Woman can talk and talk all day long. We could hold World Records in useless speaking. It is in a Woman’s Nature to speak, as much as possible and as often as possible. For that Reason, Words like: “I love you”, “I am sorry”, “I miss you” are easy for us to say.

Men on the other hand can talk with their buddies about Work, Sports, Hobbies and Woman, but when it comes to emotions and feelings, they shut down. This has cost many problems in Relationships. Women are mushy, Men are logical. Woman are emotional, Man are stoic. Does that mean they don’t feel anything? No, not at all! They just don’t find the need to express it in words all day long. In this Article, I would like to address the different Reasons why Men don’t “talk at us” the way we do and the Reason Woman “don’t know what we should already know”. Give you examples on what works for my wonderful Husband and me in overcoming those annoying differences, plus give you different ways you can see loudly how he says “I love you!”

Men: “I have worked all day, all I want is a little Peace and Quiet!”

Most Men work hard all day long, they solve problems, deal with opposition, have to listen to People talk constantly into them and in some cases physically labor until exhaustion. At the end of such a day, the last thing that most men want is to go home to more “chores”, complaints, requests and talking. All he wants is to sit back for a little while and go into his personal “cave”, his private space. He wants time to unwind, to kick back and relax and do something he wants to do. Become his own Boss again and simply put have a little bit of Peace and Quiet.

Women: “I have worked all day; I want to tell you all about it!”

Where Men rewind by taking some time out and just be alone for a little while, Woman rewind by, you guessed it, talking about their day. If something stressful has happened, she is busting at the seams to talk about it to her husband. By getting it out of her System so to speak, she reconnects with her spouse and eases the Burden of the day off her shoulders.

This is what works for us:

We have worked very hard at getting our Work schedules to match each others. So my husband picks me up after work and we drive home together. During our Ride home I can usually see what kind of day my Husband has had. Normally he tells me about his Work day, either aggravating (in which case I know he needs to be left alone when we get home), something funny or just chit chat. If he doesn’t talk at all about it or is completely quiet, I know his day has been horrible. The last thing he needs it my flapping jaws. If I feel that there is something I need to share, I put it in then. If the day was so bad that all I want to do is hide, normally I get completely quiet. I stare out of the window of the car and just try to find my-self again. I have learned that if I speak during that time, I become waspish and my voice is not at all becoming of my place in his life.

We have a ritual at home. When we get home, either our Daughter (16) or I make coffee, then I take my husbands shoes off and put his slippers on. I make his cup of coffee and bring it to him and my daughter makes my cup for me. I know that he does not like me climbing all over him when he first comes home, but if I had a horrible day, I tell him. “I know you want to be left alone and are busy, but I really need a hug right now.” Normally, he is nice and lays down on the bed, turns on the TV and I get to cuddle for a little while. If I need to talk I can, but normally if I have his arms around me, I no longer need to vent. I just needed to feel safe again.

If it was just another day, he goes off to do whatever he does and I go to take care of the household with my daughter, go grocery shopping or take care of my interests. That is the time when our daughter and I have sharing time as well. We share in each others day, problems, failures and successes. Until Dinnertime, he is off limits to me unless he wants my attention. If I really need to ask him something, I do but in that case I try to have a 30 sec. to 1 minute rule for my-self. It can not take longer then that time frame to interrupt him.

Dinnertime is Family Time if our daughter wants to be sociable. After Dinner is my cuddle time. That is when I get my time with him. It works surprisingly well.

Men: “But you said…or you already know that I do.”

Let’s face it, with not using more words then is absolutely necessary we can usually take what a Men says at face value. The Problem arises when he doesn’t say anything and when we are left to guess. If a man tells you that nothing is the matter and he is just tired it normally means: “I am tired, leave me alone!” For that reason, Husbands are most of the time very bad at taking broad hints. Where woman are fine tuned to hear the smallest change in the voice, see the smallest look at anything, men don’t. Men literally need to be told if you want something, preferably in a simple statement of facts. Most of the time you don’t even have to bother explaining why. A simple: “I really want xyz” or “Can I have xyz”, is perfect. Don’t even go to: “Can we afford xyz?”, because even that can be misunderstood. After all you are only asking if it is affordable to you at that point.

The same way, most men simply assume that we know that we are loved, wanted and still desirable to them. After all they are still with us right? Here is the irony, men are logical, but woman are analytical.

Woman: “He isn’t a, b, c, therefore he must no longer love me….or how could he have missed that?”

