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Is Your Partner a Bully?

Bullying in relationships. You can take back control of your life!

Does your partner put you down in front of other people?

Does your partner constantly undermine your abilities and focus on perceived failures?

Does your partner complain and call you names over petty matters?

If you answer ‘yes’ to the above questions then you are being bullied in your relationship. Bullying is repeated oppression which occurs when there is an imbalance of power in favour of the oppressor. Bullying is another name for abuse.

Emotional abuse such as the above examples can be a precursor to physical violence. Abusers are often people who have little control over other areas of their lives. Constant verbal abuse lowers self-esteem, creates high levels of stress and anxiety, develops a ‘victim mentality’ and engenders feelings of hopelessness. Stress has many and varied symptoms from things like headaches, unexplained rashes, lowered immunity through to reactive depression, panic attacks and hypersensitivity.

How to change the situation? Firstly you need to recognise that you are not the one with the problem. It belongs to your partner, the abuser/bully. Take back control of your life! Realise that no-one has the right to verbally abuse you. This is domestic violence.

You need to build up your self-esteem by recognising that you have both strengths and weaknesses. Everyone has. Start concentrating on your strengths. If you have difficulty in working out your strengths, ask a friend to help. Finally you need to look at your life and see what are your other options. Today many people lack supporting networks and you may need to work with a psychologist.

It’s time to do something for yourself!

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User Comments
  1. kolon

    On November 22, 2006 at 8:14 pm

    Go girl!

  2. Cheryl

    On November 23, 2006 at 2:24 am

    i have a friend in this type of relationship. She puts up with it.

  3. Freya

    On November 23, 2006 at 9:38 pm

    No-one should put up with it! But it’s hard to tell a friend to leave a relationship – all you can do is be there as a friend if she needs you.

  4. Shanny

    On July 23, 2007 at 12:49 pm

    A year and a half ago, I left my husband because he was verbally abusive. I put up with it for 12 years. Then, he started bullying friends of mine as well and it opened my eyes to how he was treating me. I still am not totally over the abuse, but am very glad I left. I agree. No one should have to put up with that kind of crap.

  5. Judy Sheldon

    On October 21, 2007 at 3:19 pm

    Thank you for getting the word out. Spousal bullies try to isolate their spouse so they have no support network. Crawling out of this type of relationship takes a lot of guts. #2, she’ll wake up, and hopefully you can be there for her. Very nice article, Moonchild.

  6. Sharon Dane

    On August 22, 2008 at 4:50 am

    Hi Im kinda new here, but I would like to get some advices from all of you, Ive been going out with my Fiance for 4 years now we are both 23yrs old, but for some point I feel that he took my confindence out. 5 months ago he said to me that he changed the way he feels about me because I gained weight and for some point he been treating me cold for few weeks, and he threats me that if I dont do what he ask me to do (like getting his food if we are on a party, while he is just sits on chair like a king and waiting for his servant)he will argue with me all night, and he will break my things in my parents house (we live in my parents house), he also moaned about my family and always make my 11 year old sister upset, if she done silly stuff (such as eating a some snacks that he also likes and none left for him) he lock all the PC and TV where she cant use it, he threats me and make everyone stress in the house, he breaks stuff when he is on a full arguement mode, he doesnt do anything in the house and its always me who work at home cook for him, laundry and iron his clothes, wash his dish, he only sit and watch and sleep. he also fight and shout at me in front of my parents. For some point I feel so little that I cant defend my self. I feel scared everday that he will busrt into arguement mode. Does anyone thinks that Im being bullied?

  7. J May

    On October 14, 2008 at 4:43 pm

    Well, I’m a guy and it’s kind of weird that i seemed to be the only male writing in this forum.
    My girlfriend of 4 years is making me very depress and don’t know if it’s me or she is bullying me.
    I’m just starting to work out my feelings and can’t tolerate her moods all the time as well as the constant emmotional distress.

