How to Have Great Relationships: Part One

Compete To Be The Most Loving:  Most people are starving for enough love in their life, and this has created deep psychological wounds and fears (fears of deprivation and loss).  Think of giving love as feeding a starving human soul, it is a beautiful thing to do and costs you nothing. So compete to be the most loving. My wife and I do this all the time, it is a core part of our marriage. When she tells me she loves me 10 times a day, I tell her 12 times a day. If she gives me a 10 minute backrub, I try to give her a 12 minute backrub. If she cooks me wonderful meals at home (as she often does), I bring her some flowers and hugs. By competing to give the most love, instead of manipulating to get love, we all win. How can you be more generous in showing your love to create a cycle of positive giving back and forth?  ”Give that which you wish to receive,” is the nature of this law/tool/strategy.

Don’t Fight. Every time you fight, you create a counterforce. If you attack the other person, they attack back, don’t they? This creates a cycle where both parties find themselves exhausted and wounded on the battlefield. Much is destroyed, so the even the “winner” (if there is one) has precious little “spoils of war” to claim for their efforts. In most battles, you typically end up with two people who are badly hurt, and we call the person who is the least damaged the “winner.” All I see is two people who lost for no good reason. There is an old expression which simply states “We never win an argument, only agreements.” Whenever possible, don’t fight. Let the other person’s anger fade and subside. Standby ready to heal them with your love and understanding, 9 out of 10 times they will thank you and respect you for it.

Fight Only When Forced – Fight Only To Win. Right now you’re thinking, “Paul, I thought you just told us to never fight? What happened?” Well, there are times in life where the other person will force you to fight, or they will try to use your passiveness to control you. Occasionally you will need to fight, and you must be sure to win soundly. As I said, a battle will cost you greatly, so your victory must be complete. It must also be designed to serve you both over time.

My wife used to get angry with me occasionally, for offenses real or imagined, and would give me the silent treatment and withdraw affection. When I would try to use sweetness and love to win her over, it worked out that I was actually teaching her that the silent treatment was a great way to manipulate me and get her way. As a therapist, I picked up on this fairly quickly and I knew that I need to shift tactics, as this was hurting the marriage for both of us. I decided that if I had “trained” her to use this strategy, that I could “re-train” her to stop using it. I announced that this behavior was not fair, not productive  and would no longer be tolerated ever again. The very next time she gave me the silent treatment, I was ready and eager to outdo her. She snobbed me for 2 days, I then didn’t speak to her for an additional 2 days. By this time she caved, said the whole thing was stupid, and I rewarded her by showering her with affection. She still tried this “snobbing” strategy a couple more times, and I simply punished her the same way for doing it and rewarded her for stopping as I had done before. Since then, I no longer have this problem and we are both happier and closer for it. Remember, my goal was not to “beat” her, or control her, it was to do whatever was necessary to benefit our marriage. The long term benefits have greatly outweighed the short term struggles I endured. We must know when to bend, and when to stand strong, this is wisdom.