How to Spot a D-bag (A Handy Guide for Avoiding a Bad Relationship)

5. All his exes thinks he’s vile.

You know, on your resume, how you have an employment history that tells people that you are qualified to do a certain job? Well, a guy’s exes are his resume. How he treated them is a clear indication on how he’ll treat you. If you think you’ll change him, or that he’s already changed, you might be kidding yourself. If the majority of his exes have a restraining order against your knight in shiny armor, than he ain’t no knight, he’s a fool. With loads of issues. 

6. He has no plans for anything.

I’m not talking about for Friday night. If your man has no focus and isn’t even asking for direction, it’s because his terrible life is just fine with him. If you stick around with that kind of guy, you’ll be the best thing going for him, and the only thing going for him. Good luck trying to get that guy to help out with bills, taking care of the many kids you’ll have or anything substantial. That’s what’s called “Disappointment” and you’ll have to get used to it, honey.

7. He’s overbearingly macho.

I like the kind of guy who’ll take out the glue trap with the still wriggling mouse on it (EWWWW!). I can’t stand that guy who is so puffed up with his own version of manliness that he takes every opportunity to show it. We get it, you have a penis. You don’t have to act like one. 

8. He’s not nice to others.

One of my friends once told me that when she’s on a first date with a guy, if he’s rude to the waitstaff, that would be their last date. She explained thus:

“Someone who is rude to someone just because of their job is an elitist a*****e.”

Right on, sister.

9. His family can’t stand him.

I once had a sister of a guy that I was dating tell me that he’s a bum and can’t see anyone giving her brother the time of day. 

She was right. Families are the best indicator if a guy is worthy. If his own mother thinks he’s a D-bag…damn.

10. He’s way into you way too soon.

How can this be an indicator of a D-bag boyfriend? Let me break it down.

Everyone gets nervous when they go out with someone new; both men and women. A normal person doesn’t let everything hang out on the first day for fear of scaring away someone. For instance, do you start talking about your biological clock on your first date…and your plan to have at least 8 kids? Hell no! You save that until at least the 2nd date! I kid…

I guy that is into you too fast, too soon (like in the first 1 hour of the date) is someone who knows he has a truncated timetable; he has to get you to like him before you realize how big of a jerk he really is. He lays it on real thick, he compliments you, calls you loads of times, professes love after a couple days. Beware this psycho  D-bag. If you get involved with him, you’ll be saying a couple of months down the line, “but he was so nice in the beginning!”

I hope, ladies, that you take these words to heart. Love ain’t easy, by a long shot. We have all grown up with our fantasies about love and relationships (thanks alot, Disney!), but the reality is much different. Just as you aren’t perfect, you can’t expect others to be perfect. You can’t hope that the love of a man, any man, will make you complete or give you self-worth. Nothing is that easy. What makes it worse is when you suspend your good judgment for a warm body next to you. If you believe that’s all that’s out there, you’re wrong. You don’t have to settle for some D-bag…unless you think that all you deserve. If you want better, set a standard, and don’t compromise on it. You’ll be happier for it.