Most of us females can drive our husbands straight out of their skulls. Where when a men tells you nothing is wrong then you have a 98% Chance that nothing is wrong, when a women tells you nothing is wrong you can have a 98% Chance something is brewing. With a woman it is all in the tone of her voice and her action. We assume that if our husbands would love us, then they would automatically know what is bothering us, what it is we want or why we are upset. The problem here is that they are no more psychic then most of us are. However once we say “nothing” our husbands then they automatically assume that everything is ok and go about their day. We are happy and their “job” is done. Believe it or not ladies, most husbands want nothing more then to see their wife happy and content. Unless of course you are married to an idiot that only is happy if you are miserable. In that case, get out fast. Since your husband knows he loves you, he assumes you know that he loves you. What is the fuss about anyway, don’t worry he will tell you when he no longer does. (Male thinking)

You have eyeballed that special outfit, that great pair of shoes, the book on the bestseller list, the piece of jewelry etc. You have thrown large hints on how you would love the way it looks, how good of a deal it is etc. You almost drool pressing your nose at the window. How much more obvious must you get? He however walks right past the desired item and looks at something that interests him, wow how did he ever miss that one?

This is what works for us:

If my husband acts extremely standoffish or the ice glaciers are forming around him, he rolls away from me or doesn’t say two words to me; I try no longer to assume that something is wrong. I ask: “Did I do anything, is something wrong or are you just tired?” Most of the time the answer is: “I am tired!” Then I know to keep contact and talking to a minimum, if he wants anything from me he will tell me.
If he asks me what is wrong, I try to tell him. If I think it is something he really doesn’t want to hear, I tell him that too. Then he can make the choice if wants to walk away and let me stew and then take the consequences in my attitude or just sit through it and I try to make it quick. Normally once I have vented I am good again.

I used to have the hardest time accepting gifts or asking for anything. I used to worry that what I want is too expensive. If I didn’t need it then I wouldn’t ask for it and even then I would feel guilty. Sometimes, I would worry that even if he would buy it for me, he only bought it for me to shut me up and that he didn’t really want to buy it for me.

As you can see a lot of convoluted female thinking. On the other hand, he couldn’t look at anything without me walking off and buying it for him or trying like crazy to get it for him later, if I didn’t have the money in my hand. So we ended up with a lot of stuff he really didn’t want, me wasting a lot of money on things which were thrown into a corner or put away or I ended up not getting a lot of things I wanted and feeling hurt.

Now we each have adapted to the other. If there is something I see him looking at, I ask first: “Do you want this?” or wait to see if he picks it up to buy it. He also has list of PC Games he wants, or Movies we both want etc. He tells me about things he might like and any of those things I know are great. Then I can go and buy him something, just because. Which is something I love to do. I enjoy spoiling my Husband rotten.

If there is anything I really want, I now either pick it up and put it under his nose: “I really want this!” If we can afford it he will tell me: “Then get it”. Or he tells me: “If you want something you better get it while I have the money.” Then I know it is ok.

I used to be so hurt when I wouldn’t get flowers from him, now if I want flowers, I go buy them my-self or put them in his hands, with a big grin and a thank you. We both can stop guessing now and we both get what we want. Yes, I know I can just buy it my-self if I want something, but it just isn’t the same. It means more to me coming from him.

Men: “I have a problem! I will deal with it!”

When a man has a problem, he will normally go into himself to deal with it. If it is something that can not be fixed, it is normally ignored and pushed out of mind. If it is something that has a solution, he will work on it until the problem is solved. No peace of mind until a solution is found. Most of the time, men aren’t good at taking suggestions. They take it as an intrusion. The same way, most men don’t worry about something until it is at hand. If it hasn’t happened yet, why worry. It may never happen.

Men seem to deal better with big bulky problems then with small annoyances. An inconvenience or a small hassle can ruin an entire day for some man, where a problem is nothing at all. “Don’t worry Hun, I got it covered!”

Woman: “I have a problem! I need to talk about it!”

Where a man can fix a problem best while silently working away at its edges, a woman finds her solution during talking it out. It is almost as if it is a puzzle and during each word she speaks, another puzzle piece falls into place. That is why most of us just need you to listen to us, not to solve the problem for us. Often enough we are looking for validation from you. To validate that we have a right to feel the way we do about that problem. Then we can go on armed with your validation and solve the problem or disregard it. Women tend to worry about things that haven’t even happened yet. We are big worriers.

This is what works for us:

The problems are his department, I hand them over to him. Not my job, you deal with it. The inconveniences are mine. I will take care of them. They don’t bother me that much. He has better things to do. If it is something large enough that affects the entire family, we work on it together, with him having the final say.

Men: “Why doesn’t she use her common sense? Those are stupid questions.”

