Parent-Child Relations

Mending a damaged relationship with a child requires much give-and-take, change and faith; as parent and child move beyond paradigm to actuality. First of all, the child expects improvement and approval. The parent should always listen carefully to the child to see where the child is coming from, so they can decide where not to go in their approach to recovery. When the responsibility to give the child direction, value, belief, philosophy and life skills fall on the parent and he or she hasn’t gone from transition to a perfect behavioral model to actuality things may fall apart. The parent needs a true premise in order to have a valid position.

“So you grow up desperately asserting the feelings, beliefs and thoughts you actually have, to ward off all those lovingly suffocating and infantilizing and minimizing interpretations—which may or may not have been on the money—but still made you feel you couldn’t breathe and that you never had any authentic feelings in the privacy of your own mind.”(Cytrynbaum, pg. 64)

Everything begins with belief, thus the parent should change aspects of their beliefs in order to affect change in the parent-child relationship. Consciousness of action—whether or not, the child is present—should enter into the equation. New ideas must have an opening in the recovery process; belief shapes development. 

Whatever the parent does affect the child. If the parent trusts the child, the child will trust the parent, but this trust must reflect a higher power. The child shouldn’t be exposed to too many—if any—negative images or things opposed to openness. Unity of thought and direction directly affect substance of the relationship, its values. “Unfortunately the state of nature is in practice unstable, because men, unless coerced, often infringe the rights of others. It is soon apparent that in order that men may enjoy their natural rights they must join together by means of a social contract.” (John Locke, pg.192)

If the parent-child relationship consist of a social contract substance is inevitable. Locke points to a broader community; community begins with self. Openness relates absolute honesty to such community. New ideas come from what starts out as a perfect model and evolves into actuality or a way of life as opposed to a model. “Co-dependence is related to a shame-based childhood. However, if this intellectualization or left-brain activity keeps an individual from coming to this understanding in her or his own process way, it can be counter-productive to recovery, and it can even serve to keep that person operating within the disease.” (Schaef, pg.94)

Thus, the model cannot remain merely a philosophical mold; the mold must be removed and new form put on display in order for the participant to transcend dis-ease and go beyond recovery to actuality. The parent should set precedence in going beyond the model. Hard work, study, abstinence and sharing are intrinsic to the process of redeveloping family environment. The parent is caretaker of the child and family environment; together, they can create an oasis for development. Amends help the parent-child relationship to succeed. ”All mistakes eventually need direction.” Accountability, fidelity, and felicity strengthen the relationship and thwart dis-ease. “Be consistent. Your character and fathering habits are being watched and often imitated. Your kids should know what to expect from you and that they can count on you-no matter the circumstance.” (Turner, pg. 5) Trust is important for either side, but accountability should sit parallel to trust. Remember, happiness derives from a healthy relationship. Shared achievements provide standards for community and society as a whole; unconditional love should be the premise of shared achievement. Moral standards should inundate the parent-child relationship.

In closing, a question lingers: Can contentment be found in a world of despair and vicissitudes? If parents detach from things which feed old behavior patterns, actuality will take place. The parent and child must work together to develop new ways to express their purpose as well as avenues for contentment and agreement; all of this begin with change and giving. Whole living starts with cooperative effort and hope in order to mend a world in need of foundation.