  8. Nettie

    On March 8, 2009 at 10:32 am

    I believe I am in an abusive relationship – sometimes I stand up for myself if my partner makes fun of me in front of strangers – and then we have an argument that can last several days – it’s always my fault – he sees me as hypersensitive and tells me it is all in my head. He shouts and goes on long tirades and calls me names that are very derogative. Always in these arguments he tells me I am a ‘drain on his resources’ he’s had a very successful career and is quite comfortable moneywise. Whenever I try to find a way to end being a drain on his resources by offering to add more money into the financial pot – he scoffs and tells me that I am being inflammatory and the root cause of the problem isn’t money. We bacame engaged a couple of months ago and he says everything he is doing to the home is for me. I do not ask for a large garage with a pool table or a conservatory that will also double as a games room. I have requested that I am able to paint the sitting room – which hasn’t been decorated for at least 12 years and this by a previous wife. When he is in a good mood he is wonderful but if I do react to any snide comments or being shouting at he is very loathsome.

    He takes me on lovely holidays – which are usually good – but he needs to be in control – I am sixty and my partner is 65 – sometimes I want to leave him just to get some peace and quite but am I cutting my nose of to spite my face. He says that previous women who he had relationships with always regretted leaving him as in his own words – ‘he is so much fun and does exciting things.

  9. GW

    On March 14, 2009 at 7:58 am

    I was in a bullying relationship for 20 years. It took me a long time to realize it.I was the one who was wrong,crazy,too fat, whatever. It was always my fault. I think the big turning point in my decision to leave was when I saw him transferring the bullying to my daughter. I was getting tired of walking on egg shells and started to regain my sense of self. I finally decided to leave to save my daughter from the same abuse. She is 20 now and still suffers self-esteem problems and has no relationship with her father. I have explained to her that it was her fathers problem and she is not in any way at fault.This type of behavior is very covert and can’t be detected, only in the damage it does to your psyche. It’s not visible like physical abuse, but is just as damaging. Its hard to understand why a father, spouse or anyone who supposedly loves you would do such a thing. If anyone even questions if you are being bullied… THEN YOU ARE. If you are in a truly loving relationship this type behavior will not exist and you will not be questioning if t does. RUN. RUN. RUN.

  10. onthespot

    On March 22, 2009 at 1:33 pm


    I will be the second guy on this thread. I need to talk to someone because I think Im going to crack. My girlfriend of almost two years now is making me very depressed. She attacks me often for things I say, for the way I act and also for what she “THINKS” I’m thinking. Often she will say things like, “you are doing this on purpose” and “you are playing mind games with me”. But all I ever do is try to please her, and help her with her job. I will invite her over to dinner and make her a nice dinner during the cooking I would drop a fork and she would call me too wirey and complain. Its as if there is no pleasing her, or at least not for long. She is going through a very stressful time with her work right now and almost daily listen to her woes and try to console her. When it is my turn and something is bothering me, she often turns and says its my fault, its because I have low self esteem or its because I didnt act properly. This is real ybeyond me why she does this. so I undestand but it has been going on for a year now. Now I admit Im not perfect but I really try my best to love her and support her, I buy her gifts often, I make her dinner (she does too though) I help her with her job, last week i spent the entire week helping her with her job, I took one whole week off and helped her and she yelled at me on the phone for not having finished it even though the deadline was not for another week and I had it all under control. I am really depressed NOBODY ELSE treats me like she does and now she makes me nervous to be around her which has killed our intimacy alot. But I love her and really feel a connection with her and want to work this out but she is convinced the problems are with me and I do try to change but I can only change soo much, she has to change too, she doesnt see it that way.

    thank you for listenning.

  11. mshadenough

    On April 28, 2009 at 6:35 am

    I have been in a very abusive relationship for 3 years. He was my first love. Every day he would verbally put me down, criticise and tell me that I wasn’t good enough. He would deliberately always embarass me in front of friends, be rude to my parents basically he would do things to sabotage me. I knew he was doing that to gain full control of our relationship, but I still put up with it.

    When I fell pregnant with our first child, he left me after I told him the news. I didn’t see him again until our baby son was born. I begged and I cried he said he didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I would call and he’d never pick up…i was suicidal with an unborn child inside of me.

    I contacted him after our son was born and we got back together, for I thought he would change. I was wrong the abuse came back again. It damaged me mentally.

    I haven’t seen him for 3 weeks now because I’ve had enough. I don’t know why I cling onto him for the hope that he would become a wonderful partner. I feel so cheated, so stupid that I let someone treat me this way.

    It’s so easy to say but so hard to run run run….