In a mens eye, everything is about common sense. All you have to do is look and there it is. It is plain obvious. If it doesn’t match their common sense (which by the way changes from male to male), then it is obviously stupid or no good. When a woman asks about something that could be answered just by using their “common sense” then the question is automatically stupid. After all the answer is almost staring at them. Example given above: “I am still with her that should tell her that I love her.”

Women: “Why doesn’t he have more common courtesy, doesn’t he see it hurts me?”

Where men despair on the lack of a females common sense, I can guarantee you that the lack of common courtesy given to your female half is driving here slowly into insanity.

Examples: Telling other females that they look lovely, sexy, nice, hot (you pick the word), but you can not say that to your woman. (After all she already knows right! Or she no longer has the little body, she is no playboy material after all) Men seems to say what they think and that is often enough painful to listen too. Giving more respect and courtesy to other females then the one they have. The effect is like a mountain being dropped on top of the woman. We want to be the love of your life, the most beautiful woman in your eyes. (Please don’t bust our bubbles, some things are better left unspoken. You don’t want to hear that you are no longer Superman right?)

Tips to men and woman alike:

Woman NEED to hear from their partners, that they are loved, beautiful, adored, wanted, hot, that they are proud that they belong to their partners. You don’t have to do it every day, but it wouldn’t hurt if you verbalized it once in a while.

Man NEED to know they are respected! Where a woman needs love and validation, Men need respect and adoration. It wouldn’t hurt you one bit, to let your Husband know that he is still your hero. To respect his point of view and let him take the place as the rightful Head of the household. In our family, I run the household (cooking, cleaning, shopping etc.) but he is the Head of the Household. With other words, he can override me at anytime and what he says goes. I am put in charge by him. It was his decision. He trusts me to act on his behalf.

Men and Woman both NEED TO REMEMBER to show appreciation for each other. There is no greater killer in a relationship then when everything is taken for granted. Example: When you go to a Restaurant you thank the Server for bringing you your Order. When was the last time you told your Spouse thank you for bringing you a drink, food or some other item? We compliment a friend for a great meal, but when was the last time you told the cook in your house that she or he did a great job? A heartfelt thank you goes a long way and makes the job a lot easier.

No matter what Gender you are, NEVER EVER let your Partner feel like all they are to you is a Paycheck or a Servant. When that feeling sets in you have a huge problem on your hands. Then the question comes up extremely fast: “Do you love me or am I just a means to an end for you?”

Be GRATEFUL everyday for what you have. We all have horrible habits that drive our Partners nuts. That goes for both Genders, don’t think you are so perfect. You are not. Be grateful for the good points your Partner has and enjoy them.

The only person YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO CHANGE IS YOURSELF. You can not change your Partner; if you try you will make him or her miserable. You can learn to look at things differently. You can change your-self, but to force your Partner to change into something he or she is not is like telling them they aren’t worth anything the way they are. Learn to love the things your Partner has to offer to you and make the best out of them. You might be surprised how much fun you can have, if not everything has to be strictly your way. By respecting your Partners limitations, without making them feel guilty about them, you will see small miracles happen and some unexpected doors fly wide open.

Remember, that LOVE CHANGES, GROWES, MATURES AND TAKES A LOT OF WORK. Both Partners have to be willing to do their Part. Love only works and grows in a true Partnership. If it is one sided it withers away and dies. Love goes through cycles, there will be days when everything just seems overwhelming and you no longer can see why you love that Person. I have a personal statement when things are going horrible: “I don’t like you right now, I don’t like you at all, but I still love you!” Sounds stupid right? Not at all, it is a fact, I didn’t stop loving my Partner just because he has done something that really hurt my feelings or we are in an argument. I just don’t like him or his action at that moment.

Beware of calling each other Names! Words spoken out of neglect or anger are hard to take back. We might forgive them, but most of us never forget them. Even words that are true but spoken coldly, beware off. My husband told me a long time ago, that he doesn’t need me. It is true, he can live without me being there, and after all he did just fine before I came along. This what said to me almost 7 years ago and I still remember it. I validated that statement and it killed me inside. As a woman I need to be needed by him.

Appreciate each others differences and talents. Each of us has different talents, difference outlooks on certain things and ways of dealing with things. If we all were exactly the same the world would be in a poor condition. We need each others differences to make a complete union. My beloved Husband has talents and views that keep me going, likewise I hope some of my talents and views make things easier for him.

Forgive and trust! That is one of the hardest things to do in any relationship. By the time we are in our mid 30’s we have been burned so many times by others that we could just take on the middle name Toast. We bring in baggage from prior relationships and red flags are going up all over the place. Things aren’t always what they seem at first and it takes a long time to make a relationship work smoothly. We will hurt each other, do something that will destroy trust in each other at least a few times, but that doesn’t mean it is done on purpose. Remember that you are not in the other Persons skin; you don’t know what is really going on inside that Person. We each feel and think differently. You have to be willing to forgive mistakes and learn to trust again. Of course there too are exceptions. Physical or sexual abuse is never ok, by neither gender. Verbal abuse is often a two way street.

Make Love and each other a Priority. That doesn’t mean you can’t have interests apart from your Spouse or that you have to be on top of each other every minute of every day. It just means that when you do things, you might want to think first how your decision impacts your Partner. Believe me that this not easy, especially for man. It is worth it however. By making love and each other a Priority in your life you will go a long way. That too needs to be a two way street however, one sided just spells disaster.

Seeing loudly: “I love you!”

This Section is for the wives mainly, but might give you gents some great Ideas. These are examples of what I saw as being told that “he still loves me!”

• We both work hard all week long, when the weekend comes around I know that my husband would dearly love to sit down and play PC Games, download his Movies from the Internet or listen to music. With other words do things that include FUN FOR HIM stuff and mainly sitting down. Instead he is willing to take me places to take care of the things I want to do. He spends time with me and our daughter, even if more often or not it is a big hassle for at least a couple of hours in the beginning.
• Listen to me when I read the Articles I write, to get his opinion. I know he really has no interest in the things I write about, but he knows it means a lot to me to share my interests with him.
• Plays PC Games with me from time to time, which involves him having to set up my Computer, teach me the game and tons of patience on his part. I am not a very good PC Gamer, but from time to time I love to partner him in his interest. Our version of Family Game Night, yes even our Daughter gets involved.
• We both love books and music. He never fails to find a Book in a Store to show me that he thinks might interest me. I have some tastes in Music that are not for him, but he never fails to find a copy for me that he knows fits my tastes as well or tries to share his taste with me. I think that is adorable and I feel loved.
• This is fairly new in the way of time (maybe about 2 Years now), but ever so often when we go places he finds beautiful Pieces of jewelry he buys for me. I have a horrible Metal Allergy and Jewelry for me is always a hit and miss. For that reason I don’t want expensive Jewelry, but he finds the loveliest pieces of reasonably priced Jewelry and gives them to me as gifts. I have to say, my husband hasn’t gone wrong yet, his taste in Jewelry is wonderful.
• Pulling me close at night so I can feel or hear his heartbeat, even when he is tired or sometimes annoyed with me. I can not sleep well if I don’t feel him close to me at least for a little while. My husband is my haven.
• He is the type of person that can make me laugh hard enough to almost pee my pants. What is the strange thing about it is that he is a serious Person. So he has very dry humor. I know he likes to make me laugh and I love to see the mischief in his eyes.
• I enjoy drawing, arts and crafts. He is always on the lookout for some little thing I can use.
• When we go to the Lake, or on hikes I love to collect rocks, seashells, crystals etc. There is seldom a time that goes by that he doesn’t pick a rock, seashell or crystal for me that he finds special or different.
• Putting up with my mood swings. Like every woman I have mood swings and I have to say, he takes them mostly in good graces. He could be like so many other men and leave me alone during those days. Using it for an excuse to get out of the house and away from me, but he doesn’t. He is never further then a call away.
• I know that he won’t cheat on me. I know that without any doubt. I still get aggravated when other woman flirt with him, I find it disrespectful. It isn’t him I don’t trust it is them. I guess in a way, I just know that he is wonderful and I know that there are enough women that like to destroy relationships.
• Sometimes, just be being there. When he is deeply engrossed in something he is doing and then out of the blue, he comes to get me. By sharing what he has found with me, letting me see his interests.
• By wanting me by his side, even if he could get things done so much faster and without as much hassle if he would go by himself or do it by himself
• By letting me be mostly who I am and bragging to others behind my back about my accomplishments. He won’t say great and loving things to me (I wish he would like any woman), but I have heard often from others how much he brags about my accomplishments.
• By taking time out to make something for me, repair something if I ask him for it, or explain something I don’t understand for the 100th time if needs be
• Putting CD’s together for me on the Computer
• Taking me to work and picking me up so I don’t have to take the bus

Those are only a few examples, but they are everyday things that tell me, he loves me. I don’t take anything for granted, because I know he doesn’t owe me anything. Keep your eyes out ladies and see the little things your husband does for you. I don’t demand anything from him, I ask for very little of him and I have the World laid at my feet. Not literally and I won’t be able to have everything my heart desires, but the things that are most important to me I will have thanks to my husbands love.