Relationships: Past Vs. Present

Your old boyfriend cheated. Your ex-girlfriend used you. You remember everything you wish you said, all the things you wish you did, and now your new partner pays.

What happens when the past meets the present, and you haven’t dealt fully with the past? Transference. Transference refers to all feelings perceptions and reactions that are reality based, inducing highly distorted responses [to the present] based on past relationships.

Transference reactions are widespread. We all systematically misperceive others as a result of overgeneralizing previous learning and applying it to the present situation. The more conflicted or troubled one is the more he or she will distort the current reality with inaccurate displacement of past events onto the present reality.

What am I saying? Example: many transference reactions are especially distinct when two people are falling in love. Many couples remember their dating experiences as the happiest time in their lives- at this point each member may misperceive their partner as someone who can fulfill unmet developmental needs to make them feel love worthy. Once it is realized that these unmet needs cannot be fulfilled, past patterns return, resulting in broken dreams, angry feelings, or betrayal.

All hope is not lost! If the transference distortions are not strong they can be easily shed, allowing room for a more enduring realistic relationship to take place.

Let’s deal with our past, and realize the present is a new slate, a new chance and leave the baggage behind.