Help, My Relationships Don’t Make Sense

Dear Crabby Abby,  

My relationships with men are confusing. Actions tell me one thing but words tell me another. It makes me feel like I’m crazy sometimes trying to make sense of things.

Even when I have a good man in my life, I see the same pattern emerge. I have tried talking about it. I have also tried to look at myself to see if I’m doing the same thing. I don’t think I am. I have examined and picked at myself trying to find something that I can fix, because when things don’t make sense, that’s what I do.
Actions tell me that I’m cared for and loved in a certain way and words tell me otherwise. I know that they say that actions speak louder than words, but without the words to connect them to concrete feelings, I feel like

I’m living on instinct.

I just want life to make sense. I’m tired of not understanding. HELP!!!!

 Mia

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Mama Mia!!!!!!

My head is doing some serious spinning….Want life to make sense? Tired of not understanding?
I could suggest 100 things you could try to do to improve the situation IN the relationship. Chances are very good that you could do everything on the list and still be exactly where you are…..frustrated like a bird in a cage and feeling like you’re seeing things. Sometimes 90% of a relationship makes sense, but the 10% that doesn’t gets all the attention. (Like a fabulous body with less than perfect legs)

The primary problem isn’t so much that your relationships don’t make sense, although that is something that deserves some attention. It’s about you being overly invested in finding the sense in someone or in a relationship that isn’t making any to you.

You don’t HAVE to make sense of stuff that doesn’t, little Miss Intellect. You are not STUCK in a relationship like it’s a prison until you make sense of it, Mia, just like you don’t HAVE to LIVE where you exit on a highway! Get off the road when it’s time to exit.

If a relationship doesn’t make sense.. DISENGAGE. Give “senseless” a wave, then put your energy into the stuff that DOES make sense. Find what feels peaceful and wrap your arms that stuff.Isn’t it smarter emotionally to invest yourself in relationships that make sense to you and don’t inspire you to pick at yourself looking for what you’re doing wrong?

Perhaps there was an early childhood relationship that hurt you deeply and confused you. Maybe you look for other relationships that feel that same way and try to find the sense as a way of self healing from that early experience. It ain’t gonna happen…..you instead become that same over invested person, willing to take responsibility for the chaos. Maybe you need to lighten up on what doesn’t make sense and pay attention to what DOES and see if that’s enough to sustain the relationship.

One thing is certain. If you see a pattern in your relationships, you have the power to change that pattern. The sense will come or it won’t. If it’s not there and you don’t like how that feels, find people and relationships that feel better for you.

So interesting how we twist oursleves like pretzels, and tell ourselves that THAT is what it means to care. I only eat pretzel rods or sticks.

Good luck!