Although this list is officially about ways to maintain or spice up a relationship, the points found here work very well for someone who has no girlfriend and wants to change that fact. …addendum, this can also just help maintain a healthy ego.

My uncle once told me that flattery is a lot like flatulence. It’s a lot of hot air that can get you shot in Arkansas. What my uncle thought aside, I’ve been changing my view on the matter, and think that there might be something beneficial to the whole deal, after all.

Now, I’m not going to talk about flattery like it’s just a bunch of pickup lines you have to memorize. I’m talking about physical and behavioural flattery. There is an element of subtlety involved, so unless you are good at poker, you will just have to make this flattery genuine and from your heart. And also, be real.

1. You are better than anyone, except, maybe her.

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   You have got, got, GOT to be confident with yourself for this step to work. The way this works is, you are the alpha dog, the prowling cougar, the lion in the jungle, (there are no lions in jungles, they live in savannahs for crying out loud) or the lion in the savannah. And then you see her, and you are blown away. Now, you don’t have to go from douche to wet rag, but she has to know that she AFFECTS you. That’s flattery, in a sort of way.

2. Smile.

   She makes you happy. She brightens your day. She is a small ray of sunshine in a twilight world. And if you can smile, really smile, not for her, but because of her, you just might make her smile, not for you, but because of you, too.

3. Greet her appropriately.

   Do not mention her T or A. This is a big no-no. If she is your ray of sunshine in a twilight world, (see step 2) then you can just say, “Hey, sunshine.” It’s uber-cheesy and ridiculous and it works. I may never know why women like to be called or compared to an astronomical nuclear radiation side-effect, but to say that it is disconcerting is an understatement.

4. Give her a flower.

   There is something special about placing a deceased bloom in the hand of your admired. This will always remind me of a monkey giving his mate a really good-looking stick. The whole thing is pretty pointless, but it turns the women’s defenses into butter. It works! Try it!

5. Draw her a flower.

   If you think that killing a gorgeous flower is romantic, try bringing one to life on paper for her. This is admittedly best if you can draw better than stick-figures, but just do your best and practice. I’ve done this lots and it always makes the awkward less-awkward, and best of all, I always get a smile out of it. Plus, I’m not that bad of an artist, so that helps.

6. Praise an exceptionally boring part of her.

   This is a fun exercise. Chances are good that your admired spends a lot of time in front of a mirror, getting her face to be just the right shade of plastic, getting her hair to be just the right fluff of Barbie, getting her nails to have just the same gleam as the band members of Metalica. Now, that doesn’t really get me excited, and I like messing with people’s heads. So, what I do is praise something that she obviously takes for granted herself, like the back of her hand. I’m dead serious. Say, “That spot is beautiful. I’m serious, don’t you think that skin right there is pretty attractive?” This will at first confuse her, since she just spent an hour getting the right shade of plastic, and you didn’t even mention those parts. But subliminally, she will know that you pay attention to details that she herself missed about her own body, and that is a big compliment right there.

7. Actually care.

   Up to now, you probably could have faked everything on the list, but this is the most important point of all, and it doesn’t matter how good you are at poker, you will botch this one up if you don’t really feel it. And if you get this one right, you can just forget about steps one through six, because they were fluff anyway. Just go out and ignore the rest of the world. That’s what being in love is all about.