Give and Take

We hear so often about partners in a relationship saying they want some space, or more space, and often it’s a bad sign. Taken by the one who hears it as a rejection, a pulling away.

It’s even worse when a partner says nothing and but instead fails to return a text or make a call after they’ve promised to do so. That’s bad manners for sure yet it may not be a rejection, just a sign the other person feels so troubled they can’t communicate for the moment.

This is where we get straight to that old give and take formula. To make a relationship work partners have to do both and that especially applies to their time together. There is no rule that says couples have to be locked together, in touch, in constant communication, all the time. It is entirely legitimate for both partners to want some space, to pursue an interest or activity.

When you consider all the ways men and women are different – and very few say they aren’t – it’s not surprising that a man may want to go off and do something different. You could even say it would be unnatural if he didn’t because he is made differently, and definitely thinks differently. I am arguing from the man’s point of view because it seems to be mostly men who complain that they “want some space”.

Of course exactly the same applies to a woman who wants space. If he is wise a partner will give it willingly, even though it can be difficult for men who are needy or simply too demanding.   

The UK pop group Madness recorded a lyric called My Girl that discussed the problem of space. The first verse explains, “My girl’s mad at me, I didn’t wanna see the film tonight. I found it hard to say, she thought I’d had enough of her.” It’s all there. He finds it hard to tell her that he just wanted some space, wanted to be on his own, now and then. Typically, he wonders, “Why can’t she see, she’s lovely to me?”

They talk on the phone for an hour but “Hardly say a word”. She can’t see, takes it all the wrong way. That’s the way he tells it of course. This being a pop song by a male group we don’t get her side. The story continues and he thinks they have talked their way through it,  but no, he goes on to complain, “Now when I try to speak, she says that I don’t care. She says I’m unaware.”

Sound familiar? But then comes the killer, the last line is, “Now she says I’m weak.” Ouch! This relationship has some way to go, a bit of maturity on both sides is called for. Plus loads of give and take.