How to Resolve Conflicts and How to Agree to Disagree

Conflict is Inherent in Human Relationships

Conflict is natural in any relationship, yet many of us dread dealing with it. But not dealing with conflicts builds a back log of negative experiences, which simmers under the surface and erupts at an unguarded moment. The best way to deal with conflicts is to learn how to manage and finally, resolve it. And where does the conflict come from? From differing and diverging viewpoints of others. You cannot dismiss others views, you have to respect them—after all, different views are the spice of life.

But why do we want to avoid conflict? Because when conflict arises, we feel attacked, and a fight-or-flight stress response is triggered in us. We prepare to defend ourselves against the attack. 

Conflict Creates Anger

The first reaction that conflict invokes in us is anger. Anger makes us momentarily insane, driving us to say or act in a manner we may never do in a calm moment. Some people yell, shout, swear, hit, abuse,  rant, rave, or call people names when they’re upset. Stress hormones flood the body and cause the rational part of the brain to shut down, and the irrational part to take over.

Anger exaggerates our negative emotions, while doing nothing to bring out any positive feelings we had shared all along. This can screw in the last nail into the wedge that splits the relationship.

But if we practice healthy debate without personalizing the issue or sticking stubbornly to one’s own point of view, and deal with stressful situations dispassionately and objectively, we can defuse the worst of explosive situations.

Acknowledging and Working Through The Anger

People used to emotional outbursts can overwhelm and shush their partners into a seething inner turmoil and unexpressed anger. Such denial of expression of inner anger and frustrations does not resolve the conflict but escalates it further. Conflicts with aggressive people makes the partners feeling perpetually victimized, pushing them into passive aggressive mode. Being forced into passivity, they manipulate their angry partners into guilt. The partners thus feed into each other’s insecurities.

The cause for conflict is muddled in this case. You may have to reflect and analyze the underlying emotions, or consult the help of psycho-analysts.

How To Express Grievances

• Focus on the current situation and facts. Do not dig into the past, unless very pertinent to the matter on hand. Talking about past hurts only clouds the current issue, and alienates your partner further.

  Use “I” Messages. Rather than saying things like, “You did this,” begin statements with “I”, and make them about yourself and your feelings, like, “I feel frustrated when this happens.” It’s less accusatory, sparks less defensiveness, and helps the other person understand your point of view rather than feeling attacked.

• Know Your Boundaries. If you ever practised this seriously, conflicts would be eliminated/minimized. We often expect others to agree with/subscribe to our point of view because we are the husbands/wives/well wishers/friends, so we have every right to impose our judgements. Such high-handed imposition of views have no place in a healthy relationships. Protecting your partner’s self esteem is important at all points, even during the stormiest discussions.

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