How to Communicate

Communication is a tricky subject. We aren’t taught to communicate effectively. The only thing we’re taught is how to have manners and how to speak. Unfortunately, this doesn’t go real far in the real world of friends, relationships, and dealing with every day people.

The very first thing you need to do is communicate honestly.

Yes, i said honestly. If someone can’t take honesty, they want you to lie to them. How much do you lie? how much to do you hold back. Suddenly, everything is some version of the truth. In the end, this way of communicating will become so bad that there will be lies and half-truths flying all over the place. This is not the way to speak to communicate!

Sometimes it’s difficult to speak the truth. You might be afraid to admit your fears, or you might be afraid to lose your partner. I know you’ve heard it time and again, if they didn’t want honesty – they wouldn’t have asked. No matter what kind of relationship it is – honesty is always the best. 

I know what about the real big questions….Am I fat. Do I look fat in this? 

Before you answer questions like this, look into what they’re actually saying: Am i fat? They’re asking if you think they’re fat. Do i look fat in this? they want to know what you think they look like. Tell them what you think they look like.

We’d love to say that no one argues, but it’s a normal part of a relationship. You were born under different houses with different ideas pushed in your head….there’s going to be disagreements.

Here are the ground rules to arguing:

When you argue -

Use “I messages” in the argument….. I feel bad when you call me names. I don’t like this or that. When you do this you’re not attacking or saying someone is wrong. As soon as someone thinks you said they were wrong, they’re on the defensive and ready to fight.

Listen to each other in the argument….If you’re not listening to what the other person says or means, you will be fighting about what you “think” they’re talking about. Be sure what is being said. Ask questions.

Use “time outs” in the argument….If it’s getting way too heated, it’s time to walk away for a moment. If you’re ready to hit something, tell the person you need a minute. Give a time frame…1 minute, 1 hour, etc. Then at the end of that time begin talking again.

Maintain respect in the argument…Arguing is not a contest to see how much you can hurt the other person. It’s not a contest to be right. Arguing is to sort out a difference in opinion. Be respectful. Treat the other person and their past with respect.

Talk when you both calm down in an argument….When you’re yelling, you can’t speak rationally. Try to yell a compliment at someone…it’s really really difficult. That’s because yelling puts your mind in a attack mode. When you’re calm, you’re actually thinking.

Work on one issue at a time in an argument….If there are a lot of issues or a lot of things you disagree with, don’t try to talk about all of them. If there is a flood in your house, you will only be able to take out one bit at a time. This is the same with a disagreement. You can’t expect to solve problems when the problems are all being thrown at you like an avalanche.

Settling all disagreements might take some time. But when you follow these, no one is hurt and everyone is still in tact.