I Married a Borderline Personality Lady [and We Have Kids!]

Did your wife get pregnant on purpose to trap you? Is she scary-violent? Does she live her life in very high-level mode, seeing herself as a remarkable being who is way beyond everyone else?  Does she love you one day and hate you [and everyone else!] the next?  These are all signs of the borderline personality disorder which seems to be ever on the rise. 

Being married to a borderline is survivable only if you change your perspective about your role in life.  Most times, the husband of a borderline is a very altruistic person who wants to do good for others and believes he can help his wife.  The problem is, the more you try to help, the more she finds fault with you and criticizes everything you do.  She will tell you that your parents didn’t love you/ didn’t listen to you as a child, that you don’t know how to love and that you are just damaged in general.  You can’t bring her out of this.  She may fake her way out of it, but you will see the same frightening behavior from your wife eventually.

If you are looking in the mirror these days and seeing that your face is changing and that you’ve lost your ambition or your creativity, that is likely your borderline wife keeping you down.  Your friends will notice it, too.  Listen to them.  You got her by your borderline wife keeping you down with criticism and any type of control she can think of, even getting violent with you or locking you out of your own house or abusing the children.  She may threaten to call the police and report you as a domestic abuser. 

Watch out for the typical cleverness of the borderline.  They fool people around them into thinking that they are the most wonderful people in the world.  You start believing that this is true and you let yourself “get under” them.  At this point, you can’t trust yourself because you seek her approval and you micro-manage every outburst of rage from her to you [and the kids!].  If you raise issues she will retaliate sometimes by screaming at the kids.  What do you do?

First there is a process of anxiety you may experience that is like a heart-attack.  After you accept what is going on by researching the borderline personality disorder, give yourself about one year to mourn psychologically the false relationship you have built up with the sick part of your wife.  Yes, there is someone deep down in there who is real but can’t come out most of the time.  She may love you.  Any you may truly love her.  But this is one of the most untreatable situations known to man and doesn’t usually change enough so that the problem goes away.  All of this advice is assuming you wish to stay with your wife even if just for the sake of the children [if you have kids].  Yes, that is a good reason to stay with her and yes you can have a rewarding relationship with her but you will be mommy and daddy at the same time and you must change your expectations of a relationship dramatically.  You will be caring for her for the rest of her life.  Your life will be much harder than your friends.  You will have to put your foot down and take a stance with your wife that you don’t mind breaking up the marriage [that will be easy after a year of mourning for the fakeness that was created! I have personally done this.]  You will express to her that she is causing problems in your life and the kids’ lives, and you will walk away without freaking out at her whenever an argument arises.  You must build yourself up and forget about her unreal conflicts, they don’t need to torture you- Your energy is needed to try to give as much normalcy to your children as possible.