Should This Relationship be Saved?
by Conflict is a part of daily life. How though, shall we handle ongoing interactions with an individual who seems to view conflict not just as sport, but as a winner-take-all battle that must leave no survivors?
Several years have passed, and I was perfectly content with my life, when I ran into Carol at Target last week. I was picking up a few things in preparation for my trip to Mexico, and she was trying to find something she was willing to purchase with a gift card that she had been given. “Gawd, who would actually shop here? I mean besides you, Susan”. I decided to make a small effort to at least have a civil conversation (albeit a brief one) with her, since I didn’t want to be outright rude. (Ok, I wanted to, but not actually in public!) I was also curious to determine if I could alter my communications in order to have a conversation with her that did not leave me feeling as though I had been attacked. I decided to use the very simple tool of reframing, in order to try to achieve a conflict-free interaction. “Reframing means looking for a constructive way to describe, or “frame”, whatever is going on, with the goal of changing perceptions and positions from negative and fixed to more positive and flexible” (Wilmot and Hocker, 2007.p.234). I wasn’t looking to develop a long term friendship with Tamara; I just was interested to see if it was possible to have a few minutes worth of discussion about a chain store without it becoming an attack on my personal values, status, tastes or bank account.
I replied “Oh, someone gave you a gift card, and you aren’t used to shopping here?” Carol’s comment was “it was probably a practical joke; no one would really think I would be in this kind of store.” I replied that it was a decent place to pick up reasonably priced every day items, and I was sure she could find something useful, and added “I see almost everyone I know here now and then”. “They have a pretty good selection of DVDs and CDs”.
Luckily for me, I was able to leave and remember why it is that I avoid contact with her, without taking any of it personally. Frankly, the effort to resolve a conflict requires a commitment from both parties involved, and as it is unlikely that Carol is going to change her personality any time soon, I’d prefer to save my energy for the issues in life that are important to me.
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