Love and Pain

You know what? All those statements, to me, are true. When i think about pain i have left, a lot of it is associated to leaving (and I’ve done a lot of that, moving back and forwards between Africa and here). Or to being hurt when someone i loved didn’t seem to see me the same way i saw them. When i felt that i had disappointed someone. Or when they had let me down. Because i loved them and had expectations of them. It’s a human thing, i know. Humans let others down. But why does it hurt so much? I guess it’s because we have that deep, inherent desire to love and be loved. And part of that involves expecting things of others. And then that causes pain when our so-called expectations aren’t met.

Sometimes those are obvious expectations – like waiting for a phone call from a friend; or “expecting” a friend to be available to go out with us somewhere. And sometimes there more subtle – wanting someone to always be there for you; wanting someone just to understand you; confiding in someone because you expect a certain response.

And all those expectations set us up for disappointment. Discouragement. Bitterness. Anger. Offense. Hurt. Heart-ache. The greater the expectation, the stronger the love, the sharper the pain.

It’s even in the Bible. I knew it was there, and i just did a search on
Biblegateway.com
Psalm 41:9 Even my close friend, whom I trusted, he who shared my bread, has lifted up his heel against me.
Psalm 88:18 You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend.

So is it worth it? Yes. I say it is.

If i never loved, i would have no friends. If i had no friends, i would have no silly, funny, joyful, memories. I would not be the person i am today. I would not have had the support that i have had, when i needed it so much. I would have missed opportunities to give something to someone else. Something that i was made to give! I would have lived a laughter-less, numb, miserable life.

Parts of my life…the parts when i was really depressed…have been somewhat like that last line. Numb. But praise God – i’m not like that anymore!

God has set me free from the chains of the emotional stupor of numbness which i felt in the depths of depression. I now experience true, living joy – and along with it real and aching pain at times. They come hand in hand. And i know that both make me a better person.

Although i definitely couldn’t voice that two weeks ago when, at a rather low point, i cried my heart out, and didn’t even want to talk to God. Of course i don’t like pain. But i can truly say that i am so grateful to now be a living breathing emotional person, that feels both pain as well as joy in its fullness; and not the “vegetable” that i felt like a few years ago.

And i know that when i do feel pain, that God sees and knows and feels as well. There is a song by LaRue, “As She Cries”, and part of says “… as she cries someone whispers in her earI died for you, I died for you my dear. And as she falls into her daddy’s arms, she knows that this is true, And as she cries, he cries too.”

My Heavenly Father is my greatest comfort in my deepest pain; and He is my source of greatest joy as well.