Getting Over Heartbreak

Breaking up is hard to do. If you have loved and lost, it’s never easy to get over a broken heart no matter how thick-skinned, steel-hearted and strong-willed you consider yourself to be. It can be one of the most stressful experiences one can go through. Despite what the experts might say, there are no established rules, no firm do’s and don’ts, no best way and worst way, no shoulds or shouldn’ts, no universal way that’s tried and true and fail-safe.

Our emotional make-ups are as varied and unique as the fact that no two snowflakes are alike. But there are props that can help you to get through a break-up even if it is the comfort of simply knowing that you are not alone in feeling dejected, miserable, utterly awful and down in the dumps. Half the battle is won and the ordeal overcome by knowing what to expect and dealing with it as best you can.

Here are some pointers as to what to expect and what you can do:

1. If the break-up isn’t sudden but something you are considering, decide whether you are going to do it cold-turkey or gradually. Prepare yourself psychologically and mentally to feel emotional pain and distress.
2. If the break-up is sudden, as when one partner confesses out of the blue to infidelity, then you will be in shock. If the break-up has finally come at the end of a long drawn out vacillating, indecisive period, the reaction can be equally distressful. You will be angry, distraught, numb or even in denial. These are all normal reactions. You will in due course come to terms with the reality that the relationship is over. There will be periods of calm when you believe and accept it or times of after-shock when emotional upheaval recurs.
3. Expect withdrawal symptoms like crying, brooding, excessive thinking about the lost partner, overwhelming urge to go back and make up, beg and plead, give the relationship another chance. Don’t be surprised if you weaken and try to make another start. Try not to do so for you will most likely be prolonging the inevitable, but if you do and you discover you are back at square one, all you have to do is restart the process and try to be stronger next time.
4. If you are the type to talk to get something out of your system, now is the time to rely on your friends. Hopefully they are good listeners and will offer their shoulders to cry on. Tell them to expect to hear from you often and that you may sound like a broken record talking on and on about the break-up. Let them know you need to get the pain out of your system and ask them to forgive you for leaning so heavily on them. Ask them to be tolerant and to bear with you.
5. There will be the tendency to blame yourself for the relationship going sour but don’t be too hard on yourself. It just didn’t work out and most likely the blame is mutual. Yes you’ve made mistakes, behaved badly, let him/her down, but don’t we all? None of us is perfect. Don’t blame yourself unduly. It’s not all your fault.
6. Know that time is on your side. That “time is the great healer” is not merely a saying – it is factually true. You may not forget the experience, but the pain of leaving will subside and eventually disappear. Console yourself that one day you will get over this no matter how hard it is at the present moment.
7. There is no prescribed time limit to feeling better and on top of the world again after breaking off a relationship. Depending on your emotional make-up, the level of involvement of the relationship you are leaving, the length of time you were involved, the intensity of the relationship and what’s at stake, the complexity of the relationship – whether there are issues and matters to be resolved and ratified, these will all go to determine the healing period. Be patient with yourself.
8. Your emotions will probably fluctuate and go up and down like a yo-yo. One day you’ll feel great and on top of the world and feel you have gotten over it. Another day you will recede/regress into the dumps. Don’t be alarmed but press on with your recovery and keep on keeping on. Don’t feel disappointed . It’s all part of the healing process.
9. You will probably feel that you’ve wasted your time in a venture that came to naught but use this as a learning experience. Reflect and see where you may have gone wrong or made the wrong choice or trusted too much. Promise yourself you will grow from it and be wiser for having experienced it.
10. Be gentle with yourself. Pamper yourself. Tell yourself to fail at a relationship doesn’t mean you cannot be successful, to feel weak doesn’t mean you aren’t strong, to lose at something doesn’t mean you cannot conquer, to have loved and lost doesn’t mean you aren’t loveable.
11. Short of wallowing in self-pity, indulge yourself. If you feel like crying, go ahead. If you feel like doing nothing, do nothing. If you feel like screaming, go right ahead as long as you don’t disturb anyone. If you can, take a few days off from work and take it easy or if you are the type to keep busy to take your mind off things, put in a few extra hours at work. If you can afford it, take a trip. A change of scenery or environment can do wonders to heal.
12. If you find that you are excessively depressed, that help from friends fail to make you feel better, then seek certified professional help. Don’t be shy to admit you cannot overcome the pain alone and that you have to get help from experts.