How to Screw Up a Marriage in Less Than Two Years

Attain a level of zero self esteem

In order to get to such a level quickly, it’s interesting to have shaky confidence in yourself at the very outset.  That way, every time your husband ignores your smallest request, or pushes you away because he is not interested in your ideas, your problems or your feelings, your frustration continues to grow with the unfairness of it all.  This will also assure that the optimism that had been lurking in the corner is beaten back down to a normal level of defeat.

Maintain, and if possible, increase your bad habits

This point can be instrumental to the achievement of your objective.  If you don’t already master drinking and smoking, these skills can be easily assimilated.  However, someone who is not used to drinking a half bottle of wine or more every day might have to deal with secondary effects like headaches or hangovers,or in an extreme case, vomiting.

In addition, there are some financial elements to consider, because wine and cigarettes are expensive these days.  You will be enlightened each time he refuses to share his smokes or calls you a drunk.

Some caution needs to be exercised here.  You mustn’t believe that just because your husband seemed to accept these aspects of you at the beginning of your experience (13 years before the marriage) that he will not throw them in your face just as he did before you were married.  Indeed, just because he encouraged you to drink during those first months of passion, making sure there was always champagne on hand, you cannot assume he will be open to the idea any time there is conflict between you. 

.This particular point cannot be neglected when you are angry.  It will help the easy flow of devastating feelings and showers of tears, in much the same way it helps to loosen inhabitions and feelings of passion in those few occasions when he actually wants to touch you.

It is also helpful to ponder why in the hell he married you in the first place if he couldn’t accept your flaws.

In fact, having a full glass of wine on hand at all occasions is very useful when you need something to throw against a wall.  Of course, you must make sure you have time thereafter to clean up the mess.  This activity will boost your level of self hatred and hopelessness in addition.   Every shard of glass you find in corners for the next few days will help to remind you what an asshole you are.  If this doesn’t do the trick, just go find your husband, and ask him if he would consider holding you in his arms.  His habitual refusal will certainly garantee the desired effect.