How to Express Your Feelings Without Starting a Fight
by Too often, in the heat of an argument, we resort to blame, a blame that is inherent and common in our language. Here’s a way to recognize it, and a useful tool to turn a blaming expression around so that others won’t feel defensive.
It is undeniable that in our daily lives, feelings arise in response to our conversations with others. In some cases, the feelings are benign: such as the irritation when a cafe barista makes your mocha differently than you ordered it. But the bigger the stakes, the bigger the wheel of response: our family members, our friends, our spouses sometimes seem to have an uncanny ability to say just the wrong thing at the wrong time that causes us to feel angry, or jealous, or afraid. Unfortunately, we sometimes respond to these feelings in ways that are counterproductive, or even damaging. There are ways of communicating that can reduce these damaging effects and produce more sincere conversations that don’t end up in fights or resentment. The one I would like to focus on today is blaming.
I think that most people would agree that blaming is a negative quality that would hurt relationships, and they try to avoid it. The kind of blaming that I am speaking of is subtle and sneaky: so much so, that we don’t even notice it, and even consider it “normal.” Consider this example: your partner does something that always irritates you to no end, and what comes out? “That really pisses me off,” or “You make me so angry when you do that…” The problem with these expressions is that they are fundamentally not true, and they assign a level of responsibility that creates defensive positioning on the other side. Why are they not true? Because nobody ever makes you do or feel anything. You do it all on your own, and the sooner you take 100% responsibility for your feelings, the more effectively you’ll be able to communicate when things get heated.
“So what’s an alternative?”, you may ask, “ignoring the problem and stifling my emotion?” Not at all. The cornerstone of relationship is communication, and feelings are important. It is crucial that we understand what is going on with each other if there is to be dialogue. What is needed is a more effective means of expression. To escape the application of blame (and the typically resulting defensiveness) while taking full responsibility for a feeling, the previous examples would sound more like this:
“When that happened, I felt angry.” Or: “When you do that, I feel angry.”
Do you see the difference? We are no longer saying the other person makes us feel one way or the other. The feeling is present (in this case, anger), and the situation is a as being concurrent with the feeling, but without causality implied. What this does is free up the other person to be able to choose to accept responsibility or not. If they do, this is true healing communication. And even if they don’t, at least you know where you stand: does this person care how I feel? How important is that? Now we’re getting to real underlying issues that merit further, deeper discussion.
The hardest thing about a communication tool such as this is remembering when to use it. And it’s never too late: when an argument has gone sour, change tactics and try this way of no blame. It can speed the recovery from aggressive and damaging encounters and promote real understanding. Good luck!
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