How to Deal with a Bad Break Up

I am writing from the perspective of a guy, which means to say that it includes all the burdens that comes with being an XY chromosome holder (i.e. inability to talk about emotional topics, male ego, male pride etc) Over the years I’ve been through a fair number of break ups. It sucks each and everytime. But somehow the time taken for me to get out of the rut gets shorter and shorter. I think its an age thing, as you grow older you’ll start to realise the things that you can change and the things that you can’t. And you just begin to accept the way things are, rather than how it should be.

Each day that passed felt like a curse. It was a very confusing time for me. At that young age, I couldn’t speak to anyone of my problems cause I thought it was ‘un-manly’ to do. (Stupid, I know.) Talking to parents, peers and even counsellors felt like a losing proposition cos I felt that it did an injustice towards the idea of the relationship. (I actually felt like I was betraying the relationship even though it was over. In a deluded sense, I was defending the failed relationship cos I felt that I didn’t want to be disloyal towards the relationship.)

The first serious relationship ended in a mutual break-up which left me with a wound so deep it created an emotional scar on my psyche. I withdrew into myself and became a very bitter person. I closed myself off from the world and focussed on getting by.

Fortunately for me, things got better the moment I left school and did a couple of life-affirming projects that left me free to decide what my life should mean and where it should go.

Much, much later on I discovered an online resource (coping.org) that covers all the major points that would help you free yourself from the shackles of emotional meltdown.

Break-ups are a bit like Death. Its a process called Loss. You’ve lost that person. Nothing you can do or beg or connive will make it the same. There are processes that you have to and will go through – Anger, Denial, Bargaining and finally Acceptance. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be in that order. Its a hodge podge of conflicting emotions which can be very vexing.

The trick to coping is to take control over how you feel.

Do something that would signify you taking charge over how you feel about yourself and the situation.

Arm yourself with knowledge on the emotional tools, switches and helpful tips that you can use to disarm the feelings that rob you of your sense of self-worth.

Take away the power that you gave to your partner. Kick him or her off the pedestal you’ve placed under them.

In psychological jargon, this process is called ‘returning the locus of control from the external to the internal’.

I hope this article has been of use to you. Life is very precious. Tolstoy in “War and Peace” posits that the purpose of Life is Life itself. Its a messy, random affair but we owe it to ourselves to make the best of what little we have and someday perhaps, we’ll find that someone that we can share the story of this part of the journey with.