This is something that really depends on your relationship and how your partner defines cheating. Some people are more possessive than others and hold different values to fidelity. When does it become cheating?
This is something that really depends on your relationship and how your partner defines cheating. Some people are more possessive than others and hold different values to fidelity. When does it become cheating? When physical contact is made? When emotions come into play? We all have our own sense of when that line is crossed. These are things that need to be known so you know where that line is if you do not want to cross it. When in doubt, if it feels like cheating, then most likely it is.
Cyber sex has been known to cause some nasty splits so brushing it off as ‘only fantasy’ or “harmless fun” might work for you but the question is what does your partner think? While any relationship has its share of compromises this is one of those topics which usually does not debate well… it’s either ok or it’s very, VERY not ok. And chances are you probably already have an idea which one.
Now assuming it is ok, there are some things to consider carefully if you don’t want it to blow up in your face.
Is it really ok? Sometimes a passive partner might say it is ok because they are afraid a “no” will break the relationship. This will lead to regret, and later resentment, most likely of the passive aggressive kind. Not good, and hard to fix because one rarely realizes the damage until it explodes. (’What’s wrong’ you ask… ‘Nothing’ you’re told.) I would suggest not just asking straight out ‘would you mind if I had cyber sex’ but rather feel your way by perhaps bringing is up as some guy at work asked your opinion on it and you thought it was ok because its just fantasy but you wanted a second opinion. Might work. You would know better than me how to ask your partner.
Are you compensating? I don’t want to play psychologist here but if you really do want to ‘do the right thing’ as it were then asking yourself why cyber sex is needed (apart from novelty) then ask if it’s to compensate for a lack of something… excitement often is high on that list and there are books on how to spice up your relationship. Is it that infamous 3 year itch that actually can happen at any time? You might kid your partner but don’t kid yourself. (Not everyone does it to compensate either but it happens.)
Beware of diminishing returns. It works like this: you start off with one thing, say a chat room encounter, and it’s great… blows your mind. Then after a while when the novelty wears off you perhaps move to steamy telephone calls to recapture that oomph. Then that novelty wears off and you start thinking hey I will be in town next week… we could get a hotel! It happens. Don’t think you are immune to it because the temptations will be there. Whether you succumb to them is a personal matter but we have all done stupid things before that somehow made sense at the time. The mind is good at finding logic after the fact, making it up as needed. It’s a quirk of human nature like how we sometimes see faces in random patterns. Sometimes the line between fantasy and reality can get blurred too.
Insecurity and jealousy. How will your partner perceive this? As a sign that he or she did something wrong or that the relationship is in trouble? Insecurity has a way of reinterpreting facts to justify itself. If you got the ok don’t flaunt it just like you don’t leave certain tapes in the VCR.
Now you might be thinking why not just hide it? It’s innocent enough and you probably do that with your magazines and videos so why bother stirring the pot? Simple answer is this “technically” involves another person. If your partner finds out about it and it appears to be something going on behind his or her back it will not come across well. On one level it can be seen as harmless fantasy like using a racy magazine but on another level it might cross the line.
Keep an eye out for these red flags indicting there may be more too it than harmless fun: