I Love You, I Hate You, Marry Me

I am constantly assaulted by visual images of love. Pink hearts are pasted on every available surface while cherubic Cupids swarm like a crowd trying to escape a Celine Dion concert. Candy is everywhere, and sappy couples parade around with their hands in each other’s back pockets. It is, in a word, disgusting.

Most (attached) females absolutely adore the love-dovey dating scene. The pink, the red, the white, the romance – and although it seems that men don’t necessarily reciprocate feminine mush, male participation is of course, a requirement. The man that does not display some type of outward affection to his significant other faces severe repercussions.

Fortunately for my male cohorts, I, being female, have a link into the strange and emotional mind of the previously unknown territory that has been dubbed “The Girl.” As a result of the combination of my own experiences as a female and my recent, highly scientific chick flick rampage, I have compiled a list of feminine traits that will (hopefully) open the eyes of romantically dead men. The following will aid in the understanding of the female brain, and save you from dating disasters. According to my research, these are the facts of life as seen through the eyes of a sentimental woman:

    * All important, life-changing events occur in an hour and a half. The highlights of days, weeks, months, or even years can be packed into a very tight time slot. Long conversations do not exist, all travel time is negligible, and trivial actions such as using the restroom need to be completely omitted. Quality time investment will not, in fact, win you her love. Keep it short, sweet, and to the point.

  * The only men that deserve to live are absolutely gorgeous. Since men are (of course) swine, they need to be physically perfect. Men must have chiseled features, washboard abs, and an almost eerily keen eye for clothing. Acceptable brands of men include Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, and Heath Ledger look-alikes.

   * Only successful women matter. To be important and have a chance at finding love, a woman must be in her late twenties to early thirties and hold down a high-paying job in a male-dominated field. This factor re-establishes the fact that men are swine and ensures that love only comes to successful career women. The love life of the slightly homely if ridiculously supportive best friend is, of course, nonexistent.