Little Old She-Devil

Some people know exactly how to get their way and make everyone around them miserable. My mother-in-law has it down to a science. Velma does it by following these sixteen simple rules:

1. Always put yourself first and demand that your grown children do the same.
2. Remind them constantly that you raised them and they “owe you”.
3. Be rude to their spouses.
4. Never treat your step-grandchildren and “real” grandchildren equally.
5. Whine pitifully and incessantly about your aches and pains. Don’t allow anyone else’s health problems to take precedence over yours.
6. Never allow any conversation to drift away from yourself!
7. Tell them at least ten times a week that “you won’t be around much longer” and they should visit you more often – preferably every day. While they’re there, put them to work.
8. Never say “please” or “thank you”. (See rule 2).
9. If you live in one of those nice “independent living” apartments, don’t use the transportation services. Make your kids drive you around like Miss Daisy.
10. Never reimburse them for gas or anything else they pay out of pocket for things you can afford and should be paying for yourself.
11. Always schedule your doctor appointments, etc. at the most convenient times for YOU, and don’t inform them until the last minute. Then make them jeopardize their jobs to accommodate you.
12. Be sure your “emergencies” always occur during the dinner hour, or better yet, at bedtime.
13. Demand that every weekend and holiday is spent with you. No exceptions!
14. If your children selfishly take a vacation that doesn’t include you, make them feel guilty regardless of whatever “arrangements” they’ve made for you.
15. Do everything in your power to wreck your children’s marriages. This will free up more time for you.
16. If you have money, lord it over them. Periodically drop hints about cutting off their inheritance. (This works best if your children are on the brink of financial ruin, thanks to you.)

If you follow Velma’s rules faithfully, your loved ones will wish you’d hurry up and “go to the light”. But you’ll always be the center of attention – and most importantly – you’ll rule the roost!