How to Fight

by Jo Heal in Relationships, September 5, 2007

Being misunderstood is one of the worst feelings in the world. Backing down for the sake of peace only to feel used is another that sticks in the craw.

When people don’t listen I understand what Archie Bunker meant when he said “ the trouble with you Edith is that I’m talking in English but you are listening in dingbat.”

NEVER:

Drag up things that happened in the past. Stay in the present.
Respond to a complaint or criticism with one of your own. Insult ping-pong is childish.
Hit below the belt to wound deliberately
Expect the other person to know how you are feeling or what you are thinking
Generalise – saying “you always…” or “I never…”
Assume you know how he is feeling and what he is thinking
Indulge in the silent treatment or walk away (unless briefly and just to cool down, in which case say something like “I’m just going for a walk to clear my head, I’ll be ten minutes then I will be ready to help resolve this.).
Give ultimatums
Hold on to the need to be right – even when you are beginning to suspect you may be wrong or that you are both to blame
Accuse by using “you” i.e. “You are a selfish pig, you knew I would worry.” Rather, for true understanding use “I” “I was really worried about you when you were late.”

ALWAYS:

Deal with the issue causing the most heartache first. If you build up agreement on that one the others will fall into place more easily.
Be honest and don’t beat about the bush. Quite often we go round and round a subject we feel sensitive about instead of diving into the heart of it.
Explore your feelings and needs and in return, your partner’s
Care for your partner’s feelings and expect the same in return
Look for win-win solutions – they are there
Discuss your differences with an attitude towards discovery
Remember, the object is to really understand each other in order to resolve the problem(s) and grow closer. Always work towards that goal and enlist your partner to do so too.

A friend and her husband used to have acrimonious, violent and damaging arguments until they drew up a charter based on these rules. When they felt an argument coming on they’d get out a bell which one or other would ring to draw attention to the fact that they were getting away from constructive discussion and heading towards mud-throwing. It worked and after 22 years they are still together.

As my Grandmother used to say “play nicely in the sandpit children.”