I Paid Too Much for This
by Continually investing too much in a relationship when the payoff is an unhappy one can leave us feeling unbalanced and rob us of more than our investment.
Situations and relationships that cause us the greatest emotional pain are often those in which we are most invested. We are, in many cases, investing much more than our return on that investment. The pain comes from feeling all of this unbalanced energy. We give, and we give, and we give…. we expect to be compensated in a “fair” way for that giving. When that doesn’t happen, we feel like we didn’t give enough, or our giving wasn’t special, that we don’t matter to the other person, or that life isn’t fair. We feel sensitive, hurt, angry and so “ripped off”. It’s hard to not wallow and stew in these feelings because of how much we’ve given to the cause. Hard not to over focus because it’s all about over focusing. A self pity party feels like an appropriate response.
Sometimes, we regroup and come back to give more to the relationship or situation. Give more, invest more… lose more. Lose more precious time. Throw away more life. Give more of ourselves and pull our energy from healthy, balanced, relationships to do it, leaving those relationships in a chaotic place too with no leftover resources to have them. Even when it feels hopeless and like a losing battle, it’s so hard to stop trying. It feels like an emotional addiction. A determination of will to get what we want no matter the cost to ourselves and our life. The inability to see that what we give does not have to be compensated. Perspective is lost. We are lost. We wallow in the hopelessness of our lives, the feeling of failure and rejection, and yet are unable to stop feeling like if we just hang in there and give a little more, things will work out as they should. It feels like there’s no way out. But, there IS a way out, and it starts with acceptance of this simple truth:
We can’t change the return. We CAN change the investment.
With this realization, we begin to see that when we continually give to a situation or relationship and the “return” is leaving us needy or depressed and unhappy, it’s time and necessary, to adjust the investment.
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Post CommentSharona
On February 9, 2009 at 6:47 am
This is one of the most powerful articles I have read in a while. You have used a very simple concept to explain a very complicated emotional disaster. Great work!
ruby
On February 9, 2009 at 7:10 am
How do you do it? You have a real gift for writing about complicated emotional feelings in a way that makes it so easy to identify with. I think that most humans know the feeling here. I love this article. You show such insight in your writing.
SydneyS
On February 9, 2009 at 7:40 am
This is very well written. And, we’ve all been there, done that, so the topic is interesting. Love the gumball machine analogy. Great read.
Fegger
On February 9, 2009 at 8:08 am
Yes, most would say they can’t swim if they don’t dive in, eh? Nicely done.
Beasley
On February 9, 2009 at 8:50 am
This is an outstanding article. You have used analogy to illustrate a difficult emotional quandry.
Glynis Smy
On February 9, 2009 at 9:32 am
A good read, well done. Laid out and easy to follow.
Kate Smedley
On February 9, 2009 at 11:12 am
A really powerful article and strong message, it can be hard when we are in a place of emotional addiction but it is so important to take control and responsibility for ourselves.
monica55
On February 9, 2009 at 12:29 pm
A terrific piece of writing through which all of us can take stock of ourselves. Keep up the good work
Monica
Lisa Clayton Williams
On February 9, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Great thoughts! Well written article!
Jake Mitchell
On February 9, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Great article, I really enjoy your writing style. Fantastic insight, keep it up!
rutherfranc
On February 9, 2009 at 2:34 pm
sound advice on the last part… liked it
Blue Buttefly
On February 9, 2009 at 3:08 pm
I enjoyed the read thank you!
Joni Keith
On February 9, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I’m on the same page with you here. I always say you can’t change the world, but you can change your reaction to it which ultimately changes your world. You are so good at expressing your thoughts in a clear and concise manner. Another great article.
Bo Russo
On February 9, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Gotta do what makes it feel right.
Willa
On February 9, 2009 at 5:29 pm
I so enjoy every article you write. This one is in the excellent category. Don’t know too many people who don’t put all their eggs in one basket when they really want something.
Move over advise columnists! You’ve got some really great competition in this writer!
Ruby Hawk
On February 9, 2009 at 5:57 pm
When we settle we are asking for heartache.You must stay on top of your own needs before you can add to anyone’s esteem or happiness.
Melody SJAL
On February 9, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Thank you very much for sharing this. You have put this subject in a very interesting angle.
Joie Schmidt
On February 10, 2009 at 12:39 am
A very nice, thoughtful piece, thank you.
Blessings.
Sincerely,
-Liane Schmidt.
Christine Ramsay
On February 10, 2009 at 5:28 am
Such wise words. This is a true lesson in how to get the best out of a relationship. A brilliant piece of writing.
Christine
Debra.
On February 10, 2009 at 10:35 pm
An article filled with simple common sense and very inspirational! Very well done. I loved the meaning and the write.
God bless.
Maria Blazz
On February 11, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Very powerful piece, although I’m not sure about the main point. When it comes about feelings, I think you cannot control or measure them. But of course your argument is beyond that.
OhSugar
On February 11, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Good piece for discussion. I know sometimes we give our all and get nothing in return, except a broken heart. Thanks for sharing.
Anne McNew
On February 17, 2009 at 12:13 am
A very informative and entertaining article.
Amsky
On February 17, 2009 at 8:37 am
Inspirational and a good topic to talk about.
Kelly
On May 20, 2010 at 2:07 pm
Wow. Just wow. Awesome writing.