How to Break Up with Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend
If you’re questioning whether you should break up, then its probably over for you. There is no easy way to do it, but it could be easier.
Breaking up is never easy. There are definitely some people that it is necessary to break up with. What do you do when the person is nice, but you just can’t stand their neediness? What do you do when a person is mean to others, but seems to love you immensely? What do you do when the person is a habitual liar and you just don’t know if you can trust them? These are the not so easy break ups, because there was no big blow out or fight or no real harm done. How do you do it in these cases?
Be Honest
As the old adage goes, “Honesty is always the best policy.” Once I tried breaking up with a guy where I purely blamed myself. But I wasn’t the reason that I wanted to break up. I knew that I didn’t want to purely blame him, because I knew that he had these character flaws early in the relationship. I tried not blaming anyone. Then I didn’t have anything to say, but its over, and its not you, it’s me. So, in the end I had to be honest to clear my conscience and start no further problems.
Being honest is definitely not going to be the easiest task. It leaves you vulnerable. You are putting your heart on the table and then telling them that they can’t have it. Now what will they do to your heart? That is basically what makes it hard. You may not want to see her cry. You may not want him to blow you off. You may just want to keep them smiling. Then again, how can you when you are leaving them alone?
Know What You Are Going to Say
Cliché as this may seem… practice in the mirror a few times. Write down what you are going to say. Get it right in your head. There is nothing like bringing up irrelevant information to make the conversation go awry. Then you are only picking bones and not being truly honest. Or you may say something that you will regret later. Know where you stand. And stand your ground. Before you get there for the conversation you should be sure that this is what you really want. There is no bigger turn off than indecisiveness.
Don’t let a break up be a passion break up. I mean these things happen. But if you go over it in your head first, you may decide that it is silly and you want to work things out. So going over what to say first, can bring a lot of clarity and save you from possible heartache.
Say What You Gotta Say
Now you have practiced your honest approach and got it right. Don’t forget to say it to him/her soon. Waiting will only prove to punk you out. Then you will stay where you are not happy. You will mull over it again and try to reconsider the inevitable. Don’t do this to yourself. Go through with it. If you truly care for the other person, then you won’t keep them in limbo on your decision.
I don’t care if you have to read it off a piece of paper. Let the other person know how you feel. If you can’t bear reading it, hand them the letter. I don’t personally like this one, because it’s so impersonal, but if you must, send them the letter or write them a note. Just let them know and let them know now! Waiting only makes it worse.
Stand Your Ground
Once you have honestly stated your resolve, and then stick with it. Walk away and don’t turn back. If you decided to remain friends, then give yourself the needed time to get over the love feelings. If you decided that the person is no friend, then cut off all ties. There is nothing as bad as a roller coaster relationship. It zaps the life right out of you and puts extra baggage in your hands to take into the next relationship.
Love yourself enough to choose a mate that resonates with you and you resonate with them. You should never feel the need to change the one you are with. You should never change yourself for anyone else either. Happiness with your mate is very much possible. Don’t try to fit the corner piece in the middle of the puzzle. Find the piece that goes next to it.
I hope this was helpful in some way. Be strong.
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User Comments
Tarra B.
On February 22, 2008 at 1:34 pm
honest, practical advice!
Jimmy
On February 22, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Listen to my cousin,she is so smart
Netta
On February 22, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Good Advice
brenda
On March 17, 2008 at 10:10 pm
this totally remaids me when when i broked up wit ma boyfriend. i always blamed it on me but now i look at the bright side.
Gerlaine
On March 19, 2008 at 1:05 am
Thanks Tarra, for always commenting on my work and Brenda…the bright side is the best side.
sorques
On March 27, 2008 at 11:06 am
What do you do when you’ve been with an almost aggressive man for 20 years and kids are raised and you can think of nothing but leaving?? He doesn’t have a job and I worry about him taking care of himself, but just want out!! What do I owe him after 20 years, we are not married but living together
Gerlaine
On March 27, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Dear Sorques,
20 years is a long time! I don’t find it hard to believe that you would feel this way after such a length of time. It is a blessing to share life with someone for twenty years. Some years may be harder than others, but I would say that is a great commitment.
You’ve been married for about the last 13 years, if you’re where I’m from. But they count all the way back to the move in date. You say that he is almost aggressive. Hmmmm…the thing about that description is that it means he hurts you in some way and you may be trying to diminish the seriousness of it. Or that you’re just plain tired of the fussing and arguing.
Well, I’ll tell you what you do. You go get yourself a sheet of paper. I know this may seem like a silly exercise, but I know that it works. Then you fold the paper in half. Down the right side, you right all the good stuff about him. Then go take a break and then write some more. Think of when you first met, and when you were raising the children. I even bet there have been good times since the children have been grown and gone. Then you take the left side and all in one bout write the bad things that you come up with.
Now, if the good outweighs the bad, then you must take some consideration of that and go show that man some love. If the bad outweighs the good, then you may want to reconsider (as it seems you’re doing now) the relationship. Next step would be to get some support. Family and friends is always best to help you take the leap, but if that is too embarrassing. Battered women’s shelters help even those that are not physically abused. What ever your case is. They help people to leave a relationship that they may not be too comfortable leaving.
What do you owe him after 20 years? You owe him the truth. I hope this may have helped in some way.
Gerlaine
On March 27, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Another comment for Sorques,
After 20 years, I am sure the good outweighs the bad or you were a serious glutton for punishment. I mean that with the utmost seriousness. You say you wonder will he be able to take care of himself. You must ask yourself…how long did he take care of you? Did he ever take take care of you? Were there times that you were not so agreeable, if he was taking care of you? And finally do you love him? and does he love you?
There is nothing you can do to change that man after 20 years. You can only change yourself. With sincere love…~G
Tarra B.
On April 3, 2008 at 11:51 pm
To Sorques:
Happiness and feeling content in a relationship are two very important factors, without either of these, a partner can be left feeling hopeless and trapped. You have to have a heart to heart with yourself and figure out what is best for you. Set aside your worries about anyone else but yourself, this is a time to be selfish. Worry about what will make you happy. Don’t let regret get to you later. Life is too short to stay in a failing relationship. If he is abusive, physically or emotionally, you should have left already and need to do so immediately. You need to decide, that after 20 years, if you can move on and let him go. If you cannot, stay, if you can, go. No one can really tell you exactly what to do. Relationships can only be defined by the people involved. Hope you find happiness, everyone deserves that. After 20 years, you owe it to yourself.
