How many times can a person  heal a broken heart? Does the pain of losing something or someone seem unbearable? Will you ever have the happiness that you deserve? Believe me, I have ask the same question over and over again. What I finally realized is I am in control of how much pain I allow in my life.

I have always wanted the perfect relationship. Yet, every time I found my rendition of love, I ended up losing it. Sometimes it would be because of the action of others. Either I found a man who was willing to give too little to cherish me, too little to make me feel that he had my best interest at heart or either I found myself settling for less than his best.  What I have learned is how to take the good, the bad and the ugly and make it work for me.

A few years ago, I was in a relationship that I thought was the answer to my prayers, I loved this man with everything that I had with in me, that was my first mistake. I was working hard thinking that the two of us were on the same page and that our relationship was going to be the kind that would last forever. One day the blinders were lifted from my eyes. This man, my husband, my children’s father, a man that I had spent 8 years building my world around had actually being easing out of our lives. I mean he had literally taken his clothes and moved in with some one else’s. I knew that I was not going to deal with this and that this had to end or so that is what my mind was telling me.

I was hurt, I could not eat, sleep and could not think straight. One day, I decided that I had to do better, after all I had my little girls to think about. I got up took a shower and I started to pray like I have never prayed before. All I wanted was for the pain in my heart to stop. I needed to feel secure again. I had basically given up on my marriage and did not know what to do.

One day my husband walked in the house. He had been gone all weekend. This was the day that I made up my mind that it was over. He asked me, “What do you want to do?” My flesh told me to walk away and never to look back. My heart told me to give it some time, separate and pray. The decision was made that we would live in the same house, but in different rooms. My husband and I  did live in the same house for two whole years before I decide to forgive him, it was hell,  I loved him and I hated him at the same time. I had given up and there was no idea that we would ever be able to love each other again.

Somehow I was able to forgive him of all that he had done to me. I was able to understand how I contributed to this mess that we had made. I was a workaholic from sun up to sun down and the many times that he needed me, I was saying, in a minute. Those minutes turned into hours which turned into day, weeks and even two years. Someone else gave my husband what I was not giving him and it was  attention, conversation and time.

For two years I put this man through hell trying to make him pay for all the pain that he  caused me, all the embarrassment. He told me, I don’t care what you do, I always have and always will love you. He also said, “I do not care how long it takes I am going to be right here.” For two years my husband lived on our sofa in the den. He would say, “Baby can I come to bed.” I would always say no, I did not want him near me.

One day I realized that we may not be here another minute, hour or day and I needed to make amends. On this day my husband arrived home from work. When he walked through the door I had  lit the candles and created a fabulous meal.  I told my husband that he had paid the price and I could forgive him. I allowed him back into our bedroom and each day we begin to touch each other, then hold each other and finally the intimacy was their again.

What I did not realize was that I had no right to punish my husband, I had no right to live in hell with him, but what I have also learned is that sometimes when we are putting our all into work, we are forgetting to make time for loving those who love us. 

We are together and I know that it is by God’s Grace