Rapport: How to Get It and Keep It

What is rapport?  My computer dictionary tells me it is a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each others’ feelings or ideas and communicate well.  We all want rapport—with our spouses, children, parents, coworkers, bosses, employees, friends, etc.   

Sometimes this is difficult.  People get out of sorts, hold grudges, or just have a bad day, which makes it hard to have a harmonious relationship. I have learned from NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), not only how important having rapport is but how to achieve it.  

NLP outlines three major ways we learn and communicate.  As a tutor for 30 years, I have found this skill to be invaluable.  We all make a representation of the outside world inside our heads.  One sensory modality is the primary conveyor. The three major senses we use to store and share information are: Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic (V.A.K.)

Do you ever wonder how it is that you click with some people and others leave you cold or turned off?  Are there some people you just can’t get through to, or they drive you crazy?   It could be because your primary mode of communication is different from theirs. If you are a visual person and are talking to an auditory person, or vice versa, you will not feel understood.  You will not have rapport. 

How many wives, even after their husbands bring flowers or chocolates or diamonds, still don’t feel loved?  It could be that she is auditory and wants to hear him say the words, “I love you.” However, he might be Kinesthetic, so showing is meaningful to him, not saying it.  And he ends up disappointed because she talks endlessly but never shows him she loves him.  

And what about the student who has trouble understanding spoken directions but can take a radio or a car apart and put it back better than it was?  

Or the employee who writes long memos to his boss who never reads them.  

So what do we do about it? Does that mean that all the Visual people have to marry each other, and Auditory teachers only teach Auditory students?  

Thankfully, no.  There is one skill you can develop to have rapport with everyone. This is to match their style of communication.  Once you get the hang of it (K), it is fun to see (V), how your friends sound (A).  See how easy it is?  I am mainly Visual so I tend to write (and talk) in Visual words: “I see what you mean.”  “Do you get the picture?” I automatically have rapport with other Visual people—a lot of whom are artists and writers (who paint word pictures) but I have learned how to respond to a person who says, “I hear you.”  Instead of saying, “We have to focus on this problem,  I might say, “How does this sound?”    

The key is to notice what words a person uses and then match them.  It might feel strange at first to use words that are unfamiliar, but you will be rewarded by the response (and rapport) of the other person.  Following are some words in each category to get you started.

Visual: see, aim, visualize, perspective, watch, look, observe, picture

Auditory: hear, listen, talk, loud, music, quiet, harmony, amplify, shout

Kinesthetic: grip, handle, hold, rough, smooth, slippery, loose, firm

The word rapport originated from a 17th French word, rapporter “bring back.” So to have a brighter outlook (V), and stay in tune (A), without pressure (K),  play with the words you use and bring back the love and harmony into all your relationships.  

Footnote:  Understand, believe, think,  sense and know are words that cross all senses, so if in doubt, use these and you will have rapport.  

Reference:  Master Teaching Techniques, by Bernard Cleveland, PhD.,The Connecting Link Press