Getting Naked
How to use trust to gain intimacy and get emotionally naked.
Clothing ourselves against nakedness and vulnerability, of being seen for who and what we really are, is evidenced in every relationship. We are preparing for a job interview and one of the first questions is, “What will I wear?” followed by “What trophies/awards/credentials will I bring?” When preparing for a date we spend hours agonizing how we will ‘dress to impress’.
In both of these, the individual is unwilling to suspend their defenses and to allow vulnerability so as to achieve the goal of being accepted for who and what they are. However, so long as the person remains swathed in the layers of image deception, these will remain an impenetrable barrier to intimacy.
Getting Naked
If we accept that trust is the suspension of selected defenses and the adoption of a position previously considered as one of vulnerability in order to achieve specific goals and regulated by the specific conditions at the time and that trust is essential to get emotionally naked, we can use this as a superstructure for stripping down and getting intimate. As part of this we need to explore five sub questions.
- What are my specific goals in getting emotionally naked in this situation?
- What are the specific conditions under which I am willing to get naked?
- What are the vulnerabilities that I am protecting?
- What are the defenses?
- To what extent do I wish to suspend my defenses?
Specific Goals
No one should put themselves in harm’s way, physically or psychologically, without a good reason. Therefore, in attempting to get emotionally naked you should have some specific ‘rewards’ or outcomes in mind. You need to visualize the change that you want and test this against three criteria. Therefore, the outcome must be something that you want, not something you feel you ‘ought to’ or ‘should do’ for someone else. Second, the goal should be seen by you as achievable. That is, not some distant hope but something you believe can be an outcome. If it isn’t, you may want to pare the goal down until you have some small part that is achievable. Finally, you should feel that you deserve the outcome when you have revealed yourself.
Exercise One: Nominate ONE change that you would like in any one of your interpersonal relationships. What are the specific benefits to you? What is the probability of it being achieved? What is the evidence that supports your belief that revealing yourself will lead to the outcome you want?
Specific Conditions
No one should be silly enough to attempt nakedness in the shopping mall. Similarly, you need to determine the conditions which will best facilitate your intimacy and provide the best protection for you.
Exercise Two: Using the above mentioned goal, identify the optimal the time, the place and other conditions which might best facilitate your achieving your goal.
Exercise Three: Identify the response you want from the other person. Write down what it is that you expect. Use these as a template of expressing to the other person what it is you want from them. These outcomes can be from simply listening to those involving specific PLAN how you will convey these.
Examining Vulnerabilities
It is always important to know what it is that we are defending, what you feel vulnerable about. When these are identified, you can then better decide which of these you still want to keep ‘under wraps’.
Exercise One: In relation to the goal that you have set, LIST more than 5 areas of vulnerability that will be shown by you in order to achieve your goal. Arrange these from the least sensitive to the most sensitive.
Use a short phrase to describe what you fear most in revealing your vulnerability, or getting emotionally naked.
Use a phrase to describe how you ‘clothe’ or hide your vulnerability
Suspending Defenses
Start small. Select your smallest fear and vulnerability.
Make a contract with yourself on the level of honesty you will engage in with regard to that fear. That is, you decide how much you will take off.
Plan how you might suspend your defenses. Include when, where, how long, etc. in your plan
Leave a ‘bolt hole’. That is, have some criteria by which you can regain the defenses.
Don’t leave unless you have exceeded the criteria.
Conclusions
Almost everyone would concede that taking a shower with your clothes on is a very unfulfilling experience. Not only don’t you accomplish what you want and need, but you run the risk of leaving behind the potential for future problems. Similarly, relationships in which there is no trust, no engagement in intimacy, where people are unable to get emotionally naked, are unfulfilling and fertile grounds for future decay. So, if you really want to enjoy your shower and your relationship…get naked.
Liked it
