Sometimes life can be very isolating and lonely.  You may live in a small town, work long hours, prefer quiet venues to noisy clubs and bars, or perhaps you are recently divorced or widowed and you are just not sure where you ‘fit in’ anymore. Having young children can also put a strain on finances and time. Its hard to meet new people.

The internet can appear to be the answer to all your problems.  You can find a site where you meet like minded people, they may be going through similar issues to your own, they are seeking the same as you, and interacting with them can feel like the answer to all your prayers.

This is all great as long you treat all these interactions with a very heavy dose of REALITY.  Never get so carried away that you find yourself bonding, making long term plans or even professing love for someone that you have NEVER MET IN PERSON.  No one is suggesting that you dont have a variety of very real feelings but they are NOT LOVE.

So lets break this down.

You were lonely and now you have someone who emails you, talks to you for hours online, calls you daily, at last, you found someone who CARES.  

Be aware that the internet attracts a lot of people who are actually incapable of having a one to one relationship in the real world.  They act out all of their dreams and fantasies online and they can do that because  you are a safe distance away from them.  Its one step away from playing “The Sims”. They talk about the kind of house you are going to live in, the type of wedding you will have, all the things you will do together and how happy you will be.  They seem to know exactly what you need, and here they are ready to deliver the WHOLE package.

Allow me to inject some reality into this scenario.  They are promising the earth to someone they NEVER MET IN PERSON. It is vitally important to remain very guarded until you have spent some quality time, together, in the SAME PLACE before you even allow the conversation to move in this direction, no matter how wonderful it all sounds.  At this stage, ITS NOT REAL!

Lets look at all the things that you cant see.

This list may or may not apply, I have drawn the information from my own personal experience and that of clients.

1. You dont know who else this person talks to online or indeed how many other people he saying the same things to.
2. You dont know if their desk, house or hard drive is full of pictures of dozens of other women / men or worse still BOTH. They may have drawers full of love letters, cards and gifts from OTHERS.
3. You dont know if they are actively dating or have a regular ‘booty call’, if you have never met their friends, family or co workers, then they can do as they please with no risk of you finding out.  Never underestimate how attractive that is to a Narcissist. Its all about ATTENTION, as much of it as possible from as many different sources. They are experts at ’compartmentalising’ their lives.
4. How long has this ‘online love’ carried on without meeting?  People who are genuinely seeking a lasting, healthy, relationship, where you both live in the SAME PLACE will be looking for ways to make that happen SOONER rather than later.  Pay very close attention to delay tactics and excuses.
5. How do you know who sleeps in their bed, who calls them, who is PREGNANT for them ( YES, I speak from personal experience here), and how they live?  Im not talking about what they may or may not have told you, or how much you think you trust them, Im talking about what you KNOW to be FACT.

Now lets turn this around on YOU for a moment.

While you are busy professing undying love with this incredible person that you NEVER MET, how do you know for sure that you are both going to like what you see when you come face to face?

Webcams are wonderful, I would advise insisting on it before being prepared to even interact with someone, but they dont show everything.  Lets look at what you cant see:

1. Personal hygiene, how someone SMELLS, how often they clean their teeth or wash their clothes, when they last purchased some new clothes.
2. How someone eats, what they eat, table manners. How often do they wash their hands?
3. How someone interacts with other people or presents who they are to the rest of the world in public places.  Do they dance on the table when they are drunk?  Do they behave in an embarrassing way? Do they shout at sales clerks or get mad when they are driving? Do they walk around with an arrogant sense of entitlement?
4. Do they have a short temper? Do they enjoy having other people in their home or are they counting down the hours until visitors leave? 
5. I dated someone once who disagreed with the way I loaded his dishwasher and didnt like the fact that my son and I each used a clean towel every time we took a shower. He resented the extra laundry it created.  Staying in his cold, clinical, soul-less house was like being in a military establishment and being required to stand to attention while he carried out inspection.

I soon learned that this guy talked a wonderful talk online but was a mean, selfish, self centred character who was an emotional cripple, unable to form a REAL relationship with ANYONE.  Everything that he promised online was actually everything that he was TOTALLY INCAPABLE of delivering in reality.  He also knew this on some level and that resulted in him delaying any progress in the relationship. He knew that when I found out who he REALLY WAS, I wouldnt want him, and he was right.

I might also add that this was someone that I HAD met in person, but distance meant that it was not too often so he could easily hide many of his flaws for an odd week here and there, but when it became time to ’shit or get off the pot’ I suddenly saw him for the damaged Narcissist that he really was. Not a man at all, but a 5 year old masquerading as one.  Ladies take heed, hes probably on an internet dating site right now, spinning more fairy tales.

6) How do they handle money?  Generous, sensible or just plain MEAN?  The same guy who resented the extra laundry also refused to adequately heat his house in the middle of winter, thick snow outside and we lay in bed at night FREEZING to the point where it was a health issue. I later found out that a pipe froze in his house and the water took down the ceiling in his basement.  You have to love karma! One of three toilets in his house got blocked when I was there for Christmas, he kicked up such a fuss that I said it was probably due to me putting a make up remover wipe down there and I gave him the cash ($65) to pay the plumber to unblock it.  He then turned to my son, gave him the money and told him that was his Christmas Present. The fact that we had agreed to get his son and mine a laptop each appeared to have escaped his attention, but he then went out to shop for ONE laptop for HIS son. It is SO important to see how people deal with day to day life BEFORE you get too involved!

7) How does this person handle disagreements? Do they communicate or do they give you the silent treatment, even when you are in THEIR house? Remember that having someone hang up the phone or log off MSN is very different to ignoring you when you are in the same room or going to sleep on the sofa. 

So lets put all this into perspective.  Many people meet online, marry and are very happy.  Finding a mate online can be a way of meeting people that you just wouldn’t have met in your day to day life. Just remember that online dating needs to get OFFLINE and IN PERSON asap and never EVER invest your heart in someone until you REALLY KNOW who and what you are dealing with.