How to Spot an Abuser on the First Date
by The warning signs are there. So if you hook up with an abuser, it’s your own fault.
Here’s a list of warning signs to help potential victims avoid getting into relationships with psychologically damaged abusers.
Let’s assume an abusive person has asked you out on a first date. Abusive people will do their very best to mask their true character, but the following tell-tale signs appear.
1. Condescending or haughty body language. The abuser adopts a physical posture which implies and exudes an air of superiority. He or she will probably lead you to the table and then sit in the best chair in the restaurant, making you face the wall.
2. The need for special treatment. Abusive people are impatient and don’t like waiting in line or being interrupted. They’re also the type that insists on speaking directly with authority figures. For example, when an abuser arrives at his or her new job, he or she will immediately ask for special payment terms and seek other privileges in the workplace.
3. Defensiveness – Abusers have a tendency to shift responsibility to others, or to the world at large. They blame all their failures and mishaps on other people. Should you become unfortunate enough to find yourself in a relationship with this person, you will eventually become the primary reason for his or her failure in life.
4. Impatience with the waiter. While dining out on that first date the abuser will probably monopolize the hostess and try and program the waiter’s every move. If restricted in this endeavor he’ll react with rage and indignity. He can’t imagine being treated the same as everyone else, whom he deems inferior. Abusers frequently and embarrassingly “dress down” service providers.
5. Compulsive desire to belong to the club. Abusers will latch onto celebrities at a party and will probably give security a hard time. They want to say, “Don’t you know who I am?” but will instead proceed to tell these people who they are, and they’ll draw upon a carefully crafted false autobiography. Take note of how often your date peppers his or her speech with the words “I”, “my”, “myself”, and “mine”.
6. Impatience, unless and until he or she is the topic of discussion. Abusers are dead serious about themselves. He or she may possess a fabulous sense of humor, scathing and cynical, but rarely is he or she self-deprecating. The abuser regards himself or herself as being on a constant mission, whose importance is cosmic and whose consequences are global. If a scientist, she will always be in the throes of revolutionizing science. If a journalist, he’s in the middle of the greatest story ever. If an aspiring businessman, he is just about to close the deal of the century.
DO NOT TRY AND HELP THEM! Heed this warning, spot these obvious signs, and run away as fast as you can!
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Post Commentpoet
On July 28, 2007 at 5:42 pm
you said
“For example, when an abuser arrives at his or her new job, he or she will immediately ask for special payment terms and seek other privileges in the workplace.”
being one to negotiate your own payment plan to make sure it is fair doesn’t make some one an abuser
you also stated as an “obvious sign” of an abuser
“Compulsive desire to belong to the club. Abusers will latch onto celebrities at a party and will probably give security a hard time. They want to say, “Don’t you know who I am?” but will instead proceed to tell these people who they are, and they’ll draw upon a carefully crafted false autobiography. Take note of how often your date peppers his or her speech with the words “I”, “my”, “myself”, and “mine”.
Does this mean that all fans who fib their way into a club for a celebrities autograph are abusers? every teenager is guilty of doing that or something drastically similar on occasion and wanting to belong,
this does not automatically mean they are abusers
and finally you stated “If a scientist, she will always be in the throes of revolutionizing science. If a journalist, he’s in the middle of the greatest story ever. If an aspiring businessman, he is just about to close the deal of the century”
being a driven person is in no way an “obvious sign” of an abuser,by making that statement you imply that all people at some point in life are abusers since we all have things we are driven about.
some of your points were good, I liked the article generally, but some of your “obvious signs” are simply stereotyping
overcoming abuse
On July 28, 2007 at 6:06 pm
abusers come in all shapes and sizes, while there may be SOME classic signs, abusers are all different from each other in some degree, and some are excellent chameleons. Ted Bundy was a serial killer and nobody knew till it was too late.
To say “The warning signs are there. So if you hook up with an abuser, it’s your own fault.” is blaming the victim unjustly, the warning signs may NOT come out right away so no,it is not the fault of the abuse victim
try to be a little more feeling the next time you want to write something helpful to others
Thank you
just a thought
On August 9, 2007 at 8:48 pm
there are no direct signs of abuse. i understand u were tryin to help, the article was good.just a little hypocritical
Rhiannon Wilkinson
On September 25, 2009 at 12:56 am
The one and only thing people need to watch out for when it comes to a classic abuser is this:
Abusers will always, 100% of the time, give you their well rehearsed sob story about how people have mistreated them all of their lives, and how they are terribly misunderstood, etc.
An abuser will do this so you will let your guard down, and feel compassion for them. Then, they gradually start dosing out abuse little by little, in such tiny amounts that you hardly even notice. And because they had such a god awful childhood, bad relationships with others (which was never their fault) etc, then you will find yourself making excuses for their behavior.
The longer the relationship lasts, the better the sex, and the extreme highs and lows you experience being with the person will then start to feel like an addiction. When this happens, the abuser subconsciously knows that they have you under control and no longer try to seduce or charm you. That is when their real character shows.
The key is always to remember never, ever, ever feel sorry for a person you are dating, and start a relationship with them based out of pity. That is one of the most subtle, innocent signs that is severely overlooked. An abuser will do their best to make themselves appear as though they are vulnerable, innocent, people who are just victims of circumstances or other people. If you listen to this and say, “Awwwww, you poor baby. Let me show you what love is.” Then you are a person who attracts abusive people.
