Please Just Don’t Wife Her

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Please just don’t wife her is all I ask. You can still marry her, of course, I don’t care about that. Just don’t wife her.

Living in Japan for so long has many pluses: as a white (very white, almost translucent) male, I get treated almost as royalty in a lot of situations; the food is amazing, and so cheap; you can buy wonderful cans of girlie drinks (or beer if you really really want to) and drink out in the street; and the women tend to be very easy on the eyes.

There are, of course, a lot of unattractive women in Japan, but the percentage of hot versus not is way higher than in most countries. Even some of the more ridiculous fashion trends that have swept the nation (the pregnant shirt, the bangs mask) have rarely prevented the beauty from seeping through. There is one accessory, however, that can destroy a woman’s appearance, and it always seems to happen when a lady gets wifed.

It’s the dreaded bowl hat. You know what I’m talking about. The sun comes out, and the young lady wants to protect her face and skin. If she hasn’t been wifed, she’ll maybe wear a visor, or a beret type hat. Or she’ll just put on sunscreen and deal with it. If she has been wifed, then that hat comes out. It looks so terrible. Seriously, it looks like a floppy bowler hat, and it adds ten years to the woman and takes away a massive chunk of her sex appeal.

Maybe it’s because she’s married and so she doesn’t care how she looks, but that’s no excuse. And there are plenty of married women who still have an identity beyond being a “wife” who don’t wear that head gear and who still look great. As much as some may criticize this opinion as being sexist, who believe that women (or men) can wear whatever they want, this hat is setting the role of women in society back by a good couple of decades. That hat is a control device and it is used to represent a woman who has been put in her so-called place as a wife, someone who is owned and no longer available.

I’m deadly serious. Besides, looking good doesn’t have to be sexist. Men who develop that bulging pot belly after marriage are doing roughly the same thing; it just takes more time. We can sit here and pretend that such things don’t and shouldn’t matter but that would be a lie, and it’s not how change happens. We each owe an obligation as members of a civilized society to help point things in a positive direction.

So to all you guys who are married, or thinking of getting married, whatever you do, just don’t wife her. And to the ladies who have this strong urge to wear the hat in question, repress it. It’s not fair to you and it’s certainly not fair to us on the outside. Think about the future.