How to Break Up with a Girl: The Do’s and Don’ts

First, let me say that we all know that breakups happen, whether you have been dating two years or two days. They can be painful, awkward and are often botched horribly on both sides. Boys don’t go in blind! You need help. You know it, I know it, everyone you know knows it. Here are a few things not to say (and why) and a few things to say (and why), and a few helpful hints that will get you through.

1. “Let’s just be friends.”

   Dear God, don’t say that. Unless you were friends before you dated, and I mean real friends, not mere acquaintances-its not true anyway. You can’t be friends. Dating, sex-it changes the dynamics. Don’t try to be friends. For one, it will just be awkward and drag out the pain of the breakup. For two, in many a girls mind this translates to “There is still a chance.” Then you have your own little stalker. Don’t want that. And don’t be “Friends with Benefits” unless you are both completely lacking in any notion of what it is to have a healthy relationship. That’s what hookers are for. Also, see the stalker thing.

Say instead: I like you, you’re a good person, blah-de-blah-blah, but we aren’t meant to be together. We need to be free to find who we were truly meant to be with.

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Or

We are just not connecting anymore. Remember, be honest!

But not too honest! If you want to move on, say so. Don’t hem and haw about it, and pussy foot around. However, don’t say “Look, you’ve gotten really fat. I can’t date a fat chick.” That will get you killed, and her acquitted for the murder. “You know you’re crazy, right?” Bad idea. “I’m looking for somebody younger.” Again, resulting in your death. Honesty like, “We’re two different people now.” Or “It’s not working out.” These are fine.

2. “It’s not you, it’s me.”

   If you say that, I get to kill you. No one buys that. It’s trite and insulting. Be honest (again!). If there are genuine reasons (that won’t result in your death), tell her! She may not accept them, she may even argue, but “That’s just how I feel .” is hard to argue with.

3. Break up in a semi-public place.

   There are a couple of reasons for this. She won’t be able to pull a knife without the police being called. In your apartment or your car you are endangering your stuff and yourself. She is less likely to freak and if she does she can be arrested, which, at least for the moment, takes care of your problem.

4. Spring for a meal.

   Good food helps in most situations and makes you look like less of a jerk (yeah, honey, there’s nothing you can do about that. You are going to look like a jerk, even if you’re not). Make it private enough that your conversation won’t be overheard when using a normal speaking voice. But no alcohol! If she’s crazy this will make it worse, and you might want to come back to that semi-public place.

5. Don’s suggest break-up sex.

   If she does, politely tell her that you have more respect for her than that (even if you don’t). Again, the false hope thing will result in more anger, and a possible stalker.

6. Don’t call or say she can call you later “Just to see how things are.”

   Things are going to be crappy. For awhile. Don’t make it worse. A clean break, kiddo. When its over, its over (see number one.)

7. You get to let her be angry.

   Yep, you get to let her vent and you listen to it. You don’t have to agree and if it gets too ugly you can walk away (public place), but you are the one breaking up with her. She gets to tell you off for it, and it’s a fair trade.

Okay, Some Addenda:

• If you have children together

  You will ALWAYS have a relationship with that person as you share parenthood. If you break up, don’t expect a ‘clean break’. If its for the children (child), which is usually the truth, you can often be better people and better parents apart than you can together. But don’t, DON’T, be a dick about it. Don’t involve the kids if you can help it at all, and let them know that you love them and that its not their fault that mommy and daddy aren’t together.

• If you share a living space

  Make arrangements for your stuff in an immediate fashion or you will find it flying out a window. Bring a couple of quiet, well-mannered buddies to help who won’t make it all worse and try to arrange it when she is gone. If she is the one moving, be gone when she’s doing it (unless worried about your stuff going the way of the moving truck). If you share a space equally and neither of you want to move, you move. Be the bigger person, and take the responsibility.

• Don’t involve mutual friends.

  This is tempting, but wrong and you know it. Nobody likes to be pulled in different directions. Be the better person, take the high ground, whatever, but don’t try to make your friends choose sides.

Alright, this is never easy, but do the right thing – don’t be a dick and life will go on. Separately. And that’s what you want. Right?

Other things by me:

• http://socyberty.com/society/how-to-impress-a-girl-4/

• Allison in the Rain or Why I Don’t Teach High School Anymore
• Little Girls Don’t Grow Up to be Han Solo
• http://socyberty.com/relationships/how-to-talk-to-women/
• Miss Annie What Happened to Their Penis
• http://www.purpleslinky.com/Jokes/Relationship/10-Ways-Not-to-Break-Up-with-Your-Significant-Other.701485
• http://www.socyberty.com/Relationships/How-to-Make-Up-with-a-Girl-in-Six-Steps.695923

• http://socyberty.com/subcultures/the-care-and-feeding-of-the-north-american-geek/

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