to hold your partner accountable for how money is spent or not spent. Marriage fidelity whether or not actual cheating occurred should be another area where asking why is an acceptable question. Making family commitments without consult the other spouse would be a place to require the answer to the whys of the situation.
Marital fights should be permitted to bring out the facts of the current issue.
Without complete information, it is impossible to reach a full and lasting agreement to end the argument. Questions that expose the facts of the events must be asked. If these questions are not asked, the disagreement can never be settled. Items like names, amounts, dates, places are all legitimate pieces of information to bring to light.
Comments and questions that point toward the future direction of the marriage or family have to be raised.
While hurling the divorce issue around is not always a good plan, determining what both parties expect from the relationship and the future is a good thing to know. If both partners are committed to the marriage and each other, most disagreements can be overcome. However, if one or both partners seem to be questioning the survival of the marriage, it may be time for some serious counselling or other help. If both spouses are willing to go to these measures, marriages can often be saved.
Dredging up old issues that have been resolved cannot be considered fair fighting.
Although this may seem as though it is an attempt to establish a pattern of poor behavior, each event should be considered at least somewhat separate from past happenings. Most of the time, the old issues have little to do with the current topic. They are being raised to humiliate the other person or confuse the current issue. Neither of these should be considered fair in settling marital problems. Often guilt and anger are a big part of these fight. Bringing up old defunct issues only fuels this fire. The idea of resolving conflict is to extinguish fires.
Involving outside people to reinforce your arguments is not usually fair in a marriage fight unless both partners agree in advance.
This disagreement is between the husband and wife, and not between third and fourth parties. All problems, and especially marriage problems, are best handled with as few people being involved as possible. By leaving out in-laws, neighbors, and friends as much as possible, marriage problems can be resolved much faster in most cases. You also do not have the left over need to explain how everything worked out to half of the world. These people will often not be pleased with the outcome and try to change your mind and decision.
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