  12. hurt

    On June 4, 2009 at 7:15 pm

    ive been with my girlfriend for only 6months now and it was fine till 2 months in , i showed my feelings and she realise she could bully me, i got sick of it and told her to change or i would end i , she cried and begged me not to and she changed drastically, but now i have become the bully even worse than she was, i say terrible things when we argue , i have made her feel beyond low and i am ashamed of myself , she has finally stood upto me and it is tha wake up call i need , i have vowed to change myself , im going to see a friend of mine who is a qualified counsular and sort this out , but im worried that the circle will go full tue and she will know again become the bully , any help would be great , how can i change ? and how can i stop her from simpley turning the roles around ?

  13. Katherine

    On June 10, 2009 at 4:49 pm

    Really relate to what Nettie wrote, I haven’t been with my boyfriend long, and on one side he is really great, runs his own charity, has a great social life, but as time has gone on the bickering, which was sort of fun, has become more and more harsh. Sarcastic and snide comments all day long, and if I ask him to stop, I’m told I’ve no sense of humour. He finally admitted the other day that he was getting tired of it himself, yet within a short space of time, he started again. He idolises his father, who was physically abusive to his mother, when he was three. He dislikes his step father, mainly because of the asexual and argumentative relationship he has with his mother. I don’t think that my boyfriend sees that he has replicated this with me. I’ve only been out with him for 6 months, and I am not his counsellor. We have loads of tickets for festivals and holidays over the next few months, but I have just returned from a 5 day holiday where I cried for one whole day. He hasn’t touched me for months, let alone having sex. I don’t think I could have sex with him now. Don’t really see the point of caring on with him.

  14. Thor

    On June 13, 2009 at 11:03 pm

    Hey guess im the third guy to post on this site.

    Ive been with my gf since last christmas now,yes things were going ok but over the past few months they have taken a turn for the worst.She started putting me down in such ways like a while back when we were meant to meet up and it didnt happen then she turned around and said that i didnt even want to see her when them days i took them off college to see her.Then the same night she turned around and said im not going to make anymore plans why dont you go and make plans with some other b**ch.Then a few days later said to me were you planning on moving away or something when i told her that i have been busy doing coursework and also said well if would give me an excuse to say that my bf doesnt want to see me.I have tried to have her realise life isnt bad only to have it thrown back in my face all the time and she complains when i treat her the same way she treats me as to me its give what you recieve.I told a few close friends of mine when this all started and they said get rid of her but me being me i never listened and they still tell me to do it,At the minute im writing this i have a feeling that i should of listened to them all for the past few days now as my life is currently messed up thnx to her,lack of sleep,stress and anger problems towards people close to me.So atm im probably jsut going to end it with her and tell her exactly how i feel about her and leave and find someone who is worth my time and isnt going to treat me the way she does.wish i had listened to my friends sooner than this but if anyone reads this and is going through the same things i am just get rid of her people like my gf who said to me 1 night i demand attention shouldnt get it as i didnt give her any at all when she said that but seriously you cant live or let ur life be ruined by someone who trys to control you and make you feel like your the person who is in the wrong.

  15. Carol Lee Allan

    On July 23, 2009 at 5:51 am

    My partner is a bully but he thinks his not we have to do everything he says I can not have drink or talk to my girls or even see them as much as I would like to as we run a dairy farm and we own it together we bought it from his parents and they still feel it is their’s as it has been in the family for 3 generations I just dont know what to do as it is so lonely on a dairy farm and he is just so scary sometimes I am scared and when he goes off he just yells and screams and breaks things and puts me down so much I dont know who I am anymore In the end I am to blame as he say is my fault he got angry. We are also different in age I 12 years older

  16. Carol

    On July 23, 2009 at 6:06 am

    Help me please

  17. Carol

    On July 23, 2009 at 6:09 am

    My partner is a bully but he thinks his not we have to do everything he says I can not have drink or talk to my girls or even see them as much as I would like to as we run a dairy farm and we own it together we bought it from his parents and they still feel it is their\’s as it has been in the family for 3 generations I just dont know what to do as it is so lonely on a dairy farm and he is just so scary sometimes I am scared and when he goes off he just yells and screams and breaks things and puts me down so much I dont know who I am anymore In the end I am to blame as he say is my fault he got angry. We are also different in age I 12 years older

