When a marriage fails, there is always one and only one cause: one spouse stops trying. It might be that one of you takes the other for granted. It might be that one of you is so troubled by stresses outside the marriage that it contaminates the relationship. It might be any number of things. But, in the end, what it all comes down to is one of you cuts the other off. It always ends the same way; one breaks the other’s heart with a thousand little cuts of neglect, and that builds a resentment between you that seems insurmountable. Then, you give up, and it’s all over.

You might say that one spouse gets selfish. He or she turns his or her attention inward, focusing on his/her own wants, desires, and problems. Sometimes, that spouse will feel bitter toward the other whenever that other, who is supposed to be the single most important, beloved, and valuable person in his/her life, needs that love the most. That’s when the problem turns critical.

Put Your Spouse First

This is the first rule because it is the most important. Put your spouse first, ALWAYS. That is, at its most basic level, precisely what love is. Two people, so devoted to each other, that they will each drop anything and everything whenever the other has a need. And that rule works both ways; your partner needs to put you first too.

It might seem like you’re giving up yourself. In a way, you are. But, if you both do this, you will get far more in return. You’ll feel gratified, and you’ll get everything you could have ever wanted. Most of all, you’ll be happy, and feel loved.

Has your spouse ever done something sweet for you, like make you breakfast in bed? Sure, you could make pancakes yourself without much effort, but isn’t it so much nicer to have them made for you?

Not only is it one less thing for you to do, but it is one more thing that shows you that he/she is putting you first; that he/she cares enough to do that for you. If you both do the same, and go above and beyond for each other, you’ll both feel rewarded, appreciated, and blissful.

Appreciation Works Wonders

Don’t take anything for granted. You don’t have to say “Thank you” every time he/she does something you never asked him/her to, but it won’t hurt you to.

In a way, that is the point. You don’t have to say “Thank you”, but do it anyway. It is one more example of going the extra mile. Isn’t your love worth such a tiny bit of effort?

Don’t Be An Ingrate

Even if you can’t be bothered to show your appreciation every time he/she does something nice for you (and everything counts as “nice”), never, ever be ungrateful.

For example, consider this situation:

A wife comes home to find the dishes done, kids bathed, laundry folded, dinner ready, and everything else exactly as it should be. Except for one thing: the carpet hasn’t been vacuumed.

This wife could react in one of three ways. First, she might not react at all, which is most peoples’ standard reaction. Remember, though, that the divorce rate is 50% right now. There is a lot of stress on both members of a couple that has nothing to do with the marriage. ‘Standard’ isn’t going to cut it. You need each other, today more than ever. Remember about going the extra mile.

Second, she might say something like “You’re so wonderful for having all this done.” If you focus on the positive, things will be positive. Show appreciation for what you have; don’t focus on the things you don’t. Especially when they are so unimportant as this. Is an unvacuumed floor worth your marriage? Is your love so cheap as that?

Third, she might comment on the floor. Forget everything else that her husband put effort in to please her, that one simple thing is not done. The ensuing conversation will probably run along these lines:

Mrs: “I see you didn’t vacuum.”

Mr: “Sorry, I didn’t get a chance. (Insert explanation here). But I did do (all the other stuff).”

Mrs: “So what do you want? A medal? That’s all stuff you’re supposed to do anyway. If you can’t be bothered to do just one simple thing…”

See the problem? See the difference? In the last example, the wife focuses on the negative, to the exclusion of all that is positive. And so, it all becomes negative.

Do you want your marriage to be like that? Do you think the husband in this example will go out of his way to do something nice later?

If he’s a good husband, you bet your keester he will.

Cheer Him/Her Up

When your spouse snaps at you, the odds are that it isn’t you he/she is upset with. Even though he/she shouldn’t take out his/her anger on you, sometimes it will happen anyway. Show me a person who has never made a mistake, and I’ll show you this bridge in Brooklyn I’ve got for sale.

When the horns come out, it’s time to step it up and really go all out to put a smile back on his/her face. This kind of acting out, while unfair to you, is a sign that he/she really needs you. This is exactly the sort of thing that your relationship is for: to help each other, to be there for each other.

It is all too easy to take a lashing personally, and down that road lies bitterness. Even if your spouse makes it personal, you have to be stronger than that. You have to put your spouse first, recognize the need for what it is, and do your part. If you can pull it off, he/she will apologize later – but save it for later. If you fire back, or even get defensive, then the battle is on, and no matter what happens, you’ll both lose this round.

Instead, don’t take what he/she says to heart. Do something way out of the ordinary. Take him/her out to dinner, right on the instant if you can. Give him/her a massage. Do something really above and beyond, preferably something romantic. Once you’ve blown him/her away, the defenses will be down, and you can get to the heart of the problem, and help him/her through it.

And you need to do it all with a smile, because it is all for him/her. For your love. And because he/she will someday do the same for you. That’s what love is: setting aside your own “needs” for the other.

To Forgive is Divine

This should go without saying, but when times are tough, it can be tough to remember. There will come a time in every marriage where things will get bad. They will get so very bad that you think you can’t go on. Those thousand little cuts have taken their toll, and you know you’ve been deeply wronged. You know that your spouse owes it to you, if he/she still cares at all, to do something to prove his/her love to you first. And you’re not wrong.

But, have you forgotten? Marriage isn’t about you. These are the times when you need to follow the rules most. You’ve both been hurting each other. It doesn’t matter how much, how often, or even if he/she has failed you time and again. Keeping score doesn’t help, and just makes you both focus more and more on the negative, and on yourself rather than your spouse.

When things are this bad, no matter the reason, you cannot depend on your spouse to step up and do his/her part to save the marriage. He/she might be thinking the very same thing. And, in this case most of all, it does not matter who is right or wrong. To be blunt, you are both wrong in a vastly more important way, because you’ve both neglected your most important duty: putting your spouse first.

Yes, it matters that you hurt. Yes, it matters that he/she wasn’t there for you when you needed him/her. Yes to it all. But when it all comes down, is any of it more important to you than your love for each other? If your answer is “yes”, then it is you who has withdrawn from the marriage.

Your spouse is your ultimate source of joy, and your very best friend. You share each other’s lives. If you are more concerned with what’s bugging you than what’s happening to your marriage, then you have failed.

There is no excuse. If it comes to that, it does not matter in the slightest what he/she has done, or failed to do. You gave up on your love. In a very real sense, you are the one who is throwing it all away.

But love is a magic thing. It can recover from any wound, if only you give it a chance. The moment you realize how things stand, forgive everything. Everything. Then say you’re sorry, because you should be. You almost threw away your marriage, your love, your joy in life, and all over a collection of small things that, when you really think about it, do not matter. Not compared to your marriage.

Say you are sorry, and explain why. To do that, you have to know why. Do not include any excuses, no matter how justified they might be, or things that your spouse has or hasn’t done that upset you. This is about you saying you are sorry. And forgive him/her for not saying he/she is sorry too.

If you want your marriage to work, you have to be ready to forgive anything and everything. You can’t hold back, and you can’t hold any grudges. Don’t make demands, or issue ultimatums. If you keep Damocles’s sword hanging over his/her head, then, once again, it is you who is cutting your spouse off.

Love is magic, and that magic is called forgiveness. It is the forgiveness you grant, but, even more, it is the forgiveness you receive.

Put Your Spouse First

True love is about more than who did what. It is about caring for someone so much that you are willing to throw all the garbage that life hands you away, and surrender all that you are into the care of that other person.

It isn’t about keeping score, or memorizing a list of incidental wrongs. It isn’t about who has made fewer mistakes, or who has been more hurtful. All these things will happen. He/she will hurt your feelings, frustrate you to no end, say things that will demean you, belittle you, and undermine your self-esteem. He/she will fail to support you, fail to encourage you, or congratulate you, or even thank you for all that you do. He/she will hold you to a double standard where the same rules doesn’t apply to you both. And he/she will not be there to help you when you need it most; he/she might even seize on the opportunity to kick you while you’re down, and lash out at you with a laundry list of mistakes you’ve made over the years.

Being married can, at times, seem even worse than being alone. At least when you’re lonely, you’re only lonely; you don’t have the one person you thought you could count on joining up with the rest of the world to walk all over you, or even stab you in the back.

Being married means being let down. You have expectations that your spouse will do everything possible to care for your heart. But that just won’t happen. Not one of us is so perfect.

Being married means loving another person so much that you can get past all of that. It means that, even when that person hurts you deeply, you still care just as much as you always have. It means forgiving all these wrongs, and more, and knowing that if you just let the bad feelings go, rather than holding on to them, that there will be far more good than bad.

Love does not keep you safe from pain and anguish, nor guarantee that you will not hurt the one you love just as much. What love does guarantee is that you will always be able to find that magical forgiveness, both for your spouse and for yourself.

You will hurt. You will feel pain unlike anything you’ve ever imagined. You will feel despair, and hopelessness. And, if you’re paying attention, you’ll realize that it does not matter in the slightest.

Because the only thing that matters is love. Even if you feel betrayed, always remember these rules. If you do, and you do your very best, then you will be loved in return.

Your spouse will make mistakes. They will come in all shapes and sizes. Nothing is off limits. But your spouse will love you more than anything in this world, and will do anything for you. There will be days that he/she will make you smile that you wouldn’t have. There will be moments of total contentment, where you are utterly at peace, and all because he/she is there. There will be times of joy, times of bliss, and times of exuberance. You will know happiness unlike anything you can imagine.

And you will know love. Love opens us up to be hurt, but it gives us even greater joy in return, if only we let it. It gives us the strength to face the challenges of life; it makes the hardest days worth living for, and the brightest days blinding.

No matter who we are, or what we accomplish in this life, in the end, all we are is the love that we’ve shared. That is the simple secret of life: love. Love with all your heart, all your spirit, and everything you’ve got. Hold on to your love with all your strength, and you’ll find that you have more strength than you’ve ever thought.

So go the extra mile. Appreciate those labors of love, and do your part too. Be there when he/she needs it, and make all the cares of the world fade away. And forgive each other, and forgive yourself.

Your love is the essence of you life – and your spouse’s. Above all else, never forget that. Because, in the end, nothing else matters.