How to Survive Being Dumped: Helpful Hints From Someone Who Has Been There, Done That

Okay, you’ve been dumped.  Your self-confidence has just taken a major hit.  You probably feel a little powerless.  Probably more than a little powerless.  You are not, it just feels that way.  The best remedy for feeling powerless is to find a way to regain a sense of control.  One way to do this is to create a coping strategy, let’s call it your “breakup game plan.”  Here are some things you’ll want to include:

1. First acknowledge that it sucks.  It never feels good to end a relationship.  It feels even worse to be the one who was left.  Acknowledge and accept that you are going to have feelings, mostly sad, angry and resentful.  If you have abandonment issues left over from childhood, and really who among us doesn’t, this will be even more difficult.  After all, there are reasons why you were with this particular person, some good, some maybe not so good, but either way saying goodbye is almost always hard.  The fact that he or she was apparently blind to your wonderfulness will make you feel better eventually, but won’t help much as that person is walking out the door.
2. Keep repeating to yourself that you will survive this.  You may not believe it at first, which is why you’ll need to repeat it.  Daily, hourly, minute-by-minute.  Print it out and tape it to your bathroom mirror.  This would be a good time to pull out your copy of Gloria Gayner singing “I will Survive” or your breakup song of choice.  Crank it as loud as you can without risking the ire of the neighbors.  If you can manage to get your butt out of your chair or bed or wherever you tend to go when sad, and dance to it, even better.
3. Have a sad song marathon.  While we are on the subject of music, this is one of my favorite coping strategies, whether it’s a breakup, your baseball team losing the World Series, or any of life’s myriad of reasons to not want to get out of bed in the morning.  You are sad, beyond sad, you are convinced that you will never be not-sad again, let alone happy.  Well then go for it.  Anything worth doing is worth doing well, including wallowing.  So pull out all the stops, find every sad song you have in your music collection, grab a pint of ice cream and tell yourself that you are going to wallow like no one has wallowed before. I can absolutely guarantee that when you’re done you will feel better.  Maybe not a lot better, but definitely better.
4. Eat chocolate.  This one requires no explanation.  If you happen to be one of those crazy people who don’t like chocolate, replace it with something equally decadent, as long as it isn’t mind-altering.  You may be tempted to open the liquor cabinet, and while I am not adverse to adult beverages, just remember that alcohol is a depressant and you probably don’t need any more of that at this particular moment.
5. Stop eating chocolate.  Eating chocolate is part of your short-term coping strategy; your game plan also needs to address the long-term.  Long-term would include taking care of yourself through thoughtful food choices, exercise, getting enough sleep, you know the drill.  This is always the hardest to do at the times we need it the most.  If nothing else works to get you focused on the importance of this one, try picturing the first time you run into your ex post-breakup.  Do you want him or her to see you looking anything less than fabulous?  Case closed.
6. Avoid the temptation to be petty.  This one is really tough, but trust me, you’ll thank yourself later.  Slashing the tires of his/her car, leaving messages, either while crying (trying to elicit sympathy) or snide and angry (trying to get a rise), sending back pictures, CDs, gifts the other person gave you, is never a good idea.  Why not?  Because it makes you look weak and desperate, and it accomplishes nothing.  It might make you feel better, but not for long.  How do you know if a potential action falls under the heading of petty?  Easy, if you’re thinking about what you’d like to do and the thought begins with, “I’ll show him/her,” you can safely assume that it’s petty.  It’s fine to fantasize about what you’d like to do, in fact I give you permission to do this.  Hell, I encourage it.  Bring a friend in on the project, have a contest to see who can come up with the best petty ideas.  But if you are considering carrying out any of them for real, take a moment to picture the you of the future, the one who is strong and capable and so over this person, and think about having to answer to him or her for what you are about to do.  After all, the future you is the one who will have to live with the consequences of your actions.  Because this point is so important, I recommend bringing in a support person, maybe even a team.  Ask them to agree to talk you down if you are about to give in to temptation.
7. Don’t be a stalker.  This could fall under the petty category, but I’m giving it its own section in order to emphasize its importance and to highlight that taken too far it could get you in real trouble.  You know what I’m talking about here.  Do not lie to yourself; the grocery store that just happens to be in your ex’s neighborhood is not the only one to carry your favorite brand of ice cream.  Again, bring in the team if you need it.   If all else fails, picture telling your mother why you are spending the night in jail after violating the restraining order.  Also ask yourself how you will look in orange coveralls.  That should do it.  If it doesn’t, imagine explaining to your mother, or your future grandchildren why there is an unflattering video of you on YouTube.
8. Be kind to yourself.  I can pretty much guarantee that in spite of your best intentions, you will at some point give in to temptation and resolve will fly out the window.  You will convince yourself that whatever you are about to do doesn’t really fall under the petty category, or you will eat the entire box of chocolate, or whatever.  When it does, don’t beat yourself up about it.  Just blame it on your ex.
9. Think of all the ways that your life is better since the breakup.  Make a list.  Carry that list with you at all times; you never know when you’ll think of a new reason.  Here are a few ideas to get you started:  you don’t have to share the remote, any dirty clothes, towels, dishes will be yours and yours alone, you don’t have to share the last scoop of ice cream (or feel guilty for not sharing it), friends will now feel free to tell you all the reasons that they never liked your ex anyway, getting to do all the things that you didn’t do because your ex didn’t like them.
10. Remind yourself that it’s better to be alone than to be with a person who isn’t right for you.  You won’t believe this at first, but it’s true. 
11. Picture your next romantic partner.  Make another list.  Include every quality you want in a partner.  Being alone is fine, sometimes more than fine.  But at some point, you will meet someone and take the plunge again.  With the belief that you can’t get what you want if you don’t know what you want, give yourself the best chance of ending up with someone who is a so much better match for you than the last one. Think about everything you most value in a person.  If I might make a suggestion, don’t just include looking hot in denim (oh, wait, that’s my list).  You want the person who will make you the happiest for the long run. 
12. Give it the attention it deserves and no more.  Yes, breakups are hard, sometimes very hard, but who you are with does not define who you are.  You are so much more.