  18. lost and hopeless

    On August 25, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    I meet a man one year ago today. he was kind and soft spoken. He fell in love and I thought the world of him. Right now today I wish I were dead. He has become verbally abusive and I am scared of him. His abuse comes out of the blue. He will be thinking something and start up and accuse me of acting a certain way, or he will ask me a question just to start his act up. I am quiet my nature and have had the worst few years of my life before I meet him. I had moved to another state 4 years ago because my two adult sons within weeks of each other nearly died. One hurt as a police officer in the line of duty and my youngest son who was 27 at the time, had a massive heart attack from RX medicine for his migraines, he was on the heart transplant list for 8 months and began to improve. (He is on SSDI, my other son is back to work having to do
    so much overtime because workers comp. says they overpaid him. ) 20 months ago in the middle of this mess I had a job with the state had bought a home in that state and got laid off. I have never been in debt, never had late bills, and I ended up having to file bankruptcy. Now I have no money, no job, no credit. This past May my partner and I \”got Married\”, everything but did not file the necessary license because he would lose his insurance. He is 60 and when he is 65 we are supposedly going to make it legal. Now for the bullying part- the last few months he has done it so many times that I can barley count them all. I am scared all the time and feel like I never know what he wants. He will say things like this morning, \”you need to find somewhere else to live\”, I DID love you\”. Then when he feels like it he will say I love you honey. Well to me one is a lie. We are in the process of buying a home in another state. Or I really should say he is and I guess I will be his guest if and when it pleases him. I love this man but I am so tired of his bullying. He will set me up to where I am afraid to move to go to the bathroom for fear that it will interpreted in his head as, god know what and then he will go off. When we are out he is nice to me. Although when we do go out he totally dominates all conversation. His friend are almost all from his late wife- who I get to hear about all the time. I am sure she has sainthood already. When I start to say something most of the time he really don;t listen. I have told him things multiply times and finally he will listen and say you never told me that. He has no empathy for me. He does not care that I have lupus and his stressful verbal assaults are aggravated it to the point where I had a real bad flare, I have not had one for 12 years, ever with all that was going on with my sons. I want him to change and have spoken to him once about the verbal abuse and what it says about the abuser. He \”promised\” he would not do that. I feel like I have no trust with him. one minute he says one thing and one the next. I feel lost and hopeless, I don;t care if I would die right now. I hate waking up most days because just when I start to feel normal he is liable to start in on me. We don\’t do anything I want because frankly I have always given in to what ever he wants because it is easier than being scared. If I asked for something, which I have never done, I KNOW it would be used against me so it is just easier to do without. He buys himself \”little presents\” all the time. He will say look what I got you but it is never anything I want, it usually is something for both of us. My husband died 20 years ago this coming month. he wife passed almost 3 years ago. I am not sure is he is mad at me because I am here and she is not but it sure feels that way.
    He is a total control freak with planning, scheduling. He promised me that I could go back and see my parents for Christmas and my son and new granddaughter, my sister. then this morning he tells me basically that is not going to happen. I love my family and we are close. I am so afraid that I will never see my parents again. I don\’t know what to do. My parents are in their early 80\’s.
    I am 55, with a few masters degrees, and my PhD (abd). I have no desire to even live right now like this. I am hoping for a miracle or death. Did I mention that I have no where to go and no money to help my sons or myself with. I would appreciate some thoughts or help.

  19. Woman In Control

    On November 4, 2009 at 7:04 pm

    Hello everyone. I am 30 and writing from NZ and I have been in a relationship for over 4 years. My partner is a bully, fruit loop whatever you want. We live on a large beef farm (that he owns), I also work full time for another company and he has an electrical business.
    I left a wonderful partner of 5 years who treated me like a goddess and gave me whatever I wanted (Our relationship failed after the death of our first and only child, then he moved to Aussie) for the charms of my current partner. I come from a large loving family. He has only started spending time with his family since we got together. (Apparently his dad wasnt a very nice person, he also suffered from mental illness). His wife left him because he was a psycho. His kids dont really like him as he treats them like crap – I’m constantly standing up for them, he tells them im a sl*t and a b**ch etc – they love me though so they tell him where to go. My sisters tolerate him. He had an affair last year and we separated and I believe he cheated on me early in the relationship with an ex.

