Show an optimist a half-glass of water and he’ll likely say that it’s “half-full,” while pessimist will call it “half-empty.” Similarly, how a husband or wife sees a situation can make all the difference between making a marital problem out of it, or turning into opportunity to express love.

One woman I know was distressed by her husband’s chronic thoughtlessness. Immersed in business affairs, he seldom even remembered her birthday. When a marriage gets into trouble, many people obsessively focus on the problem causing their difficulties. Yet it can often be far more saving at such times to concentrate on the positive feelings that brought the marriage partners together in the first place.

Take the couple referred by the divorce court to a professional skilled in this new common-sense approach. When both husband and wife fired off a barrage of complaints, the counselor kept turning the conversation so that the couple had mention the good things between them: the qualities they had first admired each other, the deeper pleasures they had shared, the goals they had mutually set out to reach. After a few more meetings with the husband and wife, the couple agreed give their marriage a second chance.

It seemed that some fortunate couples stumble into some solutions on their own to solve these kinds of problems. Along with this intensified awareness of feelings, many couples were helped to see each other’s actions in clearer, more positive light. Now, the question is: What are some ways you can build on the positives in your marriage? Here are four suggestions that might help couples in building their positives on their marriage:

Take Inventory

Write down all the things you and your spouse have in common. Although couples are usually all too aware of their differences, they often take for granted or overlook similarities of taste and temperament. One couple predicted they would never get beyond five items. When they finished, however, they had listed 14 major bonds and had a new insight into the way their marriage meshed.

Reach Back

Try doing again some of the things you enjoyed together in early days. One husband and wife I know met on the tennis court. Both were devotees of the game, and during their courtship and early marriage spent almost every weekend playing tennis. Then they bought a house, a baby came, and their free time was filled with domestic chores and pleasures.

Reward Each Other

Use a technique that behavioral psychologists call “positive reinforcement.” Instead of criticizing a spouse when he says or does something you don’t like, reward him when he says or does something you do like. For example, make a point of commenting on things your spouse does well. Some psychologists called marriage as a “special world” that a man and wife literally create for themselves with the things they say. If the talk is mostly negative and full of problems, the world it creates is necessarily chill and gray. Conversely, a couple who constantly exchange words of love and support create an atmosphere that in itself will help to sustain their happiness.

Use Positive Definitions

If the talk between husband and wife is positive rather than negative, if it seeks to release love rather than to isolate “problems,” then even a potential marital liability can sometimes be redefined and converted into an asset. In one instance, a marriage was being slowly destroyed because the husband could no longer bear his independent wife’s constant need to be told she was still attractive, still loved. He felt “threatened” by her emotional demands. The man sought counsel, who helped him see the situation in new light to feel moved that his wife needed him so much.

Obviously, serious and long-standing marital difficulties cannot simply be swept under the rug. They must be faced and solved. But this can be accomplished more successfully if the spouses have learned to think and feel in terms of bonds that link them rather than pressures that divide the.

Marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt everyday. By building this edifice on the positive things, we can create a foundation for loving and successful married life.