Friendship: Anti-drama and the Art of Asking Awkward Questions
by Why do friendships break down? Why do we feel that people stop being our friend? What is drama, and anti-drama, and how can we live our lives in a way that prolongs friendships. Why do we get so offended, and how does this devolve into arguments? How can we avoid this? How can we build deeper friendships, or make them last longer?
As a kid born into the nineties one of the first lessons I was taught at school was on friendship. My teacher told me (and the rest of the class) that a friend was someone who cared about you. Unfortunately I learned this lesson, and I believe it has been the cause of many problems in my (and in my classmates’ and others subjected the same teachings) life.
Starting from the assumption that a friend is someone who cares about you:
Making friends
“To make friends with someone I have to make them care about me.”
“To make lots of friends, lots of people have to care about me, so I must make myself into some kind of celebrity.”
Could this be the starting point for a kid who becomes the “class clown”? This approach to friendship seems to favour the arrogant, and the attention seekers.
Staying friends
“If someone isn’t hanging out with me as much, then they don’t care about me and aren’t a real friend.”
“Someone who doesn’t take extra interest in some part of my life is not a true friend”
“A friend must share all the same interests as me.”
“Someone who does not comfort me, or understand what I’m going through is not my friend, my friend should care that I am upset and try to fix things.”
That last quote is a direct reference to the angsty side of ‘emo’ culture, those kids who feel like they’re pushed out and the culture of “no one understands me”.
People who live by the “a friend is someone who cares about me” philosphy is prone to falling out with friends who seem to be moving away from them, or have made a new group of friends (feeling like they’ve been ’sold out’). They’re also likely to limit themselves in their choice of friends because they believe that other people aren’t interested in what they do (the nerdy type, who in reality have endless potential for maintaining social relationships).
What’s the alternative?
If “a friend is someone who cares about me” doesn’t work, then how should we define friendship.
One idea that I have experimented with is almost the exact opposite of the common philosophy.
“A friend doesn’t care.”
Of course, this doesn’t wrap up the whole of friendship right away, and it throws up a load of contradictions, but it’s obvious that it makes about as much sense as the previous idea at least.
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Post CommentMike S.
On July 10, 2008 at 5:42 am
I believe the concept of “anti-drama” should be introduced as the first step in any conflict resolution or any text proffering progress in interpersonal relationships.
It seems that so many other sources neglect to acknowledge the value of “staying out of it” and instead encourage the reader to become an active agent merely for short-term attention.
Granted, the elimination of socially-accepted drama might deal a death blow to the self-help industry, but nobody has to worry about that anytime soon.
Great article!