    He supposedly regretted it as this woman turned out to be a big mouth and blabbed about it at the same pub that my sister and her friends socialise at and he begged me to get back together with him after the affair and that he has changed blah blah. We have been back together almost a year. I fell pregnant in July and am due in April.

    I am a pretty strong minded person. I have left him for weeks at a time before. I love him deeply and I know he loves me. But he is putting huge amounts of stress on me at the moment. I work in an all male environment and have been getting a lot of stress put on me at work lately. I tried to talk to him about it yesterday and he told me i wasnt at work anymore so get over it.

    Basically Carol, i get the same treatment as you on the farm.
    It’s always been my fault, the money thing, he screams, yells, breaks things, puts me down and acts genreally like a 5 year old.

    I know he’s a dickhead at the best of times. But I feel blessed as I have always been known to handle a lot more crap than most people who know me can handle. But i am worried for my baby, i dont want to lose another one.

    I have my own car and two others that he has provided me with. I get a pretty ok life but i do everything. Hes fairly lazy, sleeps late EVERY day as he has made his stupid money and our house is a dump he never maintains it so i either have it looking as best as i can, or i just leave it to rot as when i have it spic and span he throws a tanty and messes it up – but as long as he has 6 of the latest top range cars hes happy. So you can see his priorities are totally backwards.

    Anyway, i suppose i should say. I have always been a fairly placid person. I have never really argued with boyfriends. But this one – when he starts on me i now give back as good as i get. I have put up with some of the worst things from him (including having the rifle pulled on me on the farm in the middle of nowhere) and then one day, I just saw red and snapped and punched him in the head about 8x. I thought “this is it, i’m gonna really get the bash” – but to my surprise he cowered like a complete sissy!

    He still bullies me, but knows that i will give it back to him now as i have now seen that he has an inferiority complex and puts others down to make himself feel better. When he throws things (like his dinner plate for instance) I will pick it up and throw it back at him – it either makes him more angry, or shuts him up. I used to always clean up the mess, now i just leave it and he ends up doing it – so he tends to think twice before throwing things now. I bought a $1200 vacuum the other day and a carpet washing m/c – and i didnt ask either – so I’m all good if need be.

    I’ve always believed that you should treat others as you would want to be treated. With psycho people its a different set of rules. You HAVE GOT to stand up for yourself. Don’t let anyone treat you like garbage no matter how much you love them – give them a taste of their own medicine because you love them. When you do to them what they do to you they get a shock. Now that i am pregnant, I’m prepared to fight him all they way to protect my child.

    He has always tried to control me, he nearly got away with it, but I go out if i want and when i want, i talk to who the hell i want on the phone and i spend my money when i want to spend it. I have managed to get us to a place where its much better, they big fights are few and far between, but he can drag them out for days if he thinks he can get away with it. You have to show them that you are indifferent to their patheticness i guess (if thats a word). These people threaten everything because they are SOOOO insecure. Keep going out and doing what you like. I get told every second day to “find somewhere else to live’ – My answer to him: “Why dont you F off for a change?!” (And i also tell him to change the record).

    In my ideal world I would be with someone kind and understanding and who is a good mate. I refuse to go down without a fight. Please ladies and men on this forum. DONT give in. You would have all gone through something in your life that you needed huge strength for to get through – mine was surviving the trauma of watching my baby’s life fade away – think back and grab that strength that kept you going and hold onto it tight. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

  20. Joe

    On January 8, 2010 at 7:04 am

    Hi All
    Another guy here. Here is a post I made on another site which says it all

    My g\f (now ex) was not jealous, possessive, aggressive and didn’t mind me seeing friends\family but was so controlling in other ways, especially domestically. I couldn’t wash up properly, clean properly, make the bed, i was clumsy, a grot etc. If she was in kitchen she would be on the laptop and i could see her watching me wash up. Sometimes she’d come over and tell me i was washing up ‘wrong’. She would take over making dinner because i wasn’t making the spag bol ‘her way’. At first i thought maybe i was clumsy,dirty etc but then I realised it was about everything I did. I am sure i did do somethings ‘wrong’ but eventually it was the CONSTANT CRITICISMS that made me a bag of nerves around her. When i challenged her she would say ‘ you make me like this’ and ‘ i have never lived with anyone as grotty as you’. She would also inspect how i washed the plates, pots etc. My self esteen, confidence was at and all time low . It was all my fault!!

