Misgivings About Internet Dating? Take The Plunge

There is plenty of advice online about how to write an engaging profile; do the research.    Several points bear repeating: don’t lie about yourself; avoid clichés and trite generalizations; and write about things that really matter to you.  If your profile reads like many of the others online, you will be passed over, even by someone whom you have initially contacted.  Don’t dwell on walks on the beach, fine dining and wine, laughter, integrity, stimulating conversation, exercise, love of music, or living fully in the moment, unless you have no use for these activities and qualities; that would make you stand out.  You are one of a kind.  What makes you unique?

Think about how you spend your days and about how you’d like your daily routines to change.  It’s ok to write about your job (without revealing any trade secrets of course) – it occupies much of your time.  Share your penchant for flea markets, TV cooking shows, Victorian novels, kayaking, competitive running, opera, live sports events, or spelunking.  Although these interests may change with a new partner, they provide clues about your persona.  Write about the presence or absence of organized religion in your life, your volunteer activities, your politics, your core values, your life experiences.       

The one dimension that is the most trivial predictor of lasting mutual attraction and compatibility is physical appearance; and yet many profiles, especially those of women who have internalized how obsessed our culture is with beauty, dwell on bodily features, with an emphasis on how “attractive” the subject is.  Attractive to whom?  And do you really want to date someone whose priority is how gorgeous you are?  If you look around, you will notice the most unlikely-seeming couples, people who have based their loving relationship on emotional, intellectual, and spiritual qualities and shared interests that go much deeper than appearance.  Concernedsingles.com, a service that caters to “socially conscious, progressive singles” is one site that doesn’t post photographs at all, thus acknowledging that the physical dimension is not as important as others. 

Most of us are saddled with a limiting concept of our desired physical type, however, so you’re probably going to make judgments about someone’s appearance, just as others will judge yours.  If you’re posting a photo, make sure you’re smiling, and avoid “sexy” shots that may send the wrong message.  Of course, if you are looking only for casual encounters, strut your stuff, but don’t expect much more than a momentary diversion.

Well, you’ve drafted a profile, a sketch of who you think you are and what you are looking for.  But does it get across what really matters to you and, more importantly, will it appeal to the kind of person you’re looking for?  Before you click “submit,” show your profile to a close friend and ask her or him to critique it.  Another perspective may uncover anything from minor errors in grammar to glaring omissions or distortions of important characteristics and interests.  You are tooting your own horn, and you may be tempted to embellish your tune.  Excessive adornment that deviates from your fundamental melody can lead to disappointment when you finally meet for a duet.  On the other hand, a dull monotone won’t elicit any interest.  So ask a friend to do a reality check and help you promote the real you.

But where should you place your profile?  There are many internet dating sites, and it’s certainly acceptable to use more than one.  If a site doesn’t permit you to view members before signing up, don’t plunk down your money.  Do a little research about a site you’re considering.  How many members does it have?  What’s the geographic spread?  If it requires specific responses, does it ask the right questions?  Your chosen site should be a comfortable fit.   And remember, there are plenty of free and modestly priced sites.

So you’re online now, waiting for someone to take the bait, but also doing some fishing on your own.  How do you initiate a contact or respond to one?  Now that’s a subject for another article.