Clarabelle
On April 8, 2008 at 9:20 pm
DEAR WHOEVER this is, i want to break up with my boyfriend but i do not know what to say to him.we don’t even talk to eachother anymore.and i miss him sooooo much,but i gotta do what i gotta do.
sincerely Clarabelle
Confused
On April 9, 2008 at 9:08 pm
I am a sophmore in college. i met my boyfriend the second month of my freshman year. i was so attracted to him when we first met and always cared for whatever he was feeling, doing or saying. Its been a year and 6 months and right now i dont feel that were in the same place in our lives. i have two more years of college and 2 years of my masters, my bf is graduating and starting a real job. we decided to stay together until the end of the semester but im finding it really hard to do so. I get irritated at small things he does, im very cranky to him, i find that when im with my friends im myself, but with him i cant be myself anymore. I care for him soooo much and i dont want to hurt him but i feel like i cant be myself with him anymore. I dont know if its just me refusing to try an longer or if our relationship has gone sour. he has admited to me that it gets harder and harder for him to love me becuase of my irritability but that he will always love me no matter what. he is seriously the perfect guy and he hasnt done anything wrong, i just feel that i have changed. What can i do or say to tell him its over? and to convince myself that i really need to be my old self again? please help!
Gerlaine
On April 13, 2008 at 1:04 am
Dear Clarabelle,
You weren’t very clear, so I do not know how to respond. If you miss him, then you must be apart. It is easy to want to leave a relationship if you don’t see a person very often. If you are not talking anymore and this is suppose to be a relationship, then there is something missing in this relationship anyway. No communication and no touch sensation equals over without words.
There is an “unless” here. Unless he is in the army. He is off in college. He is out of town because of a job. And things of that nature. But if you don’t want him anymore no matter what, telling him is best.
Be kind. God bless.
Gerlaine
On April 13, 2008 at 1:23 am
Dear Confused,
If the relationship is going to be over at the end of the semester, then it is no wonder you feel this anxiety. No one gets in a relationship for it to end. When you know the end is near, your very soul feels uncomfortable. It’s just not natural for relationships to end. Even though it does happen.
You have choices. Be friends now, and cut off being lovers. No matter how hard it may be. Waiting until later may just prolong your agony. Enjoy him until the end of the semester. Or plan to be with him beyond the end of the semester. You may want to talk to him about this.
If you are not breaking up, then you may still be feeling anxiety, because you feel like once he gets a “real job” then he will leave you far behind. You still need to talk to him about this. Find out if all of what you are feeling is real or imagined. As women, lots of time we perceive situations to be one way and our men have no idea what we are thinking. So, talk girl, talk. Communicate. Communicate.
Yes, you have changed. As a woman, you will continue to change. You will change over the years a hundred times. But that doesn’t mean that you have to be disagreeable. When you understand this anxiety, then you can make wiser choices. The choice is yours.
JIN
On May 31, 2008 at 6:10 pm
nice advice!
抄到我的作业里了o(∩_∩)o…哈哈
Coleen
On June 4, 2008 at 12:19 pm
k heres the problem…i do love my boyfriend but when he isn’t around i want him around but when he is around i don’t want him around. so yeah none of this info helps me at all!!!!! so get a dang clue!
Gerlaine
On June 10, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Coleen,
This article may not be for you. Maybe I should write an article just for you. I will call it… The Lover Coaster. I think that it will be perfect for your situation.
Mike Paahana
On June 22, 2008 at 7:02 pm
i never break it off i just wait till they do u might as well ride them 4 all u can till they like stop
sarah
On July 9, 2008 at 4:06 pm
So I broke up with my boyfreind of 10months cuz i was at uni and gettin attention so i wanted to be single. And then this guy that i work with starts showin interest and we r mates so i jus go along with it and then i find out he is a reali nice guy. (I have never done personality over looks before) and so we get together like seeing each other and then we officially bf gf a couple of months later. And at first things were reali great and everything was going okay. And then i came home for spring break and I see my ex which i was still talking to cuz hes an absolute sweetheart. and i end up kissing him one nite. not a full on kiss jus a kiss on the lips. And as luck would have it my current bf finds out! off course he says he cant trust me blah blah but then i convince him that we can work n it was jus a gliche.
So then everythin is all okay while im still at Uni but then i come home for the summer and i see my boyfriend for like a week straight and im feeling reali suffocated! He stated round for a couple of nights and then says yea i gotta go home and see the parents do you want me to come back tommorrow night? and im thinkin geez i jus need some space you know? see my mates etc etc. So he goes home but hes txting me like every single day. every hour
And then i go out with my mates one saturday night. And theres no cell signal in the club so when i come out ive got like 20texts form him sayin he feels insecure and he doesnt no what im doing blah blah and doesnt trust my ex. and then he phones me one night while im reali drunk n starts questioning me like where have you been do u still want to be with me whats the point? and he like crying while sayin all of this. and because im drunk im just like well yea ill call u 2moz.
But i didnt call him he txt me loads the next day. and by now ive talked a lot to my ex and we said we should go for a drink sumtime like reali harmless u no. And then im thinkin about my ex loads and he tells me hes goig on a date and i suddenly find myself feeling a lil bit jealous and looking this girl up on facebook and finding everythin about her! pathetic right but i dunno why i did it!.
So then my current bf starts calling me and i refuse to pick up cuz im not reali good with words when im wound up and its about relationships. Anyway i tell my bf that i feel suffocated and i dont wanna see him this week and that i know he doesnt trust me becasue of my ex and im gettin reali annoyed.! On the other part the whole personality before looks. im not reali sure i can sleep with him anymore i dunno what it is. i see him in pictures and im not reali proud that hes my bf ya no. i mean hes a reali nice guy and everything. oh and his mums loves me which reali freaks me out! anyway yea i refuse to talk to him after that cuz like i reali need a chill session.
In the mean time im talking to my ex loads and havin a little flirt as you do. and im thinking to myself you no it would be reali nice to kiss him jus once. and i no this shouldnt be going round in my head.
i have no idea what to do. My ex is very special to me cuz he was the 1st person i slept with and I was to him so we will always have that sorta connection. But i reali like the guy im going out with now. n i love him but i think its kind of a friendship love ya no. He hasnt got a bad bone in his body and i dont wanna upset him and when we go out we have a right laugh.
Im just reali confused! please help!
Gerlaine
On August 20, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Sarah,
I am sorry that it took me so long to respond. I hope that you just happen to check back here to this article and read what I am saying.
You are not experiencing anything new. This happens to many men and women in life. First you made a decision to leave your ex, because you were too far away. You wanted the freedom to love another. But when you are close to your ex, the old flame starts to blaze.
The new boyfriend is totally freaking out! That can be scary. I could profile your new boyfriend all day long. But that is not necessary.
You know what you want and you are very decisive. If you break up with your boyfriend, it is going to hurt and upset him. There is no way around that. If you keep fooling around with your ex while keeping the current boyfriend, then you will definitely lose the respect of both men. Even if they don’t say that they don’t respect you, a measure will undeniably be lost.
So, Sarah, you know what do do. Go ahead and do it! Remember to live life without regrets.