    It’s funny but if the house was a mess she was ok. This would not phase her. However, she would only criticize me
    once i was actually in the process of washing up, cleaning etc. Basically, i was doing it ‘wrong’ . Twice i snapped back at her and she said ‘ Im sick of your temper, i never know you will blow up next’…..( she snapped far more times than me)
    Once she even barked at me becuase i left a pasta sauce bottle in the larder instead of the fridge-’how many times do i have to tell you?’ Also she said ‘ I dont like you drinking so much’ if I had just 3 cans of beer on a sat night watching a movie. The strangest comment ever was ‘ you just don’t think about the consequences do you’ after I went to bed and left the kitchen light on! What consequences ??

    If we were watching tv, another trait was that i wasn’t allowed an opinion on anyone or anything, if it was different to hers. She would say ‘ we just have different values don’t we, i wonder about you sometimes’ There was no room for debate- I was wrong and boy did i feel guilty about my views( not extreme bye the way). She hardly ever apologised. On one occasion she did apologise for a row she started by saying ‘I’m sorry but are you sorry too?’
    Reading these sites I should have seen the signs. She was caring, loving, affectionate really early on. She complimented me and i felt so good i thought i had met the ‘one’. The funny this is it was her who wanted out as in the end everything i did just irritated her!! When we split the other week she was crying so i assumed she was upset about us finishing. Wrong. As she sobbed she said ‘ I cant believe I am single again and will have to start all over again’. No mention of me or our relationship that had just ended!!
    In company she was great. My family and friends loved her. I have searched many sites and can’t pinpoint what condition she has(if at all) as she has a some but not all traits of each disorder? Anyone experienced anything like this? Any help appreciated as i am so confused by these events.

  21. dont want to be known incase she might read it

    On January 26, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    Looks like im the 5th guy here =)
    Im in the same boat, I am 18 and my gf is no 18 and we have been together pushing 2.5 years and our relationship is absolutely perfect, until someone else annoys her, she doesn’t get her own way, she doesn’t feel good, she has a bad dream, she sees something she doesn’t like, etc. etc. etc… could go on forever.
    At the moment she is currently mad at me because something she told me not to do about a year ago she been doing recently, ive tried hard not to do what she told me not to do and it was like a set rule that we didn’t do it, and now she’s told me she’s been doing it recently and I said to her being quite annoyed at the same time that she shouldn’t be doing it because she told me not to and all that. Im not sure how it happened bt she did some shouting and blaming me and apparently the rule didn’t really exist and I broke the rule before it existed etc. etc. etc. =S
    Her attitude towards me was also “live with it” and “ur a guy, man up!” as if she doesn’t have to care about my feelings. I can’t have my own opinion unless it’s the same as hers then I’m allowed to have it. If I make a simple mistake that normal people do I get shouted at badly! Once I accidently got on a train that went to the next top on from my station because I was tired and I told her when I was on the phone and I just got a whole lot of “I can’t believe you”, “you’re and idiot” and some “well done, now you’ve got to pay more, wait longer bla bla bla”, I have a free pass anyways to my stop and the nice conductor let me use it to get home.
    She got her phone stolen once, wasn’t a very cheap one I might add!, it got stolen as she left it on the table in the library and someone walked off with it by the time we got back, she was upset so I comforted her and I was the one who called up her phone company to get her contract changed onto a new SIM and get the old phone blocked for use. Didn’t shout at her saying it was her fault, didn’t say a nasty word to her at all apart from comfort her. I even said if this was me you would have killed me! And she agreed, to be honest if it was me I would try not to tell her because she would kill me!
    I can’t do anything right, unless it’s done exactly how she wants it and even then I manage to balls is all up =(
    I really do love her but it kills me inside =( and it makes it even harder that we currently have to live a long distance relationship. I really don’t want to end it with her as we have so much potential to go so far but yet she’s to stubborn, immature and controlling to admit she’s wrong, I have my own opinion and ways and that she can’t take out all her anger and aggression on me.
    She knows me and cares about me most of the time, she puts in a lot of effort to get me really nice gifts and presents and I can’t afford the same but I work even harder for a little less and I really do try for her. Hence why I’m now on here trying to find some kind of help.

    I don’t know what to do, it kills me inside when it’s like this =(
    Any advice anyone?