Rhiannon Wilkinson
On September 25, 2009 at 1:11 am
I also wanted to say that I agree 100% with this article writer, even though it was written in a very brash, straight forward manner.
There are no such things in life as victims… only volunteers. And abusers do give off tell tale signs of having an abusive personality. The average, everyday person has to train their mind to spot the characteristics of this type of person. It is up to everyone to educate themselves about how to avoid these types of people as much as possible.
For instance, one of the first things an abuser might say to you once they hook you in with their sob story is, “Why are you listening to this type of music? That CD is really stupid!”
You may find yourself feeling a little offended that this person said your personal preference in music was “stupid” but you then tell yourself, “Oh, what’s the big deal? It’s just over a CD. What’s the use in fighting over that?”
So, you blow it off because it seems insignificant.
That is just a very subtle way that an abuser starts the abuse. Little by little, week by week, month by month, and year by year… the abuse escillates to outright name calling, threats and even physical violence.
The more severe the abuse is, the more you try to justify what is happening so the relationship can stay in tact. Plus, you are already in the habit of excusing the abuser. Then you tell youreself, “Oh, he’s had a rough childhood. His mother didn’t love him. If I was raised in his household, maybe I would be impatient with people, too. I know he will change, and see that I really do love him. One day, he will appreciate me.”
But that day never comes. Instead, the abuse keeps on getting worse and eroding the victims self esteem.
By this time, the person IS a full blown victim. But if you watch out for the signs in the very early stages of the relationship, you can cut off the relationship before a close bond is made with an abuser. The longer a person stays in a relationship with the abuser, the closer they get to the abuser physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually. Once a lot of time, energy and effort is invested in the relationship – it gets harder and harder to walk away. Also, if you are involved with an abuser – it erodes your self esteem and the initiative you have to walk away. Plus, an abuser will isolate you from friends and family, so your support system will eventually be gone.
Basically, an abuser will corner you, isolate you, and suck the life out of you like a vampire. But if they came to you full blast in the beginning with this type of behavior – it would scare you off. So this is why they have to lay the ground work with a good old fashioned sob story to get your defenses down, and give you very subtle, innocent, seemingly “opinionated” insults such as, “you have stupid taste in music.”
It took me a long time to realize how my ex hooked me in so tight. I was a real big sucker for a sob story, and I thought it was my job to love my ex, no matter what they did. And guess what? I paid for it dearly. Don’t make the same mistakes I did! This isn’t something I’ve read in a book, it is coming from real life experience.
Jenn Matthews
On October 1, 2010 at 8:00 pm
Ms Wilkinson…. I thought your post was more helpful than the original column… It always helps to hear personal experience to relate it to one’s own life… Sorry to hear about your situation but it seems you became a better, more knowledgeable person from it so God bless you.
I have never been abused before but its interesting to hear the things to look for to stay clear of that type of person. Im actually doing a story on it for a speech class but I became curious about this topic because my brother’s ex was recently murdered by her husband. A very sad situation. She was a sweet person and if only she knew about these simple character traits to look for perhaps she could have been saved..
Janey
On March 20, 2011 at 10:40 am
Rhiannon, I to think your comments were more informative than the article. I am still a sucker for a sob story and after a few abusive relationships I wondered what it was that I was saying/doing that let these men know I’m vulnerable and can be manipulated. It never dawned on me that it was my nurturing nature. I am still in a situ that 1 man knows exactly how to play me and does it when I move on and find knew relationships. He even asks if I would have his child as he lost 1 due to his ex being ‘mental’ n takin her child away from him. I was so upset by that I obv tried to please and reassure that would never happen with me. On reflection I had no intention of having a child with anyone!! The worst relationship I had was with a man who had a terrible past and hated his mother. He told me this very soon after we got together and within 2months had convinced me we were soulmates and I’d never find any1 who loved me as much as he did and nobody wud understand me. 4.5yrs later numerous broken bones low self esteem and constant fear (which 6yrs on has not gone.) I hope women and men read your words of wisdom and protect themselves from abusers. I will certainly be looking out for the sob story!! Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
Janey
On March 20, 2011 at 10:40 am
Rhiannon, I to think your comments were more informative than the article. I am still a sucker for a sob story and after a few abusive relationships I wondered what it was that I was saying/doing that let these men know I\’m vulnerable and can be manipulated. It never dawned on me that it was my nurturing nature. I am still in a situ that 1 man knows exactly how to play me and does it when I move on and find knew relationships. He even asks if I would have his child as he lost 1 due to his ex being \’mental\’ n takin her child away from him. I was so upset by that I obv tried to please and reassure that would never happen with me. On reflection I had no intention of having a child with anyone!! The worst relationship I had was with a man who had a terrible past and hated his mother. He told me this very soon after we got together and within 2months had convinced me we were soulmates and I\’d never find any1 who loved me as much as he did and nobody wud understand me. 4.5yrs later numerous broken bones low self esteem and constant fear (which 6yrs on has not gone.) I hope women and men read your words of wisdom and protect themselves from abusers. I will certainly be looking out for the sob story!! Thank you for sharing your knowledge.