Gerlaine
On August 20, 2008 at 6:07 pm
I have not had access to a computer for a while, but now I am back in full force. I finally finished that article for Colleen. The article is called “The Lover Coaster.” I really hope Sarah gets back for her response. If not I am sure that the advice will help someone. Thank you everyone for sharing with me.
Gerlaine
On August 22, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Lucy-Ann,
Sadly there is not much help for someone who alienates themselves from their family for a boyfriend. When you talk to her you can be normal. Love her as if nothing is wrong. Nagging her or guilting her about her actions will only serve to push her farther away.
Hope this helped. I can always be contacted at thewriter@gerlaine.com.
bb
On September 19, 2008 at 9:08 pm
i want to break up with my bf but dont wanna hurt his feelings..i kinda like other guys so idk what to say. and i am overwhelmed with school. im in 8th grade! idk if i will miss him a lil and it may be akward cuz we are in the same classes and lunch!
what should i say?!
HELP!
Gerlaine
On September 19, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Oh, BB, You are at such a special age. Yours is easy. All hurt feelings will end very soon for you. “Let’s be friends,” definitely works at your age. Just ask your boyfriend to be your “Just a friend.” He may not like it at first, but his feelings will be spared. Then give yourself 2-3 weeks before you find another boy. I hope this helps BB. ~G
jen
On September 24, 2008 at 7:24 pm
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and the first year was great super awesome..then our second year he went off to college and i was still in high school and he started denying me and dating a girl. i found out thru his best friend who had a big time crush on me.so we fixed that and we both agreed he would have no contact with this girl and i would have no contact with his best friend..then 2 years later i find out that he never stopped talking to her..i on the other hand did..i gave up most of my friends for him because he was so insecure about him self and he didnt want me to just go out with my guy friends who i had known for years before i ever even met him..so when i found out two years later that he never stopped talking to her or stopped hanging out with her..i confronted him and he said that there was nothing wrong with him talkin to her because he wasnt doing anything..it sucks because he is always lying to me about his friends that are girls and he doesnt want me to meet any of his girl friends…and he always deletes all his text messages from them..its not like im going thru his phone or anything but if he gets a text from them while were together he wont even read them he will just delete them..i am having a big time issue trusting him..but at the same time i love him to death i really do..i feel like i cant be without him..and id just be super broken hearted if we ended our relationship..specially since we had wedding plans and all that..but i also feel like i need to break up with him cuz he is just hurting me…please help me..i dont know what to do please..
thanx
lolo
On September 26, 2008 at 6:40 am
i have been dating this guy for seven years. unfortunately he left to another country when i was 16years and before he left he introduced me to his parents and upto now i have not seen him, we talk over the phone and send each other photos, but iam getting fed up and i donot have feelings for this guy anymore, i want to move on but donot know what to say to him and his family.
please help
Gerlaine
On September 28, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Jen, what advice would I give you about your boyfriend? You know what it is so I don’t have to even say it. But ultimately this choice is yours. You can decide to stay and let things be as they are.
Since you personally decided to let some of your old male friends go. An apology to them is nothing but a phone call away. If they were your true friends, then they will take you back.
Since you don’t seem to trust this guy, whether he is lying or not is not the issue. If you don’t trust him, then your relationship in marriage or not married will be a truly miserable one.
And last but not least, Jen, broken hearts do mend. Even though you end it, the tears will still flow and it will take time to get over it. But broken hearts mend.
~gerlaine I can also be contacted at thewriter@gerlaine.com
Gerlaine
On September 28, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Lolo,
I have had relationships from over seas. I have lost interest and I am not with either man anymore. It will not be an easy task to break up with him or tell his family. But you can do it.
Voice how you feel and tell him that you need to move on. Allow him to tell his own family. If he does not, then you can voice that you and their son decided to break up. It doesn’t mean that you love the family any less.
I would take my time and do this. If I never had done it myself, I would not have believed that it could be so hard to break up with someone who was so far away.
As I say above….you must be firm in your decision. That will carry you through above all.
~G I can also be contacted at thewriter@gerlaine.com
Jazz
On October 7, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Ive been with this guy for alomost four years. The first year and a half was great, but now i think about leaving everyday. Sometimes im not sure if its a case of grass is greener sernerio. I have no friends no social life and i think i could be ok with that if he was there for me more but hes not. Its almost likie he cant be without me yet he wont pay me any attention when we are together. I know he loves me but he wont try and work on showing me. I thought we would be together forever and slowly im noticing i could never stay happy with him in the future the way things are now. What should i do?
Gerlaine
On October 8, 2008 at 12:54 am
Well Jazz,
Here is the clear cut and dry. Associate with some friends and go out. He may get upset that you want to have a life outside of him, but you obviously need it.
Also, once you get to hanging out beyond him, if he loves you the way you say he does, then he will miss you and give you much more attention when you are back with him. What’s to talk about when everyday is together? Once you get some separate experiences, then there will be more to inquire about.
I think the two of you have come to a place called complacency or same ole’ same ole’. The cure for complacency would be to get a life. The two of you should go out together sometimes as well. Do new stuff to break complacency out of the relationship.
~G, you can also contact me at thewriter@gerlaine.com
sicily
On October 27, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Hi Gerlaine,
I’ve been dating my boy for almost 3 years now. And he’s always been perfect. He gives me space, he understands my demanding work schedule…we have never argued (not a huge row anyway) and on paper, this is the perfect relationship. Except for the past few months now, I am beginning to feel less and less in love with him. We can both go for days without calling or texting each other, and we only see each other once a week, or less. I feel that I might as well be single since I do so many things alone … and the funny part is, I don’t mind doing thins alone. At all. It’s been a while since I thought to myself, “I wish he was here to share this with me”. I just feel like our lives are so disconnected from each other and that maybe I’ve changed. There’s no intimacy in this relationship anymore, just companionship and convenience. I don’t know how to break it off with him as I don’t want to hurt his feelings and really, he has been nothing but wonderful. I just really do not want to hurt him. Part of me feels like igniting a fight just so there’s an excuse to break it off. Sigh.
Gerlaine
On October 29, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Sicily,
I have been where you are. I possibly know exactly how you feel. When I wrote that article, I myself was contemplating a break up. Three years is a commitment. It is not a fly by night relationship. So, breaking up is not always the answer to your problem in this case. It seems to me that your relationship simply has a loss of passion. Coincidentally, I wrote an article about that as well. You may want to check it out.
http://www.socyberty.com/Relationships/Losing-Passion-and-Three-Ways-to-Find-It.226195
and also
http://www.socyberty.com/Relationships/The-Lover-Coaster.219179
It is my passion to study relationship and advise by what I see, research and hear, as well as experience. I do pride myself in NOT making decisions for my readers, but opening them up to new and different ways of thinking or reminding them of some point that they already know. This allows you to make your own open decision. This empowers you. That is what I am about!