  22. S Bunyan

    On February 3, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    There are so many abusive people about and so many victims.
    The trouble is, these (abusive) people are so charismatic, aren’t they? you just don’t feel you could ever get ‘the rush’ with anyone else – the passion – the adreneline. So you go on just making one excuse after the other. She/he loves me really – just has a short temper / high expectations / stress at work / wrong time month / money worries / bad back / runny nose / broken nail (insert what you like) – and if ‘I’ didn’t annoy him/her so much – we’d be fine. Sound familiar?
    So, you think, ‘I know, I’ll be extra good tomorrow – kind, attentive, loving – then we’ll get that warm, fuzzy, exciting ‘in love’ feeling back. I won’t SAY or DO ANYTHING to upset him/her.
    In fact, I’ll walk on egg shells – I’ll walk on red hot nails if it pleases him/her – because deep down, he/she really loves me – if I can only measure up.
    WISE UP! If you are on here asking these questions you are in an abusive relationship.
    no-one EVER has to tip-toe around in a healthy r/s.
    These people never change. IMO so-called ‘Anger Management’ courses are a waste of time. It’s anger that causes abuse – it’s abuse that causes anger. In other words – an abusive personality will use anger as a tool to CONTROL.
    Educate yourselves. Google NPD, Bullies, Emotional Abuse.
    Learn their tactics and GET FAR AWAY from them.
    Let the wingnuts whirl in their own selfish universe. seriously.

  23. S Bunyan

    On February 3, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    Sorry – that phrase should have read, ‘It’s NOT anger that causes abuse.’

  24. sally dunbar

    On March 3, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    my boyfriend puts me down when it\’s just me and him, he never does it infront of anyone.
    if i say something and i haven\’t said the world correctly he will pick me up on it, when im cooking he watches over me to make sure im doing it properly he shouts at me for the least we thing.
    He never does this infront of an outsider just infront of the kids, after a few hours i think it\’s me and i am mad, he also used to hit me but that stopped over a year ago but i still get scared when he shouts.I knw he\’s a good person and maybe i wind him up but this is really upsetting me

  25. mary

    On June 7, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    hi im new on here i recently went on holiday with my bf and our 2 daughter,s and his 16 year old daughter and we went to the fair , i couldnt go on one of the fair rides as im a a chubby girl and have big boob,s wich stopped me going on there, so my bf took the mik out of me and basicly bullied me through the whole holiday even his daughter thought it was bad that some one who is supposed to love someone can be that cruel i am really angry and upset over this he has been like this for years now and i cant find the strengh to stop it , his ex threw him out because of his drinking and he left with nothing but he feels that he will take everything from me because of leaving his last relationship with nothing i have to children wich need all of the thing he wants to leave with but as he said all of its my falt any advice plz

  26. Rach

    On June 8, 2010 at 9:48 am

    my partner has crushed my confidence, i feel im going mad cos of all the things that are going round in my head, i know its my fault for letting it happen but i put up with it because i dont want to lose him. i wish he could respect me and all i do for him we are both 30 with 1 child we have been together 5 years and things are not getting any better.

  27. Help me asap

    On August 18, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    Hey ive been with my bf over 3yearz he always puts me down! I havnt had a gud relationship with my family as i have been in care most my life, and he always puts me down i am 18 and i am actuly considering ending my life i cant deal with it anymre! He nipz me,pun2hes me,kicks me, cals me,tramp,fat,ugly,at least my mum never put him in care, i honestly duno wot to do and its ovdr the smallest things, e.g i wanted my house keys to go hme and he wudnt gv me them, so he cald me a tramp infront of my cousin and shoved me i was left s4tting outside my front door step for an houre, e.g 2 if i dnt get him a drink he wil kick me, if i dont give him my fone he wil cal me names! Help i am cons4dering ending my life any advise any1? And i find it hard to end my relationship as it has been my longest i su7hed into love too soon plz help me!

