Should This Relationship be Saved?

Children seem to make friends so easily, a simple pass of the ball, or helping each other out on the playground equipment can be the start of a beautiful friendship. By the time we become adults, however, it seems more difficult for many of us to connect with new friends in that effortless way, and we rely upon work relationships, the significant others of our spouses, and community groups in order to increase our circle of friends. I became acquainted with Carol when our sons were in the same playgroup sponsored by the non-profit organization for stay at home mothers that I was involved with. Our first meeting was not a positive one;  I believe she pointed out that I needed to lose weight and my son at age 2 would start getting beaten up soon because he wore eyeglasses, but I returned the next week anyway.

By the time that I had known Carol for a few months, I had accumulated quite a lengthy list of “Carolisms”- insults and cutting remarks given with a completely flat affect. “Your house is so small, how can four people live in it?” (We like each other.) “Your daughter must be embarrassed by having large breasts”. (Sure, but the extra money she picks up in tips at the strip club helps pay the mortgage on that tiny house.) “Does your husband notice that he is going bald?” (I asked him to shave a circular spot just for me, so I can kiss the top of his head without getting hairballs.) “I thought only poor people lived without in-ground pools”. (We asked, but welfare won’t pay for a hot tub, either.) “You buy non-organic lettuce? The regular kind?  Do they still sell that?” (Yes, and if you ask them nicely, they will apply extra pesticides at the check out counter.) Each of the above remarks in quotations is an actual comment, etched into my brain that Carol made to me at one time or another. The replies, in parentheses, are the ones that I thought, but never made out loud. In each of these situations, I believe I was demonstrating restraint, which “includes the difficult task of holding back one’s desire to act on vengeful feelings’ (Wilmot and Hocker, 2007.p.221). My preferred action would have been the non-stated comments, which I chose to keep to myself (until now) knowing that they would only cause to escalate the situation, or as my mama taught me, cause me to sink to her level.