After three years, you will definitely find yourself wanting some (sometimes much needed) alone time. This does not mean that love is lost. It simply means that you are human. Relationships don’t just happen. Relationships are made by the couple. Passion and infatuation (those love feelings), are not automatic. They are induced. Now, it takes both of you wanting this to accomplish the rekindling, but it can be done. I am a fan of ‘let’s stay together,’ but I understand that sometimes parting ways is best. Especially, when one or both lovers are not willing to invest.
The disconnected feeling will come, when passion subsides. You may want to talk to your lover about this. I know that this is not your style, but I must put in this disclaimer. Talk about rekindling the passion without pointing the finger or passing blame. You may want to go over it in your head or write it down before you talk to your lover. When you read the note back to yourself, imagine that he wrote it to you and see how you feel. This will help to get your feelings out without offending the one that you love. I know that may be a bit corny or a bit much, but if you don’t want to hurt his feelings, then I am sure that you love him. And if you love him, then nothing is too corny or too much.
A lot of the time, we expect relationships to just automatically be sunny. The sun will shine in your relationship as soon as you turn your partner on. Not necessarily in a sexual way, but turn on their passion for you in intellectual as well as caring ways.
My advice is to make up before you break up. Read the articles above. Share your concerns with your lover in a loving way. Remember why you loved the man in the first place. If you can’t rekindle the passion anymore after trying, then simply take the steps in the break up article. There is no easier way to break up with someone you care about. The only thing that would make it easy is not to care at all.
Renee
On October 31, 2008 at 11:01 am
Hello,
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. I moved in with him like 3 months into the relationship. I know that we need to break up and I think he does too. We are now more like roomates than in a relationship. At this point in time I am unemployed and he is working. I dont know when I am supposed to actually break up. I mean I dont want to say it before he goes to work and ruin his whole day. I dont want to say it after he goes to work cause he doesnt get home til 1 am. It is strange to think of sleeping in the same bed as him then waking up and saying okay well I am leaving. And then the thought of having to pack all of my things. I think I am over thinking things but I really dont want to hurt him. There is no main reason for the break up besides we have drifted apart and arnt really right for eachother. He is a good guy and I wish this was easier!! I dont know what to do.
Gerlaine
On November 1, 2008 at 7:47 am
Renee,
2 1/2 years after moving in only 3 months is a long time. I would give you the same advice as Ms. Sicily above. Her advice definitely applies to you.
If you want to talk to me further, then write me at thewriter@gerlaine.com.
dhona
On November 7, 2008 at 6:26 am
i am from maldives and i think that my boyfriend has been lying to me. and also ive known that my earlier love affair loves me but he doesnt express himself because he thinks that i am in serious relations with my boyfriend. yes… i was serious.. but i found out that he has been msging to some other girls and he has lied to me. i just want to break up with him now. i cant be with a guy who lied to me. if i give him another chance i am pretty much sure that he will repeat it again… at the moment i am not able to meet him personally because i am at lanka for my studies and he is in maldives. i just dont know how to talk to him through phone….
how to start the topic…. he doesnt even know that i am going to breakup with him…..
…
Gerlaine
On November 8, 2008 at 9:05 am
Dhona,
If you follow the advice above in the article, then you will be fine. You do not have to stay with a liar. And you should not feel bad for letting a liar go. You may be sad, because you miss his good parts or because you feel you lost a part of yourself, but I assure you that you will rejuvenate.
Michelle
On November 14, 2008 at 5:08 pm
I have been in a relationship with a guy for 10 years since I was 19. He moved in with me a month into the relationship because he didn’t have a place to live. It has never been an easy relationship (arguing etc.). For the past few years I have been feeling like I missed out on a lot of things because I’m with him. I have begun to really resent him because of this and really feel like breaking up with him. He has been my best friend but somewhere along the way I have lost myself. I feel like I’ll be fine if we break up but I am worried about how he will be. Before when we’ve talked about breaking up he says stuff like how he might as well be dead then and he can’t live without me. This has kept me scared and staying in the relationship for a long time. What do I do?
Pari
On November 20, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Hello Frnds
this is pari,Ive been with my bf for alomost four years.but everything is not same as before,we worked in different cities.we talk on phone every day 4 to 5 times but when we talk we start fighting.i dont like when he ignores me,he always give more importance to his frnds and family.i think when he want sum entertainment than he call me.he always talk abt marriage but i think he dont mean it we always fight.we dont like eachother,i dont think we will be a successful couple.when he called me we start fighting n i felt bore when he dont call me i start missing him.so plzzz tell me we should marry or not?
ezra
On November 27, 2008 at 12:46 pm
wow! i never knew many people feel the same way as i do.
so, i’ve been dating my boyfriend for over four and a half years. i love him and we are each others best friends. but now i feel like i am not in love with him..
we have different priorities and goals in life that makes our relationship hard =(
i think i want to break up with him, & stay best friends.
but i know it will be diffucult, but i think that is the best way. right now, im just sick and tired of it all..
Carrie
On November 29, 2008 at 11:33 pm
My boyfriend and I moved in together 5 months ago, after 1 year of dating. I feel like I’m always nagging him. I feel like he has no motive. He jumps from job to job. He’s 10 years older than me. I fear he can’t support a family if we were to have one. I feel completely materialistic, self-absorbed, but I feel like I should reconsider how serious I am because he doesn’t live a stable lifestyle. He treats me well, compliments me, loves me – likely more than I love him (terrible as it is to say). I think we were just never meant to move forward. Or maybe I’m just not letting him be himself. But what am I supposed to do? I want a good future and I don’t think he can pull his weight in making it great. When I confront him about his lack of ability to keep his job, he’s always the victim. When I confront him about ANYTHING, he’s the victim and I’m always the bad guy. He is very vulnerable and comes from a very broken upbringing. I come from a very strong stable upbringing. He has grown so attached to me, but I don’t feel that it’s mutual. I am so afraid to break up with him. I know he is going to be destroyed. We have 2 cats together that he loves, he basically only has me to turn to everyday. I don’t want to destroy his world but I also don’t know if I can BE his world anymore!
Krista
On December 6, 2008 at 3:01 pm
I am breaking up with my boyfriend on Monday I am kind of scared because we have been goin out a while but he only talks to me in 3rd prd. even and band but this article helped me and I am starting to have feelings for this other guy. I hope that I don’t upset him too much!
Gerlaine
On December 8, 2008 at 11:47 am
Michelle,
You started this relationship off very need based. Not because you were in love, but because he needed a place to stay. It is no wonder that he is using the ‘might as well be dead line.’ Quite simply “he needs you.”
Early on, you needed to be needed. We can say that your ‘mother gene.’ kicked in. Well, 10 years is a long time. Like any mother, you hope that your child grows up and when he doesn’t, fights occur.
You must decide whether to keep raising your man or trying to establish a true relationship with him. If neither of these is appealing, then follow the instructions outlined above.
Gerlaine
On December 8, 2008 at 11:49 am
Pari,
I have two words. Marriage Counseling.
~Gerlaine
Gerlaine
On December 8, 2008 at 11:56 am
Carrie,
You will not destroy his world by leaving. You know what you want to do just be strong enough to do it. Of course he will be hurt. That is a part of rejection.
When you have a man who is a victim. It is hard to see him as a MAN. Men are strong and victims are weak. Love you or not. How can you remain with a man that you do not respect?
Follow the instructions above without fear. It will all be over soon.
Torn
On December 14, 2008 at 10:29 pm
My boyfriend and i have been together for over two years… i love him so much and he is my best friend as well as my boyfriend. I am Freshman in College and i am torn right now. Lately i have been thinking about the fact that this is my first serious relationship, i love my boyfriend but i find myself wanting to “take a break” to make sure that this is true.. lasting love. i feel like if we take a break and we miss each other so much, that that will be a sign that we are meant to be together and if we end up just staying friends than that would have to be how it is. The thing i worry about is hurting him. I care about him so much that it kills me to think that i will be causing him pain. i am also worried that if i do bring up this idea to him that he will never forgive me and wont even want to be my best friend anymore. i couldn’t handle that… Please help me i am so torn
Gerlaine
On December 16, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Dear Torn,
This is a time in your life where you are getting to know who you are. “Taking a break” is a easy thing to do.
Here is my advice. Ask yourself why you are breaking up with him. Then ask yourself, do you want to be with someone else. Ask yourself, do you want to be single. Ask yourself, what will make you happy. The last question may take a long time to answer. I don’t mean hours, but months. Maybe even years. Along the journey that these questions will take you on. You will discover your answer to staying or leaving. And maybe even find out a little bit more about you.
As for your boyfriend. If you break up with him (and he loves you) then there is no way that he won’t be hurt. Rejection hurts. You will have to let him handle that, if that becomes your decision. I guarantee you that if he is not hurt about breaking up, then there was no love in the first place.
Pari
On December 17, 2008 at 2:16 am
But i’m not married,his my bf he loves me alot but he start abusing during fighting which he never done before.m also become little arrogant.
AAA
On December 20, 2008 at 11:48 pm
I need to break up with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years but I’m not sure how to break up kindly. He is a nice person, just not the right one for me. We started dating when I was in high school and did the long distance thing for four years of college. The last semester at school just was not the same. For the first time ever, I prefered spending time with my roommates than talking to him on the phone. With time, our relationship has lost all passion and desire. Ny boyfriend is not kind anymore, and seems unable to meet my needs, be it physical or emotional. He is not supportive of me anymore, and I know things need to end. It is really difficult to do so because there is not just ONE serious issue. There are many small things that I just can not imagine dealing with any longer. I can not go on unhappily in this relationship. It is not fair to waste either of our time any longer. I just don’t know the best way to break up without totally devastating him. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
venus
On December 25, 2008 at 5:34 am
I’m in a confused state right now of whether I should break up with my boyfriend or not. We are currently in good terms but we’ve been through 11 mos. of misunderstanding and quarrels. I’ve given up so much for him because I love him. He asked me to change some of my habits and attitudes and even the way I dress, I did it to because I know that it would make him happy. Although I didn’t have any problems with it because I knew that it would make our relationship better. I just get sad when he can’t do the little things i ask him to and when he repeats the same things that makes me angry and sad. I don’t know how to feel anymore because I really get affected when these things happen. I know that it may be just petty stuffs, but I really don’t know how to deal with it anymore. He keeps on telling me that he won’t do it anymore, but it still happens and all he says is “sorry”. He doesn’t even do anything to make me feel better. I’m just so tired of it. I know that you might see this as pathetic, but I always consider his feelings in the things that I would do before I do them. Sad thing is, I don’t think he does. I’m confused if I should still stay and try to work things out or if I should just walk away.
I need help and advice on what I should really do….
Alyssa
On January 3, 2009 at 6:09 pm
I am with a great guy right now this is the first relationship I’ve been in that we don’t fight all the time and he respects the fact that I need my space to be with friends, but despite all of those facts I’m still not happy. He went to visit his family over the holidays so we didn’t see each other for 3 weeks and at first everything was fine no big deal, but the more we were apart I began to think that maybe I really wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be with him. Well after the 3 weeks we met up for drinks and everything was really awkward and nothing like it was before. We decided to spend new years together instead of me going out of town with my friends and it turns out his brother and cousin came with us and we were at his friends house and everytime my boyfriend would leave the room his cousin would start flirting with me, and I have to be honest as soon as we met I was totally attracted to his cousin. By the end of the night I was convinced of his feelings for me and I knew that I could see myself dating him. We’ve hung out since then and there is a connection with him that I have never felt with my current boyfriend. Now that I have felt the connection I’m more than convinced that I should break up with my boyfriend and I know it’s going to hurt him because he does care about me a lot. Is there a way I can break up with him and pursue his cousin without people getting deeply hurt and upset?
Anything you can provide on this situation would be greatly helpful I’m completely lost. Thanks!
curlyred
On February 19, 2009 at 6:33 pm
I have been with the most wonderful man for a year and half. Our families love each other. On paper, it is perfect. About seven months ago he just quit have any sex drive what so ever. I’ve tried everything – lingerie, putting on the moves, talking, cuddling, etc. He has zero interest. He says he is just under a lot of stress and if I really loved him i would just wait for him to get better. He has been promising to go to the doctor for three months now, but still hasn’t gone. He is truly a great guy, but we don’t even kiss anymore. I know sex shouldn’t be the basis of a relationship, but i miss the intimacy and other things that come along with it. I feel like i am falling out of love with him. What to do?
T-Bone
On February 20, 2009 at 2:58 pm
I have been dating Sam for almost a month now and I am already thinking of breaking up with him. The odd thing is…he has done nothing wrong…he is one of the sweetest guys I’ve come across, but I guess to put it simply I’m losing interest. I’m overanalyzing his every move…trying to find something wrong with him. I don’t know what to do…I don’t want to hurt him, but I just…don’t feel the connection with him…ya know?
kandy
On February 25, 2009 at 1:43 pm
I have been with my bf for 2yrs, living with him for 1and half years, we have four kids 2 his 2 mine, his brother is 43 yrs old and lives with us as well, he moved in the same time i did. I feel like they are more a couple then we are. I cook clean, and do all the house stuff and work on weekends, he works through the week, now him and his brother work together and at home thats all thats said is those two talking work. We also have very different opinions about raising our children, im feeling like ending it i dont feel it will everf work out especially with the brother always being there. He (bf) does no extra around house he thinks he worked hes done, i do ething at house and go to work and still do for everyone on the weekend, I feel i am being taken advantage of. Also its been 4mths since we have had sex,he shows no interest so i have stopped trying and we have no privacy ever at home, i feel i want out and cant bring myself to talk to him. HELP
Gerlaine
On March 5, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Pari,
I am sorry, my life took me away from the web for so long. If you are not married. I totally recommend walking away if there is abuse. If it is hard, get the help of friends, family or a local womens abuse association.