  28. Teya

    On February 11, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    hi everyone. Ive been in a relationship for nearly four years now and i really cant cope anymore. At first it was perfect. He was so kind and loving and i just constantly wanted to be with him. Things werent good at home and my mum ended kicking me out, and so after only six months i moved in with him. (i havent spoke to my mum since really, and i dont plan to.)
    A year into our relationship was the first time he hit me. He said how sorry he was and i believed him. We moved into our own place, thats when things become much worse, and basically where i am now. Im only 20 but i hate my life too much to bare!
    I no longer have any friends as i wasnt alowed out with them and they have all drifted away. ive tried to get into contact with them, and have told a few whats happening, but none of them care.
    we can go a week or so and be happy but it doesnt last any longer. Then im verbally abused, he takes my money, as im the only one working, i cant wear certain clothing, i cant go certain places, im not alowed my own door keys, and where he knows i have no one or no where to go he will black mail and tell me if i dont do this or do that then he will kick me out onto the streets and make me homless. His sprayed bleach into my eyes, left stragulation marks on my neck, brusied my ribs, hit me with a hockey stick, slapped me, threw me across the room by my hair, strangled me, and pinned me to the floor with a knife to my throat.
    He likes to have control over me and tells me a womens place is to listen and be told what to, not the other way around, and i should be lucky i have someone like him as some men would have beaten me to a pulp. All i want is to be happy but i have absoloutlly no one to help me! I wish there was someone that could….

  29. Moonchild

    On March 1, 2011 at 10:18 pm

    So sad to read of your abusive relationships. There really is only one answer – you must get out! Seek out a womens shelter or call Lifeline and ask for advice. Make up your mind not to put up with it any more! Get out any way you can.

  30. No Regrets

    On May 10, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    I am in a gay (m) relationship for 11 years, everything was fine. I had internet affairs and me a guy who was a regular. My partner found out kicked me out and I was fine with it. The problem is that we have adopted a girl who is now 6. He asked me to move back and try to work things out. I did, and I am trying. He became a gambler addict, stealing money to feed his addiction. In July he grabbed a chair and whacked me across the legs with it. I simply walked away. In January while I was laying on the couch he striked me across the face with his fist and I again simply walked away. He gets verbally abusive, name calling, etc. I don’t listen to him I just walk away. I have changed my way of communicating with people, b/c it seems like they blame me. I love him but not in love with him. I love my daughter a great deal, with all my heart, but he tells her I don’t. He always threatens to leave, and I don’t respond, he is an adult and he makes his own mind up. Part of the reason I think is that I use to give him all the control and now don’t reply to his wishes and it makes him mad. There is so much more to this story but who can be my online friend to talk?

  31. Mildred C

    On March 30, 2012 at 3:08 am

    Hello, everyone my name is Mildred. And I have been abused for 15 years on and off and I just would like to put some of my feeling down on paper just so some-one can hear my cry for help. well I can remember the first time I abused and didn’t recognized what abuse was back then he would start off by doing things by yelling at me when he would become upset with me for the simplest things for example my cousin wanted me to go out with her to a club and make it a ladies night, so I told her yeah not knowing or thinking that he was going to become upset over this but when I refused to stay home he took the knife from behind his back and cut my shirt with me in it. or the other time when he forced me to play this rushing roulette game that he taught me one day he actually left a bullet in the chambers and pulled the trigger and started laughing as I was loosing my mind then he pulled the trigger on his self saying damn i’m lucky he grabbed me by the throat and looked me like I was a stranger and said your my fucking bitch, my property and if u leave me I promise u i’ll fucking kill u…

    he stabbed me and just before he did he said I wonder what its like to make u bleed and I was afraid to say something and he just did it… or many times he would tie things around my neck, or use his arm..if he tell me to do something and I don’t do it he would punish me in sex, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, he make jokes and sometimes try and make me laugh and if I don’t laugh he would tickle me, and then start to bite me really hard that I would start crying and he would apologize and then we would make love with or without my consent, I would tell to stop and tell him that this is rape and he would say so fucking what then i’m rapping you then and continue on with what ever he was doing and don’t stop until he’s done and he would make sure that he ejaculated inside me knowing that I wasn’t on the pill.

    right now I pray, I read my bible from time to time, I highly believing the Lord but I don’t go to church, very close to my kid and family, but i’m also involve with my abuser the only lover I ever known who taught me everything that I know but never really knew me or never took the time to care but I feel in love with him dangerously in love… lord its gonna take me a long time to to truly let go.. but if I make it to my destination without him taking my life I would need a miracle to get my life back

    thank you so much for taking time out for me to read my story please take care of yourself, be safe, I love u all and God Bless

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