Honest to Goodness

I remember reading about how important it is to tell your partner how to please you. It was referring to what feels good sexually. This feels good, this hurts, higher, lower, faster, slower…….hmmmm.

Is that the only area that benefits from that kind of communication? It seems that maybe because physical intimacy has a time limit, it’s a good place to practice telling a partner what feels best. You only have to do it while you’re having sex. That’s not all day every day for most of us. And, there IS the instant reward that comes from having a partner give it to you “right”. But, what about daily living. What does it feel like to communicate with a partner about what feels good, bad and in between on a daily basis?

Well….I can only speak from my personal experience. I had a decade of marriage with no communication. There simply was not a space for it. And, every time I attempted to make a space, to speak my mind, to ask for something that I wanted, I was reminded in a way that was undeniable that my needs and wants just didn’t matter in this relationship. In fairness to my exhusband, his needs didn’t matter to me either. I can’t even say for sure that I thought about what he needed. It didn’t occur to me that I had anything to offer him that he needed. I was too busy and amazed with the thought that I could have a husband who had NO CLUE who I was. Married. Sad. Hurt. Lonely.

Honest Leads to Goodness…..Honest to Goodness, it does.

Now I’m a divorced woman. I have a man in my life who I love. We are struggling with our relationship, trying to find a place in both of our lives that feels comfortable to have it. We have problems and we have had some really painful moments. But, we have shared them. We have worked hard to understand one another. And, even when we disagree, we have our love. Even when the growing pains of our relationship hurt each of us, we have laughter. Even when there is frustration, there is caring. And, while it’s not the perfect relationship, it is beautiful in its imperfection. It’s not like we just got lucky, although I DO feel lucky. It’s that we are both willing to keep communicating honestly even when it would be so much easier to shut down and retreat. To say the hard things and to not pretend for the sake of still waters.

I understand that what makes what we share so special is that we SHARE it. And, that for both of us, TODAY matters most of all. To appreciate that we have today. To be inspired by and cheered for by one another. To not be afraid to ask for more. To be BRAVE and honest even if it means the relationship doesn’t last a lifetime because of the honesty. The alternative is to pretend and shut down. To watch the distance between honesty and emptiness narrow. To continue without desire. To cease to grow. To constantly look at tomorrow because today is empty and loveless.

Today is all we really have. Relationships are truly what we make them. They are a creation. The most sacred creation that we have as humans. Good relationships are so worth the work. And, they ARE work. It is a gift to have someone in my life that doesn’t think I’m too much work. I will always be thankful for what I have learned with this special man about myself.  My love is meaningful. I am brave for the sake of it.