I do hope you have already left by now.
I have my own site now! http://www.gerlaine.com
and email @ thewriter@gerlaine.com.
Gerlaine
On March 5, 2009 at 7:23 pm
AAA,
Honesty is the best policy. There will be no kind way to reject someone.
Gerlaine
On March 5, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Venus,
It has been a long time since you wrote those words. If I’m not mistaken you wrote them on Christmas. My advice to you is to take some time out for yourself and do some stuff that Venus wants to do.
Let that breath of air refresh you, then you make fresh decisions on your relationship once you have gotten that fresh air.
Gerlaine
On March 5, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Ezra,
It seems that I have missed replying to your comment in the midst of things.
If you don’t love a person anymore. It is only fair to you and them to call it quits.
Gerlaine
On March 5, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Alyssa,
You are not alone. Many people, myself included, have found great guys that we were not at all interested in. Or at some time, we lost interest in.
I bet it was a nice change of pace to be with someone that you got along with. That can make you stick to a person like glue when you first get with them. Because of the newness of the delight, you think “This is great!” In reality, he is a bounce back.
It seems you have already moved on, since you dated his cousin already. I hope you let your boyfriend know. I wish you the best.
Gerlaine
On March 5, 2009 at 7:39 pm
CurlyRed,
You need to seek a counselor in your area. Face to face talk about what you’re going through is best. This is no situation that I can help with from such a short letter.
You can also write to me @ thewriter@gerlaine.com.
All the best.
Gerlaine
On March 5, 2009 at 7:45 pm
T-bone,
A connection is important. I feel something a bit different in your words. Do you often sabotage relationships? That is what I feel coming from your short paragraph. You are trying to sabotage nothing.
If your relationship lacks intrigue and passion. I would suggest the Kama Sutra or going on a trip a few cities away. Enough to see some new background and go on a small adventure together. I don’t think you need a new boyfriend, but a bit of creativity in your relationship.
That’s my piece.
Gerlaine
On March 5, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Kandy,
Put your foot down. Set some rules. This will take time and strategy.
Contact me @ thewriter@gerlaine.com
Gerlaine
On March 5, 2009 at 7:52 pm
I’ll be sure to post this at the bottom of my advice articles from now on. I will not answer anymore questions on this post.
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Desperate for it to be over
On March 18, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I’m 13 and have been going out with this guy for about 3 weeks. He’s so nice, but not the one for me. I want to break-up, but I just can’t! Some help please.
Desperate for it to be over
Hallie
On April 5, 2009 at 2:48 pm
hey ok well i’ve been going out with my boyfriend for 5 months now and im only 15. He tells me he loves me all the time and i have said it back. I used to think i ment it but now i dont think i do, i havent told him i loved him in a couple days but he still says he loves me. We have done stuff together but not sex and i dont know what will happen if we do break up. I would rather him break up with me because he has told me before that he would probably cry if i broke up with him, and i dont want to hurt him like that.
Marie
On April 20, 2009 at 12:46 am
I have been with my partner for 2 years now and he is my first love. He is such a nice guy, but I feel that things aren’t going right for us and we are falling off track. I have tried talking to him and nothing had changed until we had our last argument and I mentioned it would probably be best if we broke up. He has changed his ways like this before and it only lasted a few weeks. Now he is changing, but it is getting to the point where I just don’t care anymore and every little thing he does is getting on my nerves. I just feel like I haven’t got out there to see if he is the right one or not. He truly is a good guy but I never get to hang out with my friends and he is quite insecure. I’m not sure on what I should do as far as breaking up goes. I just really don’t want to hurt him.
Jenna
On April 21, 2009 at 9:13 pm
I am in a horrible situation at the moment. I have been with my bf for 3 1/2 years and for the first 2 years i couldnt get ebough of him, he was my world and i loved spending time with him. I have some bad history with my ex bf, where i cheated on him. I was honest with my current bf and told him about what i had done, but im starting to this it was a bad idea! I cant leave the house without him saying that im going off to “Cheat” on him or visit another guy. Its putting heavy starin on our relationship and i am sick of it! He is also quite violent, i have had to call the police on him after he stated yelling and throwing stuff at me while i was in bed. He has a violent streak in him, and somtimes i get quite scared.
He says he loves me, and that its my fault that hes the way he is. I have been loyal to him, but he never belives me.
I want to get out of there, but we have been living together for so long that moving out would be really hard.
Should i just pack my stuff and leave while hes at work one day? or do we try and sort things out? Is it worth sorting it out..im so lost
HELP!!
magy
On April 27, 2009 at 8:19 am
Wow!Thanks so much for such inspiring infomation.Atleast i dont have to feel guilty of what iam about to do.Now i know that my happiness has to come first and its upon me to do it.Now i know i dont need to depend on anyone inorder for me to survive.i’m just luving my life right now because i’ve made the best decision i’ve ever made in ages.
Michelle
On May 4, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Hi. I know what I have to tell isn’t a big problem and many of you wont even understand me. Well anyway.. I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. It started off nicely and we both were amazingly in love. He still is, he’s very romantic and caring and loves me very much. I’m the one with the problem. I have feelings for him but I constantly want to cheat. I have cheated once and i hurt him alot but he forgave me.. And now again I want to cheat and I couldn’t live with myself if I wold hurt him again so I thought the right thing to do was to leave him. I could avoid that guy that I like right now but I’m young and I want to see ”what else is out there.” And I don’t know how could I leave him? I’ve tried once but he broke down crying and I thought we could give it a chance, but now I’m regretting it. What should I do?
Temari
On May 4, 2009 at 8:30 pm
I have been so confused for the past 5 months, I have been going out with my boyfriend for around 1 and half years. At first everything was great, the “nothing can go wrong senario” then unfortunaly it took a turn for the worst.It was small simple quarrels at first but then it would got worst later on, one of the biggest problems is our future. We both have different goals in life, and the way we live now are still differnt too. I am eieghteen, I have a job, I am getting a car soon, and I will be going to college next year. Unfortunaly, he does not have a job, car, and he has no clue for his future. When he says he is looking for a job, I find him just playing video games. I have confronted him and asked him about looking for a job, but the situation turns around and I become the bad guy. Then I just start blaming myself….
We both have different views on the world, and religion which does not help one bit. We are very much in love, and I know he loves me but at times I feel like he is becomeing “too close to a friend of ours. I am stuck and I have no clue what to do because I still want to be with him and yet I do not. It would be nice if i could have some help or advice..
Abbie
On May 5, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Im soo confused ive been with my bf for almost 2 1/2 yrs now,he’s my first..i love and care about him very very much.we went through alot throughtout our relationship, ups & downs, arguments..but we always told ourselves that we wanted to make it work..and then we’d argue again, for the smallest stupidest things..its been really hard on us,. but that’s not the problem really, ive always believed wat u had to be true..and then..
ok..my friend that i work with, ive known for almost 2 yrs sent me flowers and confessed that he had feelings for me..because recently we started hanging out and we really seemed to click,.he’s really sweet,kind& carin and likes me alot..i kinda like him as well,Within those 2 yrs he had a crush on me,i didnt know..ive always had a small crush on him as well but i thought it was nothing and it would never surfaced but now that i kinda told him i had a crush on him as well, its makin things more difficult for me..I care for my bf and i dont want to hurt him,but my friend is showing that he really cares for me as well and that i should leave my bf..wat should i do?? I really need some good advice..
Tina
On May 12, 2009 at 8:11 am
I need HELP!! this really nice guy asked me out. I really didn’t know what to say but all my friends told me i should really say yes. when everyone had the same opinion (dat i should say yes) i was kinda forced 2 say yes by all my incesent friends. i really dont like this guy. its been ONE day and already i want 2 break up with him. i cant do the “i just want 2 be friends” trick because A) it hasnt been long enough and B) we dont know eachother well enough 2 actually BE friends. does anyone know a really easy way (or an excuse) 2 break up with him? if so plz say…
Emily
On May 12, 2009 at 8:19 am
In answer to Michelle:
If u dont want 2 hurt your bf but u want 2 cheat all the time u should DEFINITELY break up with him then. that’s the only way u can do both things at the same time. Maybe u just have a fear of commitment? anyhow u just have 2 be brutal. break it 2 him gently but if he starts crying again just comfort him and tell him it will be all right. After he has got through the first of his emotions he will calm down and listen 2 what u have 2 say. After a reasonable amount of time u could try setting him up with one of your more kind and sensitive friends (not critising u or anyting).
OutofLove
On May 25, 2009 at 12:05 am
Im with my boyfriend of two years. He is the most loyal partner you can imagine. he is deeply in love with me. i expect he wouldnt mind marrying me.
at one point in our relationship i felt the same way for him.
but now.. i feel nothing. when i kiss him im honestly bored and think to myself “i hope this dosnt last too long”. every little thing about his personality irks me. when he talks about himself. the stories ive heard a hundred times. his smile. when he tries to be cute.
i do love him and care for him and want him to be happy. but i don’t like him anymore. i could stay friends with him but if i broke up with him i know he couldnt do it.
we have all the same friends. and i think if we broke up most of them would choose him.
i know im going to hurt him. but i dont know how to do it. everyone keeps telling me the same advice “be honest, stand your ground, etc” maybe im just a coward…
Yolanda
On June 4, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Hi i would like to share something with the people that are having trouble with their boyfriend. i have a boyfriend him and i have been going out for 9 years he’s 30yrs old. when ever him and i have a argument we both end up not talking to each other or hang up on each other. he like’s to tell me what to do. other wise he’ll take advange of me. that’s why i would like to break up with him every time i tell him i need to breakup with him he’ll start crying saying “no plaese don’t break up wih me.”
but next time we get into an argument i’ll just ignore him from now on.
Chris
On June 5, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Okay im going out with this girl whos a little older than me and shes really really pretty and kind and sweet.
But she is quite….forward im not ready to go as far as she is.
And ive heard about her finishing boys that refuse to do “stuff” with her…
Im really confused :S
What should i do?
jennieo
On July 5, 2009 at 12:46 am
I have been with my bf for almost 12 years. we have been living together for 3 years. I do love him, but lately every little thing about him drives me nuts. I dont know what to do anymore he wants to be with me all the time. i cant wait till i can be alone. I have no interest in sex with him. he is the only person i have every been with. i was 19 when we started dating. he is so incensitive. i have to file banruptcy and he wants to know if i want to go on a holiday. he tells me he will help me out with a bill, then gets upset with me cause i cant pay him back untilt my next paycheck. my parents offered to let me move back home to help me save some money. he makes me feel guilty for considering it yet, he doesnt want to help. i know its not his responsibility to help. I have never asked him to help. my parents think he is a jerk as he is in a position to help out. technically we are married in the eyes of the law. am i overreacting?
smexi
On July 11, 2009 at 10:46 pm
okay, i’ve been with this guy for about 4 years
he was my first, as was i his
but after we had been together for a few months, he cheated on me and broke up with me
however, he blamed me for the breakup, saying my friends didn’t like him and i didn’t find out he had cheated until we were broken up
then, i started seeing someone else and he flipped out, started calling me every day, crying in the middle of classes, telling me i was his reason for living…etc
then, 3 years later, he breaks up with me telling me he is depressed and doesn’t know why, so he’s getting rid of me
i found out from his best friend that he had been talking to another girl
he still wanted to be friends, and we have been on that ride where one minute you’re friends, then you love each other then you hate each other, yadda yadda yadda
he broke up with his other “friend” but still wasn’t ready to get serious again until he found out i was interested in a guy i work with
i just dont know if my feelings are the same any more, and i would probably have broken it off months ago if he hadn’t been threatening suicide
so that’s why im confused, i dont know if i want to be with him, but he won’t give me space from him without telling me i would be the reason for him to kill himself.
Gerlaine
On July 17, 2009 at 2:48 am
I\\\’ll be sure to post this at the bottom of my advice articles from now on. I will not answer anymore questions on this post.
PAY ATTENTION!
PAY ATTENTION!
PAY ATTENTION!
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erin
On July 18, 2009 at 3:47 pm
great advice – im breaking up with my boyfriend in a few days when my best friend comes home (emotional support)
i was questioning one of my reasons until i read this – among other things, he is HORRIBLY mean to other people but acts like he loves me. sometimes.
peyton
On July 20, 2009 at 2:41 pm
~Thank you for this article. i am determining whether or not i should breakup with my boyfriend of almost 4 months. i’m 15, he’s 14 (15 in september) and were each other’s first relationship.~
~ In the beginning, i loved being with him. i couldnt get enough of the time we spent together. there was a ton of awkwardness but i told myself wed get thru them soon enough. within the last few weeks, he’s been getting very needy and clingy and saying all this stuff like, ‘i cant wait to kiss you again and to cuddle with you.’ i feel really bad, but truthfully im kinda annoyed with all these little comments and i think theyre weird and im turned off by all this.~
~ What should i do? he’s pretty sensitive and i want to break up with him soon, but he’s at the beach til saturday and i dont want to ruin his vacation, but i dont want to keep him thinking that i still want to be in the relationship.~
~ I wont be able to see him in person til after saturday, but i just cant wait that long! please help!!!! ~XOXO~
Ashlyn
On August 6, 2009 at 2:20 am
Hi my boyfriend and I have been together for 4years and right now we are on a break because I told him I need one and all he wants is for me to come back home or sleep there and it’s only been 3 weeks and I am not ready to go back any time soon. I don’t even think I feel the same about him bc when I do see him it’s not the same. One part want to break up cuz I don’t want to lead him on but on the other hand this goin to be the hardest thing I will ever do. I am just not sure how cuz I never broken someone heart before.
gudiya
On August 12, 2009 at 7:50 am
hi … this is gudiya
i want to break up with my bf..
he has many of my sms and photoes…he is warning me that if i end up with me he is going to show it to everyone in our community so that none would marry me…i m in a big problem
pls help me out
Shanda
On August 18, 2009 at 4:32 pm
My name is Shanda. I want to break up with my boyfriend of not quite 5 months. I’m having the absolute hardest time figuring out how to do this because I know how much he cares for me. I care for him too but not enough and I can’t spend the rest of my life pretending that he makes me happy. One huge problem though is that he has already proposed to me once. I said yes only because he said he didn’t want to be with me unless I did say yes and I thought at the time that we had something special enough. He is clingy and needy and never gives me a moment’s peace or privacy. He has to know where I am and what I am doing at all times and he can’t stand when he can’t be there with me. He hates that I have so many male friends and doesn’t like me talking to any of them. He stops by my work everyday and it gets me in trouble. I tried to break up with him once already but before I could even reach that part in our conversation he took control of the situation by having a panic attack and by the time he got over it the strand was lost completely. I’m unhappy and I feel trapped. I care enough about him though that I want to soften the blow as best I can. He has never showed aggression toward me before but he is aggressive and I have seen it. He usually takes it out on doors and cabinets and slams things. I am scared the situation could turn that way if I do it in person. Is a letter a good idea? Leave the ring for him to take and write a letter expressing how I feel? Because he won’t listen to me. He’ll just break down and manipulate the situation again.
rae
On August 31, 2009 at 12:59 am
It’s been two years since he and I first started dating. Two years since he rescued me from what was a decaying relationship with an abusive man. He rode in like a white knight, swept me off my feet, and I fell in love.
Setting the scene, I was a few days short of 18 when I met him at work. The first real geniune guy I had met in a long, long time. I’ve spent my entire childhood being an adult, not wanting it, but actually living it. And it only made sense to continue that style of life. I turned 18, senior year of high school had started, and Dustin and I began dating. He was 23 at the time. With a 2 and a half year old in tow.
I’ve spent my life raising kids, I’m the oldest of five, without a father figure and have always had a hand or two in the raising of my siblings. I’m reliable, dependent, indepentent, a free thinker. I’ve always been the type of person to be motivated, to lend a helping hand. I’m the adult stuck in the body of a child and it’s ok.
Fast foward to graduation, a month or so later I’ve moved out to another city 600 miles away from home and I’ve started my life with this guy. He’s my absolutely everything, still. And we’re perfect for one another. It’s my freshman year in college and I’m balancing maintaining a relationship with family, working full time, 22 credits, and maintaining a home. We had our little apartment, big enough for the two of us and shelter for all of our love.
Suffocation might be a good term, if it was intentional. Isolation is probably another great one. I spent a year of my life in that one bedroom apartment letting our love grown. I was the perfect homemaker, the perfect student, the perfect worker, the perfect girlfriend. And he was my everything.
Within that year I feel as though I digressed as a person.
And it was getting harder to be away from my family. From his daughter, and so we decided to move back home. Only, because of this current economic state, we’re trying to take advantage of the firsttime home buyers credit. This is fine and dandy, but I find myself in a new situation now.
Perhaps it’s being back home, getting the HS job, living in my parents garage for the time being, but I feel so, so, young. So un-adult like. And for the first time in my life, it feels ok. It feels good.
The problem is my boyfriends an old man. Or so it seems. There can be excuses given, poor scheduling, grave yard, fathering his kid, being at my parents house… but the truth of the matter is, we just don’t do anything. And in not doing anything I feel less and less motivated. Less and less happy. Less and less like the person I used to love to be. And at times I feel like it really is all his fault.
My real problem is, I want to be twenty. I want to live and experience things for the first time in my life that other people my age are doing. And I don’t feel like I can with him in tow. I also can’t ask him to put his life on hold so I can do these things.
My mother asked me if I wanted to do these things with him or not, and I really have to think. The answer in my head seems simple, no, I want to go out and be with this new friend I made at work. He’s my own age, and it has that potentional fun and exciting feeling. But then I counter this idea with my own indescivness because I feel like in the end of it all, I’m supposed to end up with Dustin. We’re supposed to be in our 60’s on rocking chairs watching our grandkids play. We’re supposed to buy this house and have everything work out just how it’s been planned. From A to B to Z. Everystep accounted for.
And I’m frustrated because I just want to shake things up! I’m scared to buy this house, even though I just put the bid on it. I’m scared I’m making the wrong move, the right move, the move that will leave me unhappy in the end of it all, but I don’t know what to do.
Do I like this new guy simply because he’s the first person to show interest in two years? Is it the fact that I’m doomed to jump from relationship to relationship looking for that newness factor? I don’t want to throw away a perfectly working relationship to test the waters? But I feel like I have to know.
I’ve tried talking to Dustin, but it doesn’t seem to do much good. I still find myself wanting to talk to this other guy, to see him. And it seems innocent at first, but then when I’m with him I feel like that person I used to be. That person that I miss and love. And I light up. Maybe it’s a starting over point, but how do I take that leap of faith? And more importantly what do I do about Dustin?
Hey sorry I don’t feel the same way anymore, or at least I think I don’t. I don’t want to buy this house with you and I think I’ve fallen for someone else?
Or how about:
Hey I’m uncertain about things, about you, can you put your life on hold so I can go figure me out?
It just doesn’t seem fair. And regardless of which way it goes, someone is going to get hurt.
I’m lost, confused, and 19 again.
Darlene
On November 8, 2009 at 6:33 am
I have never done this before in my life. But I’m at my wits end on what to do. If anyone could give me some advice like I read at the beginning of this post, it would be appreciated. I have been with a guy on and off for 7yrs. I refused to go out with him b/c I thought he didn’t hold his life and social status the same as myself. I am far from being better than anybody,but there are manners and things that you watch yourself on. I have worked hard to have a home, a business, and a payed for car. I have found myself loaning him money over and over again. He has paid me back some of it but he also does things around my house to help me. I’m 42 yrs old and have the best sex with him that I’ve ever had. He is 48 yrs old and doesn’t have a savings account. He rents a 1 bedroom apartment and drives a car that I loaned him money to buy. He loves me so dearly, until he gets drunk sometimes and then he is mean to me. I think it is his insecurities that makes him nasty to me. I know i deserve someone as responsible as me, but how do I let go of a man that loves me desperately. By the way I’m 210 lbs and a hairdresser….heavy but always been pretty(is that wrong to say that about myself?) I’ve been in a battle with this for a long time! HELP! HELP1 HELP1
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