Marriage Communication: Avoid The Top Five Mistakes Couples Make

“My spouse and I can’t communicate.” This is the most common complaint I see in marriage counseling. Communication either cements your marriage together or tears apart its foundation.

Here are the top five communication problems and how you can avoid them.

Character Assassination

Many couples use their words like bullets directed toward the heart of their mate. They say things like, “You are such a baby, and you never grow up. You just want to do your own thing. You never think about me.” Another one I hear is: “You are so stupid. I wish I never married you.”

Instead attacking your mate, address the problem. An example of this might be, “When you stay out until midnight with your friends, it makes me feel unimportant.”

Yelling

I teach couples that when the yelling begins communication ends. If your emotions start getting heated, it is a good time to take a break. It will be more productive if you wait and revisit the issue later.

The Ice Storm

Some people withdraw and use the silent treatment when they are angry. This also ends communication and nothing is resolved. Even though you may need some time to think about how to discuss an issue, do it as soon as possible.

He Said, She Said

This is a “lose-lose” battle. Couples get into an argument about the argument. They disagree on who said what, how, when, and where.

This is one time you are not going to convince your spouse that you are right. At this point you have to agree to disagree about the event and start working on the issue.

The “D” Word

The “D” word is not a curse word; it’s divorce. If you keep bringing up the word divorce, you will create a lack of trust and security. Your partner may feel that working on the marriage is pointless if you have all ready decided to leave.

There is a passage in the Bible that compares our tongue, which refers to our words, to a rudder on a ship (James 3:4-5). The rudder directs the course of the ship, even as our communication directs the course of our marriage. If we use adversarial communication, our words will set a course toward the rocky shore. Therefore, we all need to be careful of how we use words.