If Someone Had the Answers in Life, The Secret Would be Out Already

Life is one big mess that rarely gets cleaned up. It’s a mess that spits in your face and laughs at you after. But really, whatever you’re going through right now, someone else in the world has been through something worse. Everyone wants the same things. Unfortunately, not everyone gets them in the same ways. We all want to find someone who makes us forget who we are, just so that we can find ourselves again – in them. The only problem is, once you’re gone, you’re gone.

Don’t ever give away everything.

Don’t ever lose yourself in another person.

Don’t ever think you’ve found yourself in another person.

Don’t ever define your value through someone else’s eyes.

Don’t ever break promises to yourself.

Don’t ever lay awake thinking about someone who isn’t laying awake thinking about you.

Don’t ever feel like you’ve made a mistake – what you’ve done is created an experience.

Don’t ever let anyone else win. This is your race.

Then there are the times you realize that your life is actually a complete mess. You messed up big time, for the ten millionth time. Somewhere along the way, you left your soul somewhere. If you could remember where, you’d have it back by now.

You sit on a park bench outside in the cold, or at least you’ve heard it’s cold; it’s not like you can feel it. You pray. You assume someone is listening. Not that assuming has ever worked before.

You wonder where it is that your soul could be, but you think you know where you left it – or, who you left it with. You sit. You pray. You think. You wait. You dig through all the things in your mind you’ve tried so hard to forget. You remember. You know. You can’t quite figure out how to get it back from that person, though. You have no idea where it will end up, and neither do they.

Time passes. Months for the lucky ones, and years for the rest of us. It’s cold outside again, and you know this because you can feel the bite of every rush of wind, and it’s all you could ever ask for. You’re content because you’re alive, and you’ve finally figured out what you’re waiting for. You feel ready to look God in the face and say: This is it. I want this forever.

Not every person fits into the maze of your life that you’ve finally made some progress in, but not every person will be able to accept that. And before you know it, you’ll be holding onto someone else’s soul. And when you find out you have it, you’ll be sitting on that same park bench in that same winter all over again, trying to figure out how to let this extra soul go. You’re angry at them for trusting you with it. You’re angry at yourself for not being able to be trusted. But no one can expect you to be trusted with something that isn’t best for you in the first place.

Life is one big cycle, bringing you to the top of some days and the heart wrenching bottom of others. Every feeling has an end point. You’ve been here before, you know what hopeless feels like. You’d rather die than be the reason another person is feeling what you thought you’d never get over, so in turn, it all comes back. It’s becoming an old enemy, and you’d rather find a way to touch the moon than fight it again. You know you can’t say you’re sorry, and finally you understand everyone who’s hurt you. Intentionally or unintentionally, there is one sad truth: It takes a broken heart to understand one, and to break a heart to heal one. There is nothing you can do anymore except find your own healing place. Walk, run, eat, sleep. Live your life, not the pain in someone else’s.

It may seem wrong, but no one else’s pain should ever be your pain. If they can’t get over you, it’s their damage to fix. Keep your life your own. Someday you’ll find someone to be part of it – but never to share it with. You need to be your own best friend, your own partner, and your own person. And so do they.