Ninja Tactics for Blonde Moments

OK guys, we have all had the pleasure of bearing witness to the “blonde moments” in a relationship at one point or another. These are the times that make you wonder why oh why, dear god, why me. The times when the beautiful creature you want to have your babies with turns momentarily into a moron, incapable of thinking or behaving logically, even if innocent lives depend on it.

Having lived through many of these moments I can honestly say that it is merely a question of perception, and the quicker guys can understand this, the less stress related heart failures there will be in the world.

First of all chaps its not personal, its more of a numbers game really. The longer you stay with a lady, the more likely it is you will bear witness to one of these “brain farts”. Look upon these episodes as a right of passage. You cannot truly call yourself a man unless you have choked back the urge to ritually disembowel yourself on the front lawn following the revelation, “ I can reverse the car as good as you any day” followed by the destruction of the brick barbecue, garden shed, garage etc etc.

There are other ways to deal with this and I have used a few techniques to try and keep myself sane, loved and out of court.

One:  The James Bond approach

Assume that the female in question is in fact a cunning enemy capable of untold destruction if crossed. (probably not far from the truth anyway); and that the mindless inane act of stupidity was in fact a cunning ruse to lead you into a false sense of intellectual superiority. Furrow your brow and be most surprised that the brakes are not in some way telepathic, even agree to book it in to the repair shop. DO NOT attempt to demonstrate the correct seating position or how to use a rear mirror correctly as this will simply make things worse, a lot worse.

Two: The higher ground approach.

This one takes a bit of practice but can be very effective. Pretend that you are on the same wavelength as your spouse and that everything is in fact exactly as it should be. Not really much use after structural damage has occurred but for the dinner party howler or any public scenario, it’s a winner.

Your significant other has just come out with something that by rights should have been met with a beach towel being utilised as a gag. It is at this moment; the moment that the world stops and collectively looks at you to put an end to the misery, that you then flip this seemingly un-winnable situation on its head. You look at your loved one as if she has just said the most profound and earth-shattering truth known to man, the secrets of the ancients have been revealed and its just too much for these poor mortals to comprehend. Nod your head knowingly and proceed with the conversation as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened. This can be read a number of ways. People around may assume that they didn’t really hear that right and not wanting to appear rude or stupid, carry on as normal. They may assume that you are some sort of professional carer, used to these spontaneous outbursts, and nod knowingly in sympathy. They may assume that you are just plain nuts and act normal out of good old fear and self preservation.

Three: The Homer approach

Laugh like a drain; laugh as if you are going to loose control of your lunch. Collapse helplessly on the floor pointing at her, and don’t forget to cry. Only do this if you have already decided that life as a eunuch is for you. Good luck dudes.