I always thought that life has a fairytale ending. A story starts with “Once upon a time,” and ends with a “happily ever after.”

My full name is Liwanag Del Mundo, very native as it sounds and like what people says about me; I’m a true Filipina in character and looks. Imang said I had the face of an ethnic princess and Apo said I had conservative characteristics of a native. I had grown with my grandparents alone. Imang, my grandmother and Apo, my grandfather told me that my parents died in an accident when I was a baby.

I used to read books when I was little and my favorite story was that of Belle, “Beauty and the Beast.”

Being a child made me live with fantasy and dreams. I had remembered once when Imang said that every girl is a princess and every princess has a prince charming that she had to wait and look for. Like every girl I also believed in that idea and had wished that someday I’ll meet my prince and we can live happily ever after.

“But you have to be very careful,” Imang warned. “There are lots of witches, step mother and sisters outside, they might hurt you.”

I said to myself, who can be those witches, step mother and sisters? Imang just gave me a smile and handed me the new books she bought downtown.

That night I had wished on the brightest star, I wished someday I can meet my prince and have the most wonderful magical dream of history.

***

Years passed and I have been much focused on studying. I had become one of the top students in class but instead of being so happy and contented, I became emptier as days passed by. I know a lot of young girls and boys at my age will be the happiest if they’ll have my grades on their report cards and like Apo said I have everything that a student will dream of having.

More years passed and my feelings became worst even more when I’m seeing the girls who were once enjoying lunch with me but now having dates with different boys in school. I don’t want to join them since I don’t have a date, I’d rather be alone than to be a tag along. Nobody seems to show interest on me. I haven’t been asked to go out on a date by anybody even once in my life. I also haven’t gotten any boyfriend since birth, sad to say but I haven’t experienced to feel loved although I fell in love once with a childhood friend whom I had dreamt of being with me for the rest of my life.

***

I still remember clearly the scent of the white lily he gave me during the last day that I have seen him. It was the end of summer and he needs to go back to Manila with his parents so he could finish school. We promised to meet each other after graduation and that was 10 years from that time we made the promise. I said to myself 10 years is not too long and when that time comes I have to be the best woman for him.

We exchanged letters once a week but after one year I haven’t receive any letters from him anymore but I still continued sending him letters thinking that he was just busy in school. For unknown reason he never sent me a letter from then on. I don’t want to think that he have forgotten our promise so I tried to send him letters consistently once a week for 6 years of hoping that in this way he’ll be reminded of our promise. I just stopped sending him letters when I got to study in college.

On the 8th year of waiting I had told by Minda, our common friend, that Roly has a girlfriend in Manila and they have been together for 4 years.

“Inay said that the girl was from a wealthy family and she’s very beautiful, no wonder Roly will choose her,” said Minda while looking at the mirror, “I knew it! Boys are just like that, they’re after the money and the looks. Roly wasn’t different from them, a player,” she continued.

In my thoughts I don’t want to believe her, it’s just a hunch, there’s no big deal. After a few days neighbors were already talking about it. Some of them even said that they have seen Roly with the girl in Manila when they visited a relative there. After a few weeks someone from them even showed a picture of Roly with a beautiful girl on a restaurant. They say this was the girl whom Roly will marry. That night I haven’t gotten any sleep as I shed most of my tears crying for the love of my life.

Then it became very hopeless since Roly didn’t show up on our promised day. The hurt that kills my heart made me numb as if I want to cry but the eyes went empty without any tear to fall. And then I became very tired, very tired of crying and thinking of him. So I decided to kill myself by working too hard and studying at the same time. I rarely talk to anyone and I always wanted to be alone focusing on my studies and working to earn money. I know Imang and Apo understand my unspoken words so they let me do whatever I wanted to do.

Year after year I had become very successful in my career but emptier inside. I don’t know where I’m headed to but I’m sure that my future is not about happiness but loneliness.

***

I haven’t felt loved even once but fooled a lot of times in my 21 years of existence. I guess the problem is me because every time that I’ll begin to feel something special for someone the situation will get screwed up even before we can start a relationship. This had happened so many times that I can’t even remember the exact details of those situations.

One thing that I can still remember, but not too clear is that of a boy at my age. We study at the same school then he came up to me and we became friends. After some weeks he confessed that he likes me so much and that he gets nervous every time we’re together. The next day I was planning to tell him that I like him too and I would be happy to start a relationship with him but I won’t be able to see him. 3 days passed then 5 days then a week after the confession that was the time I have seen him kissing a girl from school. I tried to ask him but I changed my mind, maybe we’re not really meant for each other.

The other one which I can remember is that of my girl friend’s friend. My girl friend introduced him to me and we became friends. At first, I really thought that he was so in to me since he really showed affection that sometimes I’ve mistaken as flirting. Then it did came, he said he really like me so much and he wanted me to be his girl but of course I for nervous so he did told me to think it over and he’s willing to wait. The next day and it did happen again, I didn’t see him. After some days there I saw him on a bar very intimate with the girl who introduced us to each other. When they saw me they even waved at me then turn back and kissed each other. So I tried to asked him, “I thought I love you but I realized it’s not,” he just simply said.

This had happened a lot of times with all the boys who said they like me. Then it came clearly, this is my fate – to be alone and not to experience a romantic love story.

***

After all the heartaches I thought my heart melted like plastic and I felt numb for the next couple of months but then I met Erich. He was the sweetest guy who made me felt needed but he was also the worst damn cheater that I have known. While he was telling me sweet words like he wanted to be my lover and I would be the woman he wants to marry and he would give me everything he can to show how special I am to him, in my back he was also telling these things to different women. I have known that he has a girlfriend already but he insisted that I am the girl that he wanted to be with and that his relationship with his girlfriend is not important compared to me. At first, honestly speaking, I believed everything he said to me and I trusted him. After saying he’ll going to take care of me, he won’t leave me, and so many romantic words, he made me fell into his curse. I gave myself for the first time to a man whom I trusted and loved but after just one night he left me and continued playing games with other women he knew. Then I saw a lot of proofs that he was just playing with me like he was doing to other women that he met. He just treated me like some other girls. This was the worst thing that happened to me. After one night it all came just like a nightmare when I woke up.

***

Now, I don’t believe in fairytales or in happy endings. There is no such thing as prince charming. There is only a princess who can be sad or happy. A princess like me without anything, without love, without prince and happiness will be out of the fairytale but will be on novels.

If true love will come my way in the future, that I do not know but today I promised myself “I won”t be fooled again’ and I will take care of my broken heart since it’s taking too long to heal. I won’t ever look for someone who will bring back the broken million pieces of my heart because I don’t think someone can bring it back.

For those who are in a relationship right now, I’ll tell you guys you’re lucky to love and fell loved so you must not waste time on least important things. Let your love one feel that they are special and always remember how lucky you are because someone has loved you and you felt loved even just once unlike the people who haven’t loved even once. Lucky you are for not shedding sea of tears for feeling ignored and left alone. Your simple love story can be the best fairytale of time. So if you’re in a fairytale right now, go ahead and make everyday a “once upon a time” and a “happily ever after,” because you never know if tomorrow you’ll end up crying over a love that you still continue to feel even if it has been ended already.