Most Desirable Disorders to Look for in a Prospective Girlfriend

Thanks to recent smash-hits both in both literature and the box office, it can safely be said that we’ve all learned a great deal lately in regards to gender roles and relationships. It turns out the women of today have been severely mistaken in their quest to empower and ultimately love themselves. As mass media most accurately shows us, women must be full-fledged projects if they expect any sort of love from a man with chiseled-cheeks. Neurosis, breakdowns, panic attacks, all of these things women have so stupidly shied away from are the very things that send them crying into a pair of strong, toned arms. (And they wonder why they’re alone!) How on earth are they expected to obtain a sparkly, borderline-abusive hero otherwise? Encouraging a man to date a stable, self-aware young woman is about as ludicrus as buying him a car that works perfectly. Why would he want to drive a functional vehicle down the road when he can spend every waking hour tinkering with it in his driveway?

Ladies, the time has come to work yourselves into mass hysteria over the most insignificant detail and commit a desperate act as a result! So while these self-sufficient and confident women regress to the seductive world of insanity and co-dependence, it’s up to you, the male readers, to hunt down a woman who has these skills nailed down, club her over the head and drag her promptly to the nearest cave! Listed below are the top disorders to look for when you’re perusing the local bars and nightclubs for an unstable mate.

1. Anorexics: Aside from from the obvious constant need for your validation in order to feel even relatively good about themselves, these women make a remarkably cheap date for those of you on a budget. You can take her to the most ritzy restaurants in town and never have to pay for a single meal. And even the scrawniest weakling can have the affirming experience of being able to take his woman up in his arms and swing her around like a rag doll.

*Note to the readers: While a bulimic is feather-light as well, we strongly discourage pursuing a relationship with one as the “purging” can get somewhat pricey and vomit-breath is only cute for so long.

2. Manic Depressives: These girls severely decrease your desire to cheat considering being with one of them is the simpler equivalent of dating two women at once. And it’s ultimately a win-win situation regardless of the mood. When she’s up, you can get away with anything and you’re still golden. When she’s down and practically beating you for forgetting to use a coaster, you instantly become Saint (Your Name Here) of Endurance and Sensitivity, the angel who puts up with far more than he should and still sticks around for more. (Now that’s something to hold over her head when you want to spend a night at the strip club with the boys.)

3. Schizophrenics: If you’re up for more of a challenge and prefer five women at once. (They say that multi-tasking is a feminine attribute/skill but why not take this opportunity to prove all those twits wrong since we all know the men can do it better?)

4. The Suicide Cases: Because who doesn’t love being a hero and sweeping in at the last second to save everything? Just be sure you get there in time. What good is polishing your armor if she never lives to see it?

5. Narcoleptics: You can call her fat and useless all you like! The chances that she won’t be awake for any of it are highly in your favor. And you know what they say, what she doesn’t hear can’t hurt ya!

These are just a few tried and true conditions to be on the watch for. While we highly suggest tracking down a beautiful head-case that exhibits one or more of these symptoms, we understand there could be other disorders that are just as effective. If you’ve had a positive experience with a disorder we’ve failed to mention, feel free to send your own success stories to us and we’ll gladly update the list